Moving forward.

It's so easy to stay with a thought.
To allow it to snuggle up in your brain and get comfortable.
To get caught and not be able to wriggle free.

The power of a mistake to control us is indescribable at times.
And rarely do we need reminders from others about our choices.
Because even when years go by, our misfortunes can awake like hibernated bears.
They can awake, and... just as you were starting to forget the mistakes you've made, they come barreling back into your stream of consciousness.

Sometimes, the best thing we can do is to remind ourselves that we're not perfect.
That we're flawed.
That we're human.
And that it's okay to make a mistake.
When we learn better, we do better.
When we do better, we recognize misfortunes, and turn them into opportunities for growth.
Growth, and change.
Into happier selves.

Don't dwell.
Face.
Admit.
Accept.
And move forward.

Who are you?

I was searching for another one of her videos, when I stumbled on this one by Iyanla Vanzant. Ms. Vanzant is a powerful speaker and "relationship expert". I got hooked on her when the girls at my office wanted to show me something from her television show. It wasn't long before I began following her on Facebook and watching her motivational videos.

This "Who Are You?" video speaks to me.... loudly. It speaks to be when I consider how I define myself. When I consider the person I am beyond the description of "therapist" or "Brett's wife". Beyond the hats that I wear on a daily basis, who am I underneath it all?

I think that a lot of people feel challenged to answer this question because we tend to look outside of ourselves for validation. We look to the roles we carry, the friendships we have, the things that we do and are for others. Ms. Vanzant encourages us to consider who we are in the dark, without television, laying on our backs... perhaps staring at the ceiling at 2:00 in the morning. She encourages you (and me) to consider who we are, not because of how other people tell us we are, but because we know it. We feel it. We believe it. We live it.

Who are you?

Exhausted. But blessed.

I beat myself up for having not blogged at all week. But the truth is, I'm exhausted.

Teaching is more intense than I ever could have imagined... in the best possible way. I had a student ask me a few weeks ago what time I go to bed at night because he noticed the time stamp on the lectures I post online. I laughed to myself at his question, but I know that I perhaps have bitten off more than I could chew.

The truth is, I feel in my element. I feel like I'm in an amazing groove. I'm happier than I've felt in a long time and I know it's because I made a choice to do what I want. To do what I love. Even at the cost of my rest. :)

If you're in a place right now where you're on the fence about making a decision, know that I understand that feeling. If you're leaning toward NOT doing it because you're doubting your ability, I encourage you to take a chance. Take a chance that you'll completely love it, despite sleep depravity. Despite saying no to things that you used to do (like all-night marathons of Netflix shows).

After all, you're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.

I promise to make more of an effort to spend some time here on my blog beginning next week. Writing helps to sort thoughts, share insights, and express the importance of lifting up others. I'll do some sleeping this week, and be ready to roll on Monday. :)

Students.

Love this.
A reminder that we're all students.
Learning and growing.
At our own pace.
No need to compare.
No need to boast or lament.
One foot in front of the other.

A journey.

One year ago yesterday, I started a blog. My purpose was to fill the void that I created by leaving my career of being a therapist in a hospital-based setting and into private practice. Gone would be the case management, the mountainous paperwork, the politics of working for an organization... but also gone would be my group therapies, and intense passion to teach others through song, open process, and the sharing of stories.

192 posts later, I've got a year of blogging under my belt. I've had a goal to post at least three times a week, and with the exception of things lately... I think I've reached that goal pretty successfully. I don't think I fully understood the change that would come when I agreed to add "college instructor" to my list of hats, and now instead of consider a blog post each morning, I'm in class doing a different kind of teaching. I'm thankful for both forms.

The little step I made to put myself out there has brought wonderful conversation into my life... through friendships, client work, and making connections with other professionals. There are times when I blog because something speaks to me in my innermost self, times when I blog because I read something really cool, or because I need to reflect something discussed in therapy.

If you've been with me since the beginning, I hope you've enjoyed this journey.
If you've just joined me recently, I invite you to continue the ride!

Recovery.

Today is National Alcohol Awareness Day. I haven't shared with many people about my journey in working with clients who have substance abuse issues, and figured that it would be just a good day as any to take an opportunity to share my walk.

People joke and say that people who become therapists aim to fix themselves or their family members. While I wouldn't say that was true for me (honestly, this whole therapy thing was a Higher Power decision and not a Kelly decision) I would be remiss to not mention that my family has its fair share of history in the mental health and substance abuse department. It deeply impacted my adolescent years, and to this day I have boundaries up because of the behaviors of some family members.

Even with a Master's degree under my belt, the impact of substance abuse didn't hit me (like a ton of bricks) until I was working and began seeing my first substance abuse client. I fought tooth and nail to give her to another therapist. I ranted about substance abuse being a choice and mentally siding with her family members who were at their wit's end. Empty promises. Progress and back-sliding. 

All of this before I got to know my client.
I had preconceived thoughts.
I had beliefs that impacted my care.

And then I listened.
I listened to a story of pain unfold.

Of loss.
Of regret.
Of depression.
Of internal suffering.
Of guilt and shame.

I realized that I was wearing grey colored glasses around her. I was another pointing finger. Another "how could you" voice.

Her story, her journey, our experience in therapy together completely changed me. My eyes were open to her pain. My ears heard the pleas of earnest effort to forget. To drown misery with misery. I've never viewed a client with substance abuse issues the same since. Over the years I have clients ask me if I have a history of substance abuse, oftentimes it being a defense for them not to open up with me. They think I'm unable to help without first-hand knowledge, but I encourage them to stick around for a bit before making a judgment (that same judgment that I had made). More recently, I had a client in group ask me the same question, to which I gave my reply of first-hand experience not being the only way we can share knowledge. After class was over I pulled him aside and asked him why that information was important. I will never forget his answer.

"You treat us like you've been there before, and have hope for our futures."

Two days in my career... both were game-changers. If you, or someone you know, has been impacted by problematic drinking behaviors, I encourage you to seek help. Not everyone needs hospitalization, it might just be that you need a non-judgmental ear to listen and a neutral person to process thoughts and feelings with along the way. Keeping focus on healthy behaviors and addressing the skeletons in your closet is the only way to make this journey successful. While perusing the internet this morning, I found this list of 12 stupid things that can mess up recovery. I had a little chuckle at first, and realized I've had several conversations about quite a few on here.

Game changers.

I know that therapy isn't for everyone... at least in terms of beginning therapy at any point and being able to see it through. I know that therapy CAN be useful for everyone, but you have to be at a point where you're willing to pull back the layers of your life and examine what's there. What's keeping you sick. What needs to get thrown away.

I recently found an amazing article from a woman who went to therapy in her 20s and kept a journal of sorts about her therapy experience. In THIS article, she speaks to 8 life-changing lessons that she learned while attending therapy. I hope you'll take the time to read the article, but here are the lessons that she learned...

1. You are stronger than you think.
2. The most difficult step of character development is to enjoy being alone.
3. Sometimes you have to let go of your notion of a happy family.
4. You need to accept you.
5. Don't take the blame for your parents' behavior.
6. Watch out for repetition-compulsion.
7. Practice being real.
8. Fully accepting what your parents can't give you frees you.

I went to lunch today with a fellow therapist, and we talked about how some graduate school programs encourage, or even require, students to attend therapy. We talked about the importance of being clear in your own thoughts and feelings before you can truly help others, and the importance of self-reflection as a practicing clinician.

Whether you are actively engaged in therapy, or could just use a little boost to your thoughts every once in a while, I hope you'll take the time to review this list and consider its impact in your own life. If you find stuck-points or an idea that speaks to you, I hope you'll take the time to think about it more. Think about how it applies to you and what you may be able to do to find some resolution.

The next chapter.

There are plenty of reasons....

You're nervous.
You're overwhelmed.
You're not ready.
You feel stuck.
You doubt success.
You fear failure.
You're cautious.
You like a plan.

There are plenty of reasons why we keep living the same chapter. Over and over again, we hold tight to our present situations even if we identify and understand that we need to turn the page. That we need to let go of what is and embrace what is to come. Mostly, it's because we fear the unknown... whether that comes in the form of success, or failure... whether things happen quickly, or dreadfully slow.

If you're in this boat of wavering, turn the page. Remind yourself of the goodness that can be awaiting you just on the other side. Remind yourself of the opportunities that you have to restore and rebuild yourself. Remind yourself of the goodness that you deserve, and the goodness that you seek. Remind yourself of the person you are capable of becoming.

Get unstuck.
Turn the page.
Begin the next chapter of your life.