How long have you waited for something? For something that you've really wanted. Days? Months? Years? There are times when my mind and my heart are in huge conflict with themselves, and I feel like my body is just along for the ride. The ride of a rollercoaster than offers twists, turns, and a bunch of upside downs. At times, I believe that the waiting is worth it, and I spend a lot of time working on developing patience. If I'm honest, though, I'll admit that it can be stressful and overwhelming. Other times, I believe that letting go is best because letting go means that I'm no longer plagued with heartache or mind fuzz. The worst part of all is when I'm stuck and I don't know which decision is best. That's when it's most painful. One of the things I like to do when faced with a challenge is to pull out a piece of paper and to consider the pros and cons of the situation. To me, as a visual person, it's not enough to think about options in my mind. (I think that's where I get so overwhelmed.) It's helpful for me to see things on paper, concrete and evident. Have more pros than cons doesn't mean that I stick with the waiting game, because I need to consider the quality of my list and the weight that each item plays into the situation. Most of the time, being able to see my options on paper helps me to make better decisions. Even difficult ones. I just need to remember that even if my heart might get hurt in the short-term, waiting or letting go is worth it in the end.
When I read this quote for the first time, I wanted to shout "AMEN!" at my computer screen. Truthfully, I wanted to scream it to the universe. Perhaps if it ever gets printed on a t-shirt, I'll buy it. :)
There are times when I love that I feel deeply, but there are times when I dislike it so much. I cry at the ASPCA commercials (damn you, Sarah McLachlan). I get excited about starting creative projects (and often throw myself into it without thinking). I process and think about things that happened in the past way too much.
I used to want to change... used to want to not feel as much. Thinking to myself, why can other people turn their feelings off or not feel so powerfully? Or feeling compelled to act on feelings instead of just allowing them to BE with me. Realizing that I don't have to get rid of them.
The keyword is used to. Because I don't anymore.
I've learned that sometimes sitting with my feelings is better than acting on them or pushing them away. Sometimes,
sitting with them means processing them, trying to make sense of them,
accepting them as part of my life and where I am right now. (It doesn't mean things are good or bad, feelings just are.) Although they
can be confusing, interruptive, and annoying at times, feelings
are just feelings. I need to remember that they are transient in our lives, even when I get stuck and think they are
permanent. It's important for me to try to step back and think about the bigger picture. Whatever situation I'm experiencing right now is only a little blip on my life timeline... it's not a crashing boulder. I'm going to be okay.
Have you ever felt like you've been dropped in dirt and covered in darkness?
Even when we know that change and growth is good and healthy for us, it doesn't take away the feelings of being lost and lonely. Of being scared and overwhelmed. Of wanting to scramble out of the hole we've been dropped into and back to the safety net from which we came.
Growth is meant to stretch our comfort zone. If we don't feel comfortable, it means that we're not growing. Struggling to reach the light means that we're changing and transforming into the person that we're striving to become. Just like growing pains that we felt in our bodies during adolescents, we're going to feel growing pains through change. But it's worth it. All you have to do is reach for the light.
Growing up, I never had to study. Things generally came easy to me, so I typically could get away with glancing at information right before a test and still do well on it. When it came to projects, the more creative the better. Shoebox depictions of animal habitats or plant cells made from jello and other food items? Consider it done. Writing papers, however, always brought me back to reality. Papers deflated my excitement for school. It's not that I didn't like writing... clearly, I write a blog every day... but I didn't like the format of writing. Having a main idea. Having supportive sentences. Blech. As a result, I would procrastinate. Procrastination became my favorite word in college, especially graduate school. Between working two jobs and attending classes full-time, I think that it just made sense for me to put off now what I could do later. As if the pressure of doing things last minute made me stronger. Crazy talk, I know. When college was over, and I was left with one job only, I thought that all pressure would go away. And it did for a while. Until demands in other areas of life decided to creep in. I ultimately realized that just when we manage to escape one area of stress, there's always another one waiting. If you're lucky, one stressor happens at a time, but if you're like me at all it seems like they enjoy one another's company and come in herds! When I feel overwhelmed, I need to remember that some pressure is good. It forces me to stay away from procrastination. It keeps me in action. It keeps me aware and alert. Thinking of pressure reminded me of this story I heard about a carrot, egg, and coffee bean. Have you heard it before? If not, I invite you to read it below and consider which one you are... * * * * * * * A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed that as one problem was solved, a new one arose.
Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to a boil. In the first, she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil, without saying a word.
In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She then pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl.
Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me, what do you see?"
"Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied.
She brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. She then asked her to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg. Finally, she asked her to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma.
The daughter then asked, "What does it mean, Mother?"
Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity -- boiling water -- but each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior. But, after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.
"Which are you?" she asked her daughter. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean?"
Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity? Do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?
Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and a hardened heart?
Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor of your life. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hours are the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate to another level?
How do you handle adversity? Are you changed by your surroundings or do you bring life, flavor, to them?
I meet new people all the time. In therapy, new clients never cease to offer explanations and reasons behind their stories.... "I wasn't always like this"... "You must think I'm crazy"... "I've never told anyone that before".
I wonder how it feels to prepare for therapy, the thoughts before being called back to my office. Preparing to sit in front of a person I've never met, to answer questions about my life story, to become vulnerable to their comments and (in my mind) their judgments. For people who have ever experienced talk therapy, it must be nerve-wracking. And so I do my best to offer support and encouragement.
I wonder sometimes, however, if I check my judgement-free attitude at the door when I leave my office. It's certainly something to consider... how things might be if I treated everyone in my life as if they were a first-time client. Vulnerable to life. Not wanting to be judged. Only wanting to be accepted for who they are. Wanting who they are to be good enough.
Yesterday, I saw this video which was produced by Rethink Homelessness, an organization in Central Florida geared to assist their community rethink who the homeless really are. It's amazing how in less than a minute and a half, perspective about life can change. I invite you to view it below:
Remember that everyone has a story. Whether it's your annoying neighbor who always complains about something, the customer at work who is snippy and in a rush, or the homeless woman who sleeps on your church's front steps... everyone has a story to tell. Instead of passing judgment, be open to learning. There's usually more to their story than you could imagine.
