Good intentions.

I'm reflecting on my Christmas... which was full of family and food and stories. It was also full of expectations and side-way glances. I've learned that my memories of family members when I was younger doesn't always match up to the reality. Sometimes that's a bummer to face... but other times, it's a welcomed refresher.

Preparing for my trip to see family, I'd been thinking about not wanting to do it. It's so much easier to stay in my comfort bubble. To stay home and spend the holidays with friends. Friends who have similar interests. Similar viewpoints. Basically, I wanted to avoid the drama.

But last night, surrounded my family in a tiny cramped (but cozy) vacation apartment, I realized something.

We are not perfect.
And everyone wasn't there.
And some people I get along with better than others.

But.

I realize that I need to give up on grudges and just be happy to have family.
I realize that I don't have a perfect family or have perfect memories and that it's okay.
I realize that I need to cherish the goofy stories that make everyone roll their eyes.

At the end of the day, I am at peace.
I realize that our intentions are good and our hearts our pure.

Alrightynot.

Have you ever felt this way?
Felt alrightynot?

Have you ever felt as though, really, everything is fine?
In the nothing-emergent-is-happening kind of way.
But at the same time, there's a tiny bit of awful going on inside of you too?

Sometimes I get this way when I'm on the brink of something.
The brink of a decision.
The brink of a change.
The brink of something that has the capacity to be amazing.

But fear grabs ahold... infests itself, and I find myself alrightynot.

Fear puts doubt in my mind.
Fear clouds the opportunity for growth.
Fear prevents me from seeing that the pros outweigh the cons.

When I'm feeling alrightynot, I turn to others.
I turn to my support group for... well, support.
To process my awfulness.
To remind myself of my fineness.
To dispel the myths that my alrightynot has created in my mind.

I am thankful for my support system.
I am thankful that my brain equips me with a rational side.
The rational side that allows me to pull back and look at the big picture.

The big picture that shows that I have a lot of fine... and just an ity-bitty awful.
That the awesome and amazing things about my life far outweigh the fear.

12 Days of Christmas... from your therapist.

Forget ladies dancing and drummers drumming.... for Christmas this year,

your therapist has a few gift offerings.

On the 12th day of Christmas, my therapist gave to me:

12 steps for living in recovery

11 tips for conflict resolution

10 self-care techniques

9 Amazon book recommendations

8 positive affirmations

7 ways to distract from anxiety

6 life-enrichment TED talks

FIVE RULES FOR ANGER

4 relaxation tapes

3 reminders to challenge negative thinking

2 print-outs to manage panic attacks

And a journal to record your thoughts and feelings!

Your own skin.

In a meeting with a client this morning, she admitted the following statement to me...

"I'm addicted to everything but myself."

It takes everything in my being not to shake her. To not give her a list of all of the reasons why she should be excited about her recovery journey. To not try to make her see that she's making a mountain out of the molehill that are her problems. To not want to take her home with me and provide the structure, accountability, and support that she so desperately needs.

But, of course, I do none of the above.

I look at her with caring eyes and an empathic heart, and tell her that I know she's struggling. I tell her that I know the journey is difficult. I tell her that while it might not seem worth it now, the journey begins with a new step each day. I tell her that I believe in her.

Therapy is hard.

Sometimes, I wonder if it's harder on the client, or harder on the therapist...

Wordless Wednesday :: Promise Yourself.