Expectations.

I don't know about you, but I rarely have a time when I'm not "in my head". Whether it's thinking about what I've just done, what I need to be doing, how other people might feel about what I just said, or even what's for dinner.... there are always thoughts going on. One of my favorite things to think about over and over (I'm slightly joking) is wrestling the divide between my expectations and embracing reality.

The division between my personal expectations and being okay with how reality is in my life has ways been deep. It's not to say that I don't feel happy, because I would consider myself a pretty contented person... but unrealistic expectations will drive me crazy. I'm not sure how it happened, but I have theories regarding that perfectionistic side of me. It's funny at times to hear clients say to me "that's exactly how I feel... it's like you've been there". It's also the point at which I tell myself not to take over their therapy session. :) Often, I find that the best thing to do in these situations is to slow down. Sometimes it actually involves saying "SLOW DOWN" in my head, followed by some deep breathing exercises.

Over time it gets easier. Slowing down. Embracing positive and negative emotions. Feeling balanced. But if you're in the thick of unrealistic expectations, know that I feel ya. Something that helps me to let go of expectations is to not keep things bottled up. It's as if all the eggs are in one basket, and if they don't go well, everything is smashed.... when in reality, perhaps every egg should have a basket. It's about balance and awareness and having healthy boundaries and knowing yourself. 

The Cha-cha.

In college, I took a 1-hour physical education class..... Latin Dance. One night a week, I'd go to our university's gym, and dance the salsa and other Latin dances with a collection of other students. I have no idea why I signed up (I probably needed one more credit hour to keep my scholarship) but I had the most fun! Getting the hang of dance steps can be challenging... stepping forward, stepping backward, stepping to the side, cha-cha-cha. I still smile and laugh whenever I think of certain songs, and for a brief moment I remember the steps!

At lunch yesterday, I was reminded of taking steps forward... and backward... and trying not to beat myself up for those times when things seem like they are sliding. A friend was talking about getting caught up in the drama of life, and needing to balance the many things on her plate. I shared that I had recently had a "high speed come apart" (my definition of an intense emotional meltdown... yes, even therapists have them) and feeling drained and exhausted afterward. She said that she identified, and that she's learning from those type of experiences. Learning that its her body's warning to re-group and collect herself. And that the next day, she feels refreshed... and is back to the races.

It got me thinking about my own emotional reaction to things, and the ways my clients describe their emotional fluctuations at times. It really is like the cha-cha. Sometimes we go forward. Sometimes we go backward. But it doesn't mean that we're a disaster. We just have to keep chugging away, and know that eventually, days will be brighter and our focus will be more clear.

Be lovers, but be friends too.

My grandparents have been married a long time. Over sixty years... I can't count that high. He hoards papers. She throws away said-papers every chances she gets. He agrees to take office in all sorts of lighthouse related organizations. She begrudgingly types newsletters for the lighthouse related organizations as his "secretary" and licks envelopes to send to readers across Florida. They bicker. She rolls her eyes. They are the cutest couple ever. I wonder if he ever sleeps with one eye open.

I hear stories of my mom and her siblings' childhood. Of my grandpa's working all the time. Of grandma raising five children. Of doing so much for them all while grandpa worked and provided. Even now well into retirement, when they could spend so much time together, she plays her Bridge with friends and he sings in the male chorus. Sometimes, you could convince me that they hate one another. Except. Except that truly. Truly, they are the best of friends.

As a counselor who works with married couples, I've come to understand that people enter marriage counseling for one of three reasons.... (1) they genuinely want to work on their marriage, (2) one person wants to work on the marriage while the other one is just along for the ride, or (3) they are both coming with no intention on staying married, but want to say that they at least "tried the counseling route" before filing papers.

In my experience, the biggest contributor of unhappiness (and resulting failure) in a marriage is a disconnect in activity. In togetherness. In shared interests. Perhaps it's that she consumes herself with the children. Maybe he's always with his golfing buddies. She's busy with PTA and volunteer meetings. He's coaching baseball and track. No matter what the activities are that keeps them separate, the lack of priority in one another prevents them from being able to nurture their relationship.

They seem to forget that they need one another to keep the relationship going. To stay in the same lane. To stay moving in the same direction. It's so easy to be distracted by other things (and other people) if you don't have your partner by your side working with you through the challenges of life. I always ask couples of identify when they started to pull away from one another... when they started walking in different lanes. They may not be able to identify exact dates, but generally they can ballpark a time when they stopped being one another's priorities.

Not that divorce didn't exist in my grandparents' age, because I know that it did, it just seems that it is so much more prevalent nowadays. It's easier to decide that we're unhappy where we currently are and instead of deciding to become happy again HERE, we decided to become happy THERE. We think that becoming happy THERE is going to be better. That becoming a priority THERE is going to be better. That moving on is easier than forgiving, or asking for forgiveness. That moving on is better than staying put and fixing problems, than redefining a relationship, than rediscovering the love that we have for our partners.

When it comes down to it, we just need friendships. For the most part, that's how it all started. A smile. A conversation. A laugh. A football game. A common interest. If you're at the point where you're starting to wander... get back to brass tacks. Remind yourself of what got you interested in the first place. Remind yourself of your friend.

Rekindle the friendship. Lick some envelopes for a newsletter to a lighthouse organization. :)

My puzzle.

First, I must thank you all for you responses to my news on Friday. I'm still letting everything sink in... as you'll read today. :)

Are there ever days when you feel as though you want to pull the covers over your head and hide? I've felt that way before, with reason behind it.... a test in graduate school, a difficult client session, confrontation with a family member or friend. There's always been a reason. At least one that, with time to process, I can generate.

Today, I feel that way, and I haven't got the slightest idea why. I didn't have to rush to get ready this morning and was even able to relax with a friend for lunch. I sneaked a cupcake for dessert too.

But all day long, I've had this feeling. This wacky feeling of ick. Of anxiety. Of being overwhelmed. Of wanting to crawl back in bed and put the covers over my head. Of wanting to close my eyes and get lost in a dream. Or in a book.

To escape my never-ending to-do list. To avoid responsibility. To not take on other people's problems. To allow myself to wallow in self-pity.

To cut of my edge.

A friend of mine once told me that he loves that I never turn my therapist off, because I sit with my thoughts long enough to figure out my own issues. I laugh, because I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

In the midst of my internal pity party, I remind myself that I know that I have a lot on my plate. I know that I have a lot going on right now, but that my plate is full of good things that bring me joy. Things that if I honestly had to cut out, I'd have a difficult time letting anything loose.

I remind myself to take a deep breath. To dig deep. To think about how I'd lay it out for a client. Which, of course, would be to take things one day at a time. To take things FIVE MINUTES at a time if needed.

My puzzle is mine... it's curves and it's edges.

It scares me.

Around this time last year, I had my resignation letter typed, printed, and signed. I kept it with me until the pain of the burning from carrying inside of my pocket for two weeks was too much. It scared me to think about life beyond the job that I had held for 8 years. It scared me to leave the security of my twice-a-month paycheck and invite my pay to be determined by insurance reimbursement. It scared me to have to search for clients instead of them magically landing on my schedule. It scared me to not have the protection of an organization.

Looking back almost one year later, I'm so glad that I had the courage to let go and invite something new and scary into my life.

Teaching has always been something that I've wanted, but at the university level it is difficult to teach without a doctorate. Which would require research. Ask Dr. Whatley from VSU's Psychology department about my incredible research skills, and he'll quote you the words of my discussion section on the last research paper I did... "This sucks." 

It's difficult to teach when you don't have a doctorate. When you don't have experience. When you have a full time job. When you have clients who have fluctuating schedules and need you throughout the day. And when you have a list of the things that you DON'T have, it's difficult to see the things that you DO have....

A flexible schedule.
Experience leading community/organizational groups.
Creativity and organization.
A masters degree.
Passion for helping others learn.

Last week, I did something else scary. I applied for a job as an adjunct instructor at the local community college.

And got it.

Spring quarter, I'll be an adjunct instructor teaching two Human Growth and Development courses. It scares me. It excites me. It makes me smile. 

Sometimes, doing something scary could turn out to be the best decision ever. Making a choice to risk your comfort zone has never turned out bad for me yet, and I'm learning to trust my gut more and more. Even if after 8 weeks of teaching I decide that it's not for me, I'll know that at least I tried.