The one you feed.

Not sure this requires much discussion... which wolf do you feed?

Defense.

If you've ever been to a football game, chances are you have seen a sign like this being held up by fans as their team was being encouraged to defend their position on the field. In life, we defend our positions at times... when we are reluctant to change, when we don't like how things are going, when we are stuck.

Defense mechanisms.

Defense mechanisms are coping skills that we use to "help" us feel better in times of stress and crisis that appear to be helpful. We think that these behaviors or ways of thinking protect our self-esteem or help us resolve emotional discomfort... it's like we put a wall up between ourselves and the problem. At times we may be oblivious to our behaviors as if our wall is an invisible force-field that keeps us inside our own torture zone, while other times we are very aware of our choices and we build a brick wall between us and freedom.

Here are some examples of defense mechanisms and ways that each may play out in real life. While the scenarios I give may not be applicable to everyone's situation, I am sure that you can think of your own examples. I submit that we all engage in avoiding reality from time to time.

Displacement -- diverting emotional feelings from an original source to a substitute target -- ex. being angry at your boss, but going home and yelling at your spouse
Rationalization -- creating excuses to justify behavior -- Having someone break up with you, and telling your friends "I didn't like him anyway"
Denial -- protecting yourself from reality by refusing to face it -- someone who drinks excessively refusing to believe their behavior is problematic despite several others expressing concern
Compensation -- striving to make up for inadequacies -- a person's competitiveness might make up for their true feelings of inferiority


The reality of using defense mechanisms to cope with issues in our lives is that our problems don't go away when we avoid them... often times, they magnify.

Patience.

Lately, I have felt like Varuca Salt from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory... "but I want it NOW!" she yells to her dad as he tells her she'll have to wait for the golden egg until the end of the tour of Wonka's factory.

I've been impatient.
I want it now.
I don't want to wait.

But. I know that's not right. I know it's unrealistic and that by doing so, I am setting myself up for disappointment and failure.

Patience is the ability to hang on when everyone else has given up. Patience is the ability to release your need for immediate gratification and wait for the things to come in their own time frame. Patience overcomes criticism and intolerance. Patience develops committed relationships in marriage, family, church, community and career. Many great leaders have displayed patience by looking before they leaped, thinking before they acted, and considering before they decided. Life is a test in patience!

This week you can expect to be tested at least four different ways:

Interruptions – You will sit down to dinner and someone will knock at your front door, or your telephone will ring. You will be in the restroom and someone will call for you. Or you will be working feverishly on a deadline, you cannot afford any interruptions, and your boss will ask you to attend a meeting.

Inconvenience – Your flight will be canceled or delayed; trouble with your car may leave you stuck somewhere along the road, or even in your garage; or someone will ask for your help at an inopportune moment. How will you react?

Irritations – Somehow, in some way you will be annoyed by some of those little things that are beyond our control and make life uncomfortable. Irritation tends to bring out either the best in us - or the beast in us. Which will it be for you?

Inactivity – You will be forced to wait ... in lines, in offices, in traffic, in elevators. When you have much to do, and too little time in which to do it, standing still can try anyone’s patience. Many people I know would rather do almost anything but have to wait for any reason.

As Joyce Meyer says above, patience is not the ability to wait, but the ability to keep a good attitude while waiting.

Priorities.

Last night, I was reminded of the importance of human connection. More than just surface relationships which are often easier to develop, these deep relationships carry so much more meaning.
When I talk to clients about the importance of a support system, I often encourage them to visualize a target and explain the layers of our relationships with others. The outermost part is the surface where we share polite "hellos" and "how are yous"... but our answer is always "fine", whether things are going great or if we feel like we are trainwrecks. In the innermost part, however, our inner circle, lies the people with whom we can share our core being. Some people spend a good amount of time in group rating their support and deciding where each person falls on their target, while others I have worked with have just a few names -- and no inner circle. That always hurts my heart.
Last night's reflection of each person in my inner circle had me think that they have a space carved into my soul just for them. It's interesting how the shape of their space may change over time depending on the needs and purpose of our relationship, but the quality never wavers. New jobs, busy schedules, and life stress may prevent constant contact with these beloved people in my life. But when we connect... ahhh, when we connect, it's as if no time ever passed.

If you've never heard the mayonnaise jar story before, it's a great lesson in setting the right priorities.
If you've heard it before, allow it to remind you of setting the right priorities. Last night reminded me of mine.

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A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full.

They agreed that it was...

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full.

They agreed it was...

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full.

The students responded with a unanimous 'yes.'

The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed...

'Now,' said the professor as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things---your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions---and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car. The sand is everything else---the small stuff.

'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
Spend time with your children.
Spend time with your parents.
Visit with grandparents.
Take time to get medical checkups.
Take your spouse out to dinner.
Play another 18...
There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal.
Take care of the golf balls first---the things that really matter.
Set your priorities.
The rest is just sand.

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented.

The professor smiled and said, 'I'm glad you asked.' The beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers with a friend.

Happiness.

 

A lot of clients come to me because they are unhappy and so strongly desire to become happy again (or happy for the first time). Yet when we start talking about what needs to change in order for them to achieve happiness, so many changes are focused outwardly.

A job. A relationship. More money. Family.

I submit that happiness is not found focusing outside of ourselves Sure, it's easy to think that if a magic wand was waved and these aspects of our lives were changed, there may be SOME improvements. But I know plenty of people who seem to have great jobs, excellent relationships, a lot more money than I do, and great families... but who are still unhappy.
 
Happiness fluctuates. Happiness isn't a constant state of being. It's not like if we find it one time, it is guaranteed to stick around forever. I think people sometimes get caught up in the search for happiness. "If only ___________, then I'll feel happy", as if happiness is a destination for their lives.

Happiness is a mood just like sadness, or anger, or worry.... emotions which I am thankful for, yet appreciate their vacancy from my life when able. Yet those very emotions make me crave happiness even more, and make efforts to search for it whenever possible. Happiness is a mood that is found internally. Sure, there are external things that may contribute to or influence my happiness, but I am the ultimate decider.

And so are you.