Have you ever heard of the 5 Love Languages? If you have, you know that it's awesome. If you haven't, I encourage you to take a few minutes (really, it's just about 5-7 minutes) and take the online test, which reveals some pretty insightful stuff... mainly, the language in which you share your love to others. Even though the creators offer up 5 languages (Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch) I personally think they are GRAVELY missing a very important language of love. The language of food. According to the 5LL, my main language is Words of Affirmation which I incredibly agree with, but I would submit that if food were added, it would be a top contender. I love sharing food with others, get excited about inviting friends over for meals, and get over-the-moon thrilled when I make special treats for special friends. If I had it my way (including a maid to keep my house clean all the time) I would invite friends over every weekend for cook-outs and parties. There is something wonderful about sharing love and laughter with friends over BBQ chicken and macaroni and cheese.... the family-style meals where we pass the dishes to one another over the table. Big smiles and big plates. No one leaving hungry. Sharing joys and sorrows. Sharing love. Food equals love to me. If I feed you, I love you. I remember a few years ago, one of my best friends and I planned a dinner party with friends. I planned the perfect menu for weeks, made the shopping list down to the aisle, and we had the best day cooking together before the dinner. That day equaled love. Love means showing people that you care about them. Love doesn't always mean presents. Loves doesn't always mean spending money. Love means sharing stories and laughing until your cheeks hurt. And sometimes, love means eating until your belly button pops out.
A Mighty Girl is the name of a group on Facebook (and possibly a website too) that is a resource site for the empowerment of girls. They offer books, movies, toys, etc. that focus on strong, confident, and courageous female characters both fictitious and throughout history. About a week ago, I saw this excerpt from Kelly Flanagan focused on beauty, and loved the way he turned around media's word choices into something more meaningful. .........
"When you have a daughter, you start to
realize she's just as strong as everyone else in the house -- a force to
be reckoned with, a soul on fire with the same life and gifts and
passions as any man," writes dad and psychologist Kelly Flanagan
in a heartfelt letter addressed to his young daughter. "But sitting in
this store [makeup] aisle, you also begin to realize most people won't
see her that way. They'll see her as a pretty face and a body to enjoy.
And they'll tell her she has to look a certain way to have any worth or
influence.
But words do have power and maybe, just maybe, the
words of a father can begin to compete with the words of the world.
Maybe a father's words can deliver his daughter through this gauntlet of
institutionalized shame and into a deep, unshakeable sense of her own
worthiness and beauty."
Flanagan goes on to give, as he writes,
"a radically different meaning" to the words often used in beauty
advertisements such as brilliant strength, age-defying, and flawless
finish. And, he assures his daughter, "Little One, you love everything
pink and frilly and I will surely understand if someday makeup is
important to you." However, he appeals to her, "I pray three words will
remain more important to you -- the last three words you say every
night, when I ask the question: 'Where are you the most beautiful?'
Three words so bright no concealer can cover them. Where are you the
most beautiful? On the inside."
.........
The Huffington Post blog recently published Flanagan's entire article, which I encourage you to read. It's incredible. I wish that every father had these wishes for his daughter(s). That every father had this type of relationship and love for his daughter to have these dreams and desires for her to be strong in these ways.
And truly, even though you are not his daughter, I believe that you can learn from his words. Words that speak truth. Words that encourage you to have brilliant strength, empowerment to dream, to take risks in being vulnerable, have grace for others and yourself, an ageless soul, and big love. It's interesting to think about how different things would be in this world if we had different messages giving powerful suggestions day in and out... suggestions of how things should be, of how we should think or how we should do.
I'd like to think that if we just paused for a moment to consider how much better it would be, and made a decision to be a little kinder to ourselves, then the possibility of making it happen just got that much more real. Where are you the most beautiful? On the inside.
I heard this message yesterday. I wanted more. I jotted down a few words, knowing that I would lose them if I just listened. I wanted more. The message was on allowing your light to shine, and a little exercise was offered that I thought was a great idea. I invite you to consider completing it yourself, as I have considered doing so as well. Part One: Make a list of 10 things that you do not like. It can be individual items, concepts, worldly things. Any 10 things of which you dislike. Part Two: Make a list of 10 things that you like. Again, it can be individual items, concepts, ideas... any 10 things which you enjoy. The outcome of the exercise, the take-home message, is to fill your life engaging in and surrounding yourself with the things on your second list. For you will find that in doing so, you will invite happiness into your life moreso than spending time around your first. When I said that I wanted more, I looked up Nelson Mandela's quote, and I found that this small, but profound statement comes within a much more compelling grouping of words. I'd like to share them with you here... "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." I got the more that I wanted. Holy cow. I had never thought of it that way. It had never occurred to me to consider things in this way. Holding things back doesn't help. Reserving parts of me doesn't fulfill the purpose that I have for my life and the greater good of this world. Letting my light shine means doing so at full blast, not at a "barely glowing" flame that I probably share with others... whether it's because I don't want to seem showy or because I am shy or because I'm tired or a host of other reasons. If I'm going to shine my light, I need to do it with gusto. And so do you.
I first time I ever really remember getting picked on was in elementary school. I can describe everything. I can close my eyes and imagine it like it was yesterday... the playground, the dark wood chips underneath my feet, my friends and I pretending that we were Shiloh Generals cheerleaders. "Who rocks the house, the Shiloh Generals rock the house, and when they rock the house they rock it all the way down." I could do the cheer for you right now if I could come through the computer screen. And while I can't remember her name, I will never forget her words.
"You're too fat to ever be a cheerleader."
Almost 30 years later, those words still affect me. Whenever I see a cheerleader, my brain takes me back to that playground. Even if just for a nanosecond. I know, rationally, that little girl had no idea that her words would stick with me. But they have. Through middle school and high school, I hated cheerleaders with a passion. Rolled my eyes when I was around them. Befriended very few of them, if I'm being honest. (Okay, if I'm being more honest, I will admit that I've watched countless cheerleading competitions on ESPN though, so I'm not sure psychologically where that puts me on the spectrum of having issues....)
When people are mean to us, their desire is to get a reaction. To assert control over our emotions. They want us to get upset about what they have said... to get worked up, and respond (fueling their fire). We may also turn inward, and evaluate who we are -- looking for ways that we need to change. Perhaps if we did THIS or worked on THAT, then maybe we would be more accepted by a particular individual or group. The truth is this. The mean things that people say to us don't have anything to do with us. The mean things aren't a reflection of us and what we need to change. Rather, it's a reflection on the person doing the talking. It's a reflection of their character.... and how they find fulfillment in putting people down in order to help themselves feel better. The next time someone says something hurtful to you, remind yourself that it has nothing to do with you. And everything to do with them. Remind yourself of how wonderful you are. How strong you are. How aware you are of your strengths, as well as the things that you'd like to improve about yourself (it's good to have balance). Remind yourself of your support system, and that you have people who care about you. Think about the things that you enjoy doing. Try not to allow the hurtful things that other people say to take away from the positives that you have in your life.
"I'm beautiful, strong, independent. I can be whoever I want to." "I don't need anything... that's just who I am. That's, like, empowering." Beauty is certainly a state of mind, as Dove's slogan suggests. When it's your state of mind against the beauty of what is staring back at you in the mirror, however, we tend to be harsh critics. I stumbled upon this video today, and love it. I'm a fan of Dove's message and have viewed several different videos, but I particularly like the psychology behind the patch and the video diaries... how the progression of the videos caught glimpses of change in each participants' language and feelings about herself. It goes to show that change in self-confidence isn't instant. It's not an overnight thing. Confidence is progressive, and takes time to develop. A little catch of your eye, here.... a comment from someone, there. Belief in yourself, appreciation for yourself, and acceptance of yourself are so important whether you are 10, 30, or 80. When we love ourselves, it's easier for us to allow others to do the same.
How often are you reminded by the mistakes you've made in the past? Occasionally? Daily? Constantly? When you think about those mistakes, what kind of language are you using when you engage in thought and reflection? Are you forgiving of your life choices or are you harsh and punishing? Everyone makes mistakes. But it doesn't mean that you have to pay for it the rest of your life. We are going to make bad choices, but we aren't bad people. We need to remember that. We are not defined by the choices that we make... by the past that we lived. Our past is meant to guide us. A compass to influence our decisions. A sign of how far we have come. A reminder of where we don't want to go again.
Yesterday I did some recharging... in the form of thought reflection, discussion, and a whole lotta laughter... with my friend Melissa, whom I've known for about 15 years. Melissa and I have shared many a struggle in our years of friendship, and one of the things I most appreciate about our discussions is that I never leave without hope that things will get better. Sure, I may feel doubtful because of my own negative thinking traps, but she always offers hope-filled encouragement that things will get better when the storms pass.
I think there are times when we get so wrapped up in our struggles that we don't see the forest for the trees, so to speak. Whether it's because we are so overwhelmed, so caught up in drama, so distraught, or so lost... we lose perspective on the importance of slowing down, taking a breath, and sorting through things and making a plan of action. Sometimes our struggles aren't as bad as they seem to be, but because we're so overwhelmed, we make it worse. Sure, we're freaking out. Sure, we want it to be over. And as difficult as it may be to do... we need to be calm.
Take a time out. Take some deep breaths. Listen to some calming music. Watch a funny movie. Make a phone call to a good friend or supportive family member. Allow yourself to escape from your stress for a little bit. Some distraction is good.
But don't give up. Don't give up hope that the possibility of overcoming your struggle is possible. Because you can do this. Just remember that you're not going to be the same person when you are finished. No, you are going to be a better version of yourself. You are going to be someone who is stronger. Someone who believes in themselves more. Someone more confident.
That belief might not be there right away... but one day, you'll hear a whisper inside of you that says "it was worth it."
I laughed a little too loudly when I read this. And while somewhat tongue-and-cheek, it's certainly true. I do not like fake butter. Or fake cheese (did you know they put sawdust in shredded cheese?!) And I certainly do not like fake people. Life needs to be real. To be lived with sincerity. To be lived with, and for, people who will be cherished and who will cherish me. I don't have time for faking. I want real friendships. I want to be loved by the people I surround myself with. And I want to return that love. I want to nurture those people with whom I spend my time. If you aren't willing to put forth the time and effort I need, I understand... but in doing so, you're choosing not to enter a relationship with me. I'd rather have a handful of AMAZING friends, than a gaggle of acquaintances who I can't rely on in times of need. That's important to me because I want to be able to return the favor if you are in need of me too.
In my work with clients who are striving toward recovery, one of the challenges they face is finding alternative ways to deal with positive, negative, and neutral feelings. For much of their history in using, they turned to substances whether they were happy, sad, or bored... not just because of one particular situation. I remember my first group of substance abuse clients... I was an intern in graduate school, completely green to the therapy community, and as different as could be from the client population as possible. One week, the question I had been dreading was asked... had I ever used drugs, and if not, how could I help them. At the time, I wasn't prepared for the answer, and I looked like a fool. Flash forward to a few months ago. The same question was asked. I turned it around and asked why the client wanted to know, and his answer surprised me. He said that I sounded like I knew how difficult his road had been. While I've never been down his road before, I've been down my own road. A road that has lead to decisions of wanting to forget. Wanting to celebrate. And wanting to make something happen. Food. Mindless television. Shopping. The internet. Relationships. Exercise. Substances. Unhealthy choices don't always come in the form of a drink or a drug. And sometimes more acceptable behaviors can be even more dangerous because they can be sneaky. I try to think about things in terms of this question... Am I engaging in this behavior to alter my feelings? If so, it might warrant a follow-up self-evaluation. Food isn't bad. Television isn't bad. Shopping isn't bad. And neither are the others. But when we do them in excess and to alter our feelings, they are taken out of their intended context, and can turn into monsters... or turn us into people we aren't meant to be.
I once saw a cartoon of a guy laying on the couch with a little thought bubble above his head the read: I'm desperately looking for the motivation to get motivated...
If
there is something that you've been wanting to do, or change about
yourself, but you're just not "feeling it", consider what your
motivation is. To me, motivation is that drive we have to do things... I go to work because I like a paycheck... I pay my bills because I really like my air conditioning and internet... I take a shower every day because I don't want to smell.
Motivation comes in two forms: internal and external. External motivation means that something outside of me is driving the behaviors that I do. (I drive the speed limit -- for the most part -- because I don't want to get pulled over and get a speeding ticket. Internal motivation means that something within me is driving the behaviors that I do. (I drive the speed limit -- for the most part -- because I want to be safe and don't want to cause harm to others.) Sometimes motivation is really high and we are excited about making changes, while other times our motivation is in the gutter and barely visible. External sources (family, friends, work, legal) are good at the beginning of change, but lasting behaviors occur when we have internal motivation to keep us going (believing in yourself, wanting to be proud of yourself, improving your self-esteem, enjoying your own company).
I remember in college I took a behavior modification class. We talked a lot about positive and negative reinforcement, a teeny bit about motivation, and how punishment doesn't work well (with children or with adults).
The best lesson I learned in that class was the Premack Principle, which essentially means that in order to get something that I want I need to do something that I don't really like. For example, if I want to read my new favorite book, I need to fold the laundry first. If I want to float around in my pool for the afternoon, I need to first finish my therapy notes from yesterday. The Premack Principle helped me during college when we had to do our own behavior modification experiment on ourselves, and it's worked time and time again through more real-life situations since then as a motivating factor to get me to do things I don't really enjoy.
Motivation is a constant force in our lives. Sometimes we need little rewards along the way, helping us see progress or making the load a little bit lighter to carry.
Sometimes I get clients who are so frustrated about their life situation, that they work really hard at making (and trying to see) immediate changes. Through the process of therapy, however, they become discouraged if symptoms worsen and moods don't improve. I try to warn clients that things might get worse before they get better. Therapy is difficult. Processing thoughts and feelings that you've worked so hard to suppress can bring up situations that you aren't prepared for. And there may be times when you feel like giving up. I remind them that you can't put the cart before the horse. You have to go through experiences in order to be able to make sense of them and get over them. You have to realize that you can't turn a blind eye to your problems anymore. Addressing issues that have happened over time can be overwhelming, and while you've tried avoiding them in the past, therapy involves facing problems head-on. If you think that you aren't becoming what you wanted, perhaps there is an opportunity to think differently. Perhaps you are un-becoming the person that you weren't meant to be. Perhaps this un-becoming adventure is preparing you for developing into the person that you were meant to be. And that can be awfully exciting. Scary at times, but exciting. And you don't have to do it alone. My job as a therapist isn't to fix your problems, but to be supportive along your journey. Your journey to becoming who you really are... even if you have to un-become first.
I'm a fan of Disney. Not one of those pin-wearing-always-have-to-get-every-movie-before-it-goes-into-the-vault kind of fan, but I love the stories.... and, okay, the songs. I love the songs. Interestingly enough, one of my favorite Disney movies isn't glittered with music. It's the story that captivates me.
Finding Nemo.
The story, if you aren't familiar with it, goes something like this... a man's wife is brutally murdered by a serial killer and his son is left physically disabled. In a twisted turn of events, the son is kidnapped and the man has to chase the kidnapper thousands of miles with the help of a mentally disturbed woman.
Intense, right? :) One of the things that I love about Disney is that the movies aren't always just for kids. Sure, it's a cartoon and there are quirky lines that kids repeat over and over (don't tell me that you haven't memorized P.Sherman 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney) but it's messages can also be related to adults. Here is what I learned from Finding Nemo. I'd like to share them with you.
* Never Give Up. Whether it was Marlin searching for Nemo, Nemo believing that his dad would save him, or the aquarium fish looking for freedom, none of the characters in the story gave up. Were they frustrated, worn down, and often to the point of exhaustion? YES! But they had a goal in mind. We need to remember that life is going to be difficult sometimes. There are even going to be people who want to stand in our way. Keeping our eyes set on the goals that we have keeps us from never giving up. We just have to keep swimming...
* Stretch outside of your comfort zone. Marlin was terrified after his wife died, and in raising Nemo, he was a helicopter parent, and clearly anxious over just about everything. But in order to save Nemo, he had to leave his place of comfort and stretch. Sometimes, where we currently are is not healthy for us. Sure, it might feel good and comfortable to know where things are... to know which emotions belong for which situations, or avoiding certain topics prevent you from thinking about things... but staying in the comfort zone doesn't leave room for growth. It's only when we take chances and try new things that we truly grow as individuals and realize the capabilities we have.
* Worrying Can Make You Miss Things. Marlin is a worry wort. To the point of missing out on life. One of my favorite scenes in the movie is when Marlin runs into the swarm of sea turtles, which is where move-watchers meet Squirt and Crush. Crush and Squirt have a very different relationship than Marlin and Nemo... Crush is a parent who allows his son to take risks and find things out on his own, with some guidance. This scene changes Marlin, and increases his awareness to the fact that he can't Nemo in a bubble. In doing so, Marlin realizes the opportunities he's missed out on. When we worry, it can be so easy to consume our minds with thoughts of "what if"s and other negative thinking. When worry gets in the way of daily tasks, we find that we miss opportunities of happiness and love. Maybe we push away chances to engage with family and friends. We say no to events that deep down we'd like to attend, for fear of how we'll be perceived by others. Worrying makes you miss out on things.
* The Power of Friendship. It's no secret that the only way that Marlin was able to find Nemo is through the power of Dory's friendship. He had nothing to offer her either, yet she was still willing to help. She distracted him when he needed it, offered comic relief too. And it was probably also her belief in him and their adventure that kept him focused on his goal. Marlin also learned through his journey that it's important to trust people, that everyone isn't always out to get you. During times of stress, excitement, grief, and fear, the power of friendship is a force that cannot be beaten. To know that you've got someone in your corner when you need a shoulder to cry on, a word of comfort or advice, or someone to celebrate life's amazing victories. Friendship is incredible.
Others enjoy relationships, and want them. There is a difference.
A long time ago, I remember doing a group on health relationships. I don't know why the CHEEZIEST phrase came to mind, but it did. "I have to be a healthy 'me' before I can be part of a healthy 'we'." As much as it makes me want to roll my eyes, it has so much truth to it.
If I want to attract healthy people... healthy being solid in emotions, thinking, boundary-setting, etc... I need to be that way myself. If I am struggling with emotional manipulation or dramatic thinking, the only people who will be attracted to me will be others who identify with those traits or those who feed off of them. Until I can get myself together, embracing who I am as an individual, I'm not really good for anyone else. I need opportunities to make decisions based on my thoughts and feelings, need chances to make mistakes and learn how to overcome them on my own, need to understand my worth as an individual and not part of a couple.
Only then.
Only then can I truly be prepared to feel comfortable enough within myself to believe that I don't need a relationship to make or keep me happy, but that a relationship would enhance the happiness I already have.
I had a conversation with a client the other day about love. She was talking about being frustrated with being in one relationship after another and wondering what the point of dating was... wondering if she would ever find the one... wondering if the concept of the one exists. My response to her statements and questions surprised me. I told her that I wasn't sure that there was only one the one out there, and that I think that there are people that we have in our lives that we fall in love with at different times in our lives and for different reasons. We further discussed that this could be why we never forget about our "first love" because of the newness of the feelings and experiences, but that when you develop a mature loving relationship you wonder how you could have ever felt that way about someone else before. We truly can't compare any type of love, because they are all so unique and special to us -- all for different reasons, all carrying their own set of thoughts and feelings with them. We had a really good discussion about relationships in general, about love with dating, friendships, and family. And of course, like I always do, the theme of that session stuck with me. I started reflecting on my own relationships, past and present, and thinking about why I love (and have loved) each person in my life... - I love B because he has supported every decision I've made, whether or not he's liked it. - I love J because she never judges me and always helps me develop a plan of action. - I love T because we have incredible respect for one another and I can't help but smile when I see him. - I love M because she took me under her wing during college, and has turned into one of my dear friends. - I love S because no matter how much time passes between our lunches, we always pick up right where we left off. - I love D because he makes me laugh. All the time. Without fail.
I used to think that the words "I love you" could only be reserved for critical people. That simply isn't true anymore. It felt weird at first -- saying I love you to friends -- but the more and more that I say it, the better it feels; the more confidence I have letting the people I care about know how much they mean to me. I think that we don't have just one the one... rather, we have many ones who we fall in love with. Whether it's their throw-the-head-back laughter, their passion for life, their courage to face life's challenges... whatever it is. Fall in love with it. Because you aren't the same without it being present in your life. There are all kinds of love in this world, but never the same love twice.
When someone asks you about yourself, what are you most inclined to tell them? Admittedly, I go right for the occupation, and inevitably find myself stuck in a conversation about being a therapist. Which I do love discussing. But sometimes... sometimes, I want to talk about my loves. Of craftiness, of cupcakes, of surprises, of staying up way too late to finish my most recent favorite novel. I wish that people could see what other people see in them. I wish that we could create a magic mirror that could show all of the awesomeness that we have for real, all of the zany and funky things that make us laugh and be lovable to the people that love us. To the people who find us special. To the people who take time from their day to think about us. When we are struggling, we get so caught up in who we think we are (or rather, who we think we aren't). We are worthless. We aren't good enough. We will never get anywhere. We pay attention to the negatives. We completely ignore any semblance of positives... any accomplishments that we've made before in our lives, to remind us that if we have done it before than we are capable, perhaps, of a comeback. I can see it in you. You are capable. I know it. Because you are where you are going...
I hear a lot of people waiting. Waiting for other people to start, and then joining in efforts to change. Waiting for opportunities to join in once things have already begun to roll.
The truth is that change needs to begin with us. Change can begin with you, can be seen by others in you and be magnified. So don't wait another second. Don't wait for a cause to take action. Begin today. Awaken yourself. Eliminate the dark and negative in yourself. Begin your own self-transformation. If I did that, and if you did that, and if all of us did that... imagine the difference it would make. All of us working on awakening ourselves and eliminating our darkness. Imagine how much more light we could make.
I've been staring at this quote for a while with nothing in mind to type. I just like it. I like it because I've been trying to do this more.
For much too long, I've gotten caught up in the "why" of things, or more honestly... in the "why not". Why we can't do something, why we shouldn't do that. Why we need to do this instead or plan more and do something later. I want to be more spontaneous with my life. I want to LIVE more.
I want to do more things because I want to... and who cares about the "why". Because I said so, if you really need a reason. I want to do things because they make me smile. I want to make other people that mean a lot to me to feel special. And I want to do fun things. I don't want to look back and regret the time I didn't spend nurturing relationships, having fun, and spreading my love to those who are deserving of it. I want to live out loud, and I invite you to do the same.
Last week I was given some pretty difficult news as a therapist. A client I had worked with for an extended period of time a while back passed away, and I couldn't help reflect on our work together and wonder if I had done everything I could do to help him. Deep down, I knew that I gave it my all, but there was that brief moment of "what if" that plagued me for a bit. One of the interesting things about working for the hospital is that I never had an opportunity to see things through with clients I worked with... I put a band-aid on their psychological gunshot wound, and sent them on their way, hoping that they followed up their their aftercare plan for therapy and medication management. One of the things that I love about private practice is that I AM the aftercare plan. I am the follow-up, and have the opportunity to see the plan through. The night after hearing the horrible news of my previous client's passing, I found this quote on Pinterest. And if I'm honest, I had myself a good cry. A cry for the therapist in me who always strives to leave people better than I find them. A cry for the individual that I am who struggles with realizing that I can't change things beyond my control. I remember when I first became a therapist and a client had to be hospitalized. I cried and cried about it. My supervisor at the time told me that everyone has client "firsts"... and that each first is a career lesson that will make me a better therapist. That first taught me the importance of setting boundaries in therapy. I guess that this first taught me something too... to leave clients better then I find them.
"I'm always sad." "Are there certain thoughts associated with the sadness?" "No, the sadness is under the thoughts. It's like when you're on a camping trip, and it's really cold, and you put on extra socks, and an extra sweater, but you still can't get warm, because the coldness is in your bones." "Do you hope to get away from it?" "Not anymore. I just hope to come to peace with it." (source, Humans of New York) Many times when I am working with clients, they tell me that they want their depression to go away. "I should be over this"... "I don't understand why I still feel this way"... "Tell me what I need to do to get rid of this". As much as I want to offer a wave of my magic wand and have their depression disappear, I think that we sometimes have unrealistic expectations of feelings. As if they can really go away and not come back. In many ways, I think the reality is that we need to come to a point of acceptance before anything really has the possibility of changing for us. We need to accept our depression/anxiety/heartache/etc as it is before it can be reduced. Not that it wouldn't be great for these feelings and thoughts to go away, but quite often they don't vanish from our lives forever. What happens is that we find peace in our reality, and learn a different way of thinking. A few months ago, I was going through something really challenging. I didn't want to accept that my life was in a tailspin, so I ignored it and complained about it... and it didn't go away. It was like that "white elephant in the room". But then, after a really honest conversation with someone close to me, I realized that I had to accept that my life wasn't the way I wanted it to be, but that the only way I could make it different was to start where I was. Not go back. Not look forward. But to start right there. That's coming to peace... and ultimately, that was when change occurred for me. I can look back and without a doubt, it was when I said it out loud to someone else (when I admitted struggle) and had an opportunity to reflect that the picture became clear and not fuzzy anymore. Since that moment, I have clarity and have worked diligently on being different. Finding peace about our current situation doesn't mean that we don't want things to be different... finding peace means that we don't hate ourselves for where we are right now. When we already hurting, isn't it important to accept ourselves, instead of beating ourselves up?
This morning I found THIS article from the Washington Post about our views of dying from the medical perspective. It spiraled into a million and one thoughts for me... thinking about the mortality of my loved ones, and how I hope to be able to respond when the time comes for their passing. As much as I would like to think that I'll be able to be emotionally strong and selfless, I can't help but think about the alternative of wanting to hold on as long as I can.
It then got me thinking about my experiences with death, both professionally and personally, and the opportunities we have to grow and learn through each experience.
There isn't a wrong way. Whether you are present or not, whether you are sad and cry yourself into an oblivion or not, whether you hold on tight or let go immediately... no one can tell you that there is a right or wrong way to grieve. We have only to trust ourselves to what is right for us.
When I work with a client who has experienced a loss, one of the common conversations we have is whether or not they are grieving the right way. "I should be crying more." "I should be able to move on by now." The picture that we have in our minds about grieving isn't always right. We grieve how we need to grieve.
We grieve difference people in different ways. I can remember the first person I lost to death, my paternal grandmother, when I was just a pre-teen. I didn't cry a lot, and can remember feeling terrible that I didn't feel terrible. Almost three years ago, we put our dog to sleep. I cried for days. Big, huge crocodile tears.
If I compare those two grief experiences to one another, how wrong was it for me to cry for days (okay, weeks and possibly months) over my dog... yet barely cry over my grandmother? What a heartless person.
The truth is, people grieve different ways over different people, based on their relationships and life experiences. I didn't really spend a lot of time with my paternal grandmother, and our relationship was very distant. Cindylou, on the other hand, was my four-legged child who I rescued and raised for 10 years.
Grief changes you. Years ago, my mother-in-law's mother passed away. I remember tears pouring down my face at the funeral. I thought at the time it was grief for my mother-in-law, because although I had only met Mimi a few times, I felt like I knew her because my mother-in-law always spoke of her.
A week or so after the funeral, I can remember being on the phone with my grandparents and completely breaking down while talking to them. The grief experience I had was that death is real... and if someone my grandparents' age is dying, that means that they can (and will) die too. Since that time, my relationship with my grandparents has gotten more real. Real in the sense that I don't take for granted opportunities I have to talk to, or see, them. I cherish phone calls, and talk longer than I used to. I always long for that "I love you" at the end of our conversations. You are never really prepared. Even if you know that it's coming, you can never really prepare yourself for the realities of death and grieving. Sure, you can read literature on the grief process and we know that there are stages of grief, but you never know how to prepare yourself for dealing with the sound of a last breath, the feel of your loved one's hand in yours as they pass, or the phone call of news being shared.
While we know that death is a part of life, I don't think we're ever really prepared because it would mean that we are prepared to say good-bye to a part of our lives. The memories that are tied to our loved ones, while they stay present with us, aren't enough to fill that void in our hearts.
Grief never ends... but it changes. Grief is the price of love. And if the price of love is grief, then I will gladly invite grief into my life for those people I cherish so much.
In a world where we are constantly wanting more... more money, more freedom, more love, more stuff... there are at the same time people who would give anything to have what we take for granted. How about that for some perspective today?
