There's something powerful about a giving spirit. Not always in the tangible form, but always from the heart.
A door held open.
A smile along the sidewalk.
A well-deserved thank you.
Oftentimes, we seek fulfillment and happiness in the THINGS of life. Payday becomes the time when we celebrate with food, capitalize on the clearance section, or stock up on goodies. But when the wallet is emptied and there's not more bills to go around, what gives happiness?
Consider today the ways in which you can make your day awesome for someone else. If everyone took on that attitude, imagine the world we'd have. Giving not because we have to or out of obligation, but out of happiness.
Sometimes it can be a challenge to embrace things we don't like. Our challenges. Our monsters. At first we're so apt to fight them... to combat, deny, and resist. When that happens, though, we break down and become tired. We become overwhelmed and confused about how to move forward.
When it's the hardest to move forward, perhaps we need to pause and pull back. Pull back and evaluate our situation. Maybe if we pulled back, we'd realize that our monsters don't define us... that they're just a PART of us, not the WHOLE of us.
Sometimes when working with clients who are challenged with depression and anxiety, they become bogged down by the diagnosis. The label. The perceived shortcoming. Many times, they can chart a path of identifying when the depression and/or anxiety began, and ways that they resisted acknowledging the problem. Instead of embracing -- not liking it or being excited about it, but embracing -- the feelings and thoughts, they pushed it away. Which of course, meant that it started pushing back with a vengeance.
Accepting and embracing our challenges doesn't mean that we're glad that it's a part of our lives. Rather, I think that acceptance means that you're not defined by it. That we acknowledge it's there and are aware of the impact it plays in our lives. That we're mindful of our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors about it. And finally... that we're capable of making goals to work through it.
Sometimes we simply need to put a leash on it, and take it for a walk.
I remember when I was growing up and feeling conflicted about talking about things with my mom. I'd say that we were always close, but there were some conversations that I agonized about because I wasn't sure how she'd respond. Sometimes, just FACING a person and talking is a challenge... maybe a conversation in the dark would be better. I remember that when certain things happened and I needed to talk to her, but felt anxious about doing so, I'd write her a letter. Somehow, having an opportunity to get out my thoughts and feelings without having to worry about a disappointed face (or worse, a disappointing comment) made it easier. In addition, she'd have an opportunity to read all of my thoughts and then collect her own before either answering me, or approaching me for discussion.
I find that in my adult life, there are times when that agony still hits. Without the benefit of a simple letter exchange conversation, I've had to work on emotional control and mentally preparing for the ways in which conversations can go. I also find that if I don't have the conversation, I'm tormented by it on a daily basis... most often at night when trying to go to bed.
There are times when we all need reminding that difficult topics enter our lives, and that we have to face them. And sometimes, the more challenging it is to figure out how to talk about it, the more important it is to have the conversation. Whether it's to clear the air about a disagreement, to ask forgiveness, to seek clarity in relationships, or to sever them.
So much of the time, when I look back on those difficult conversations, I realize that hardly ever did the talk go worse than I'd imagined in my mind. Most often, I was met with understanding and clarity. The air was cleared, the emotions not nearly as disturbing as I'd worked it up to be. Refreshing, almost.
If you're being tormented with thoughts and fears, and wish for clarity... take the chance. Maybe it starts by a draft e-mail (don't send it) and for you to sit on it for a bit. Sometimes, writing out our thoughts help us to process things on our own without the need for feedback. Or perhaps it would help to have the conversation first with someone who is supportive and neutral to your situation. Whatever your method for preparation, take the chance.
Yesterday, I went to a seminar on helping children find their spark. Specifically, the seminar focused on military children, and the importance of utilizing each child's spark to assist them in thriving through adverse life experiences that they may experience as a child of a parent in the military. I went in with no expectations, and left with more information than I could dream. The seminar wasn't just for military children... or even just children... but rather something that adults could benefit from... something that I, personally, could grasp and use.
During the introductions, we all had to stand up and give our names, location of work, and what is a "spark" in our lives... something that we feel passionate about. I sat toward the back of the room, so I was one of the last people to go. While everyone was introducing themselves, I searched my mind in thought about what I felt my spark was. Many people mentioned children (whew, I'm good there) or their jobs (I love my job, and I find fulfillment, but it's a paid fire-setter). Eventually, I had to stand up and give my schpeal.... I blurted out that my spark was cooking.
What?!
Throughout the seminar, while absolutely INCREDIBLE information was being presented, my mind kept flipping back to my answer, and honestly... I wondered why I said cooking. With the exception of the past week, I can't remember when the last time was that I cooked dinner for my husband. My dishwasher rarely needs to be run. I have grand plans and a Pinterest board full of amazing recipes.
And then I remembered.
While cooking wasn't something that I feel was passed down to me from family members (I only have one "family recipe") one of the things I remember from childhood was cooking dinner for my family. My mom worked late, and I was in charge of my little brother after school, and so I'd cook. I often pretended that I had a cooking show, and spoke to the blank space behind the stove like it was a video camera. (I know, I know, move over Rachael Ray.)
And then I remembered how I feel when we entertain... how I scour cookbooks and online resources for the perfect side dishes. Using almost every pan in my kitchen, I love cooking for people. I love feeding them tasty food, and hearing chattering and laughter around a dining table.
And then I remember cupcakes, and how excited I was to find my most recent favorite recipe for Lady Cake with Quick Lemon Icing from the 1964 Joy of Cooking that my husband found the other day.
I light up.
It's my spark.
It may not be children, your work, or cooking, but I think that we all have and NEED a spark. We may not be able to engage in it all of the time, but we need to know that something is spark-worthy in our lives. It could be gardening, crafting, healthy living, or volunteering for a cause that fires your soul.
Whatever it is, I encourage you to make time for it. There are so many things that try to drag us down in this world. We need to spend more time with our sparks so that we can set our souls on fire!
Sometimes I surprise myself with insight, and other times I laugh at myself in hindsight when I realize the incredibly immature way I handle things in life. I wonder if other people are like this... almost as if on a see-saw of insight and ignorance.
I recently was in discussion with a client who loves her job and the population of people that she works for, but has a challenging time finding acceptance of the people with whom she works. The focus of the job always seems to be about money rather than quality time, co-workers tend to be negative instead of uplifting, and there is a missing aspect of comradery.
In conversation with this client, I ask her about her job and encourage her to talk about why she enjoys it... helping her to focus on the positives instead of the negatives. It's overwhelmingly obvious that she has a passion for her job and the people that she serves. By the end of our conversation, the focus wasn't on the negative co-workers or the challenging partners... it was on the job. Her service to others.
There are times where it's a challenge not to focus on ourselves... the drama-focused workplace, increased stress of deadlines, or lack of teamwork. There are times when we need to get out of those situations in order to maintain self-preservation, but majority of the time, perhaps we need to ask ourselves this question... "What are you doing for others?" and remind yourself that it's not always about you.
After I ended therapy that evening, I drove home on auto-pilot. (You know those times when you start driving and end up at your destination in what feels like the blink of an eye?) During that blink, I reviewed so many times recently when I needed to have pulled back and asked myself what I was doing for others instead of focusing on myself and what I wanted. At the busy grocery store, being impatient while being on hold, waiting for a late client, going where a friend wanted to eat instead of being pushy, being short with my husband.
Perhaps if we all asked ourselves "What are you doing for others?" we'd have a more caring world out there.... one focused on mutual understanding and kindness.
