Letter writing.

Confession: I have a horrible pattern of buying cards with the intention of sending them to important people in my life... only to temporarily lose them. My mom's birthday was on the 12th. I called her, even told her that I had a card for her. Do you think I've sent it yet? Nope.

One of the things that I love most in this world is getting mail. Not bills or flyers for every therapy conference known to man. But letters. Cards. Seeing people's handwriting. I like a comment from Facebook or a text message from a friend. But I love letters.

I've mentioned Love Languages before (if you're still in the dark about them, here's the LINK) and my top language by a landslide is words of affirmation. Which makes sense as to why I love receiving and sending letters. It's that extra little special way to show someone that you care about them. It doesn't take a lot of time or effort, but you can't help but feel good when an envelope is hand-written and addressed to you.

I wonder why we've gotten out of the habit of doing that more often. It's so much easier to send a text message. And I'm guilty of it just like everyone else, but writing on someone's wall for their birthday doesn't mean a hill of beans when you're one of 142 other people.

I challenge you.... I challenge myself... to write someone a letter today. Or even just send a card. Let someone know that you're thinking about them. Spend the $1.47 on a 99 cent greeting card and a postage stamp.

It'll mean more than you'll ever realize.

Slowing down.

During my last year of graduate school, I worked two jobs, attended school full-time, and worked at my internship. I was the poster child for Jessie Spano's "I'm so excited" moment on Saved By The Bell, except that I didn't take caffeine pills to help with my energy levels. I was overwhelmed more than ever, but I was high on passion. I loved my jobs. I loved school. I loved helping people and feeling confident that I knew what I wanted to do with my life.

Then I graduated.

I accepted my first big girl job, which meant having to quit my other two. For the first time ever, I had nothing to do on the weekends and no reason to stay up late at night. It was weird. I was uncomfortable. I was bored.

Those that know me well, know that I don't enjoy boredom. I can handle quiet and moments of rest, but after taking a break (whether a few hours or a few days) I need something to do. After I graduated and only had things to fill time during my 9-6 job, I was bored. Out of my mind. I started looking for more. I started building an interest in photography. Then in sewing. It didn't take me long to fill up my nights and weekends with photo shoots and projects. Sometimes I wonder if I feel more comfortable being overwhelmed than at peace. Taking on more than I need, doing more than necessary. 

In the last year or so, I've worked diligently to step back and evaluate what's important. I say diligently, but in truth it's happened naturally through a huge shift in my work. Building a private practice is very different from working in a hospital or clinic where clients are readily available. I've been slow. And while I hated it at first, I'm learning to embrace it. I know that years and years of burning the candle at both ends is going to catch up with me. I don't want to regret spending more time away from the house than nurturing relationships inside. I sometimes wonder if I make rationalizations for my busyness because I don't have kids... "oh, {husband} won't mind, he'll just be watching the game" or telling myself that because we're both in the same room, it's completely okay that we're not talking and engaging in separate activities. I don't want my marriage to be convenient or to lose the excitement of being together. 

I'm trying to slow down this year. I'm trying to be more intentional. If I'm going to be busy, I want it to be because I enjoy what I'm doing and that it's fulfilling. I don't want to be busy out of the dislike of being bored. I'm also learning that when I throw myself into something with full speed, I tend to burn out quickly. I still love photography, but a bit of myself cringes when I get a request for a session (if any photography clients read this, I do still love you and your precious children and I'm happy to take your pictures until the end of time). I haven't used my sewing machine in about six months, and have clothing piled up that need fixed and a super cool project waiting for me to rev up the engine.

Slowing down. That's my focus.

To be intentional.

To enjoy what I do.

To feel the call of a passion instead of a sense of obligation.

The luxury of {self} forgiveness.

There are so many times in therapy when I hear a client say "I should have known better... I should have seen it coming... I should have made a different choice." The fact is, it's easy on the back end of things to have regret. To wish for a different way. To think how things could have gone differently. But we also know that in most cases, we do the best we can with what information we have.

If you don't know healthy coping skills for depression, you're going to choose unhealthy strategies to escape from your pain. If you don't know how to communicate effectively, you're going to come off shy or passive-aggressive. If you don't know the importance of unpeeling the layers of your core issues, you're going to try hard to cover them up.

When you know better, you do better. What we need to focus on is learning lessons. Given certain situations in our lives, we need to reflect back on them and evaluate how successful we were with getting things done. It's easy to forgive someone else when they don't know an answer... to give them the benefit of the doubt. I sometimes wonder why we don't afford ourselves the same luxury.

Sexy isn't a size.

It's easy to compare.
To see everything that they are.
And everything that you're not.
To look at a number and speak ugly to yourself.
To "pinch an inch". Or maybe a few.

But sexy isn't a size.

Being sexy means confidence.
Belief in yourself.
Laughter.
Love.
Intelligence.
Bravery.
Outspokenness.
Determination.
Compassion for others.
Creativity.
Desire for adventure.

Sexy isn't a size.
Sexy isn't a number.
Sexy is you being the best you that's possible.

Delete the rest.

Words cannot describe how "on time" this message is for me.
Sometimes Pinterest totally fails, and then other times it rocks my socks.

Maybe you need this message too.
As a reminder to to live for yourself and no one else.
A reminder to generate happiness.
A reminder to set boundaries.

Be happy in your own skin.
Delete the rest.

The story.

Some days, it's easy to work on goals.
Other days, it's like my will to live is getting sucked away.
I know it's not true.
I know it's just a distraction.
I know it's my fear.
But it's so real.
The voice is so loud.

I'm thankful to have friends.
I'm thankful to have been smart enough to share my goals with others.
I'm thankful that they hold me accountable.
They can ask me how I'm doing.
How far I've gotten.
They ask if there's anything they can do to help me along the way.

I start to give excuses.
Of why I haven't worked on them.
My mind reminds me of the story.
The story I've made up in my head.
The story that things are hard.
The story that I don't have enough time.
But they're all an excuse.

In order to reach goals, I have to fight.
Some days, it's easy to work on goals.
Other days, it's like my will to live is getting sucked away.
But I refuse to sink.
I refuse to drown.
I refuse to allow myself to continue on this path.

I tell myself I'm better than the stories.
I remind myself of how good it feels to accomplish.
I tell myself to put one foot in front of the other.

I keep going.

All of the answers.

One of my favorite moments as a therapist is when my clients find answers for their own questions. It's like a light bulb has gone off in their minds, and they're processing things as they go along.

I can totally identify with that. I have a friend who tells me that they love that I can't turn my therapist off. Even when I'm struggling with something, all it takes is an e-mail to get questions rolling, and I'm off in my head sorting everything out.

I think that sometimes, we just need a sounding board... an opportunity to get out all of the thoughts that we have swarming around in our minds, and to have a person who we trust and respect to offer thoughts and considerations that we may not see at the moment because we're so consumed. I'm not saying that therapists aren't needed in this world (hello... my occupation) but I think it's important to note that we have the ability to solve our issues. Therapy isn't about getting the answers to our questions about life. Therapy is about sorting through the muck to find solution to our struggles.

Perhaps I should consider offering clients some mud boots during session. :)

24 hours.

Have you ever said something to another person, and immediately regretted it?
Wished you could take back the words that you spoke?
Desperate for a do-over that would keep your mouth shut?
Thought about the difference another route would have taken?

I know that it's easy to want to give a response right away... to give back hurtful words when we feel hurt... to give a sting when we feel stung... to stab the knife when we feel betrayed.

When our hearts are settled, it's easy to tell ourselves to stay calm in the midst of struggle, but being in those situations revs us up and we are on the defensive. We want to hurt others because we think it will make us feel better. But even those nanoseconds of good don't make up for the sinking feeling that we have afterward.... when we feel guilt for overreacting, when we feel shame for blowing up... when we feel sad for hurting another.

So often, when we reflect on these occasions, we realize that we acted in the moment. When our tempers were flaring. When our minds were racing. We didn't act out of whole thought, without impulse, because our thoughts and feeling were on target. Imagine what would happen if we waited... if we sat with our feelings a bit. I wonder if we would have more peace with ourselves and in relationships with others. Would we realize that we're all flawed, that we all need grace, that it's not worth getting worked up over?

Over thinking.

I have a love-hate relationship with my thinking. Those who are reading this blog and know me, know that I am an over-thinker. Being an over-thinker should be listed as a top hobby of mine. Sometimes it happens at night, and I'm plagued with a lack of sleep. Other times, it's during the day and I find myself distracted beyond repair.

Most of the time, my thinking involves analyzing things... mainly myself... and figuring out whether the decisions I've made are okay. They also involve other people, my relationship with them, trying to "figure it all out." I know that the truth of life is that I can't have it figured all out. 

So I try to remind myself to breathe deep.
To be okay with not knowing everything.
To embrace life as it comes.

My crazy.

A big topic that I discuss with clients in trying to make their lives different is coming to terms with their struggles. Accepting reality as it is, and identifying ways to change and move forward. So many clients are ashamed of their anxiety. Of their depression. Of their addictions.

Self-evaluation is important. But it's also important to be okay with where you are.

Invest.

I've seen several posts on Facebook since the new year of people sharing words. Like, a "word of the year" for their lives.... love... nurture... freedom. I've never been one to get on a bandwagon kick (and clearly from my most recent blog entry you know I don't like resolutions), but when I saw this quote it really spoke to me.

Invest.

Invest in people who invest in me.
Invest in myself.
Invest in my work.
Invest in my relationships.

This year, I will work toward investing more. Investing myself in the things and people with whom I love.

Perhaps there is a theme that you would like to take on this year. A concept or idea that you'd like to focus on.

Growth.
Create.
Peace.
Forgiveness.
Recovery.

If you decide to choose a word, I hope it gives you power. Power to change yourself. Power to enhance your life.

This year.

I've never really been fond of the "New Year's Resolution" idea... but perhaps that's because I normally fail at accomplishing things. It's not that I don't strive for improvement, but it can be overwhelming to make several changes at once. A few years ago I read The Happiness Project and really enjoyed Rubin's take on the whole making-changes-in-your-life thing. What she resolved to do was to consider things in her life that need to be enhanced, and to focus on one a month. By working on one thing in January, and then introducing a new concept in February, the thought of making changes isn't so overwhelming... at least to me.

Another thing I don't care for in New Year's Resolutions is that everything changes on January 1. I have thought even back in November about things that I need to change, and tell myself "when the new year gets here, I'll do it". Why not change something about myself on November 12? What is so special and significant about January 1?

Nothing.

And my last rant about resolutions. They're usually targeted at stopping something instead of starting something... or focused on losing instead of gaining. I don't know about you, but when I hear or read or think about stopping and losing, my mind automatically goes to defeat. I think about not being able to hit my mark. I think about failing.

So.

When I saw this image above, I felt drawn to it. It doesn't list things like "Lose 50 pounds"... it says "Love what you see in the mirror". It doesn't say "Stop eating sweets"... it says "Eat more green food". It doesn't say "Increase your tithing and volunteerism"... it says "Volunteer your time and skills". It speaks more about living. It focuses on enhancing my life. It emphasizes human connection.

Whether loving what I see in the mirror translates to losing weight, or letting go of critical thinking... that's up to me. Whether eating more green food translates into being more full on those so that I'm less likely to want dessert... that's up to me. Whether volunteering my time and skills translates into giving more money or joining a civic organization... that's up to me.

I encourage you to consider ways that you can live more. Enhance your life. Improve your human connection.