Back in graduate school, a book titled The Gift of Therapy was encouraged for us to read during our practicum class that gets us ready to be in the field of counseling. I don't know about my peers, but I didn't buy it. Nine years into my career, I bought the book a few days ago and find myself wishing that graduate student self would have read it. It's filled with all of these great hints and considerations that an emerging therapist might benefit from in sessions with clients, being present with them and helping them work through challenges. Hindsight is 20/20 though, and I wonder if I would carry the same appreciation that I do now, back then.
In my professional life, I'll admit that there are times when I have to bite my tongue from providing suggestions to clients that I think are best... or to not say "I told you so" when a plan didn't turn out the best. I try to be very aware of my interactions with clients, helping them to find the route that is best for them, developing plans for happiness, and being encouraging and reassuring when those plans are followed through. I know my job isn't to tell a client what they need to do, but to guide them in making decisions themselves.
In the same breath, though, I know that along the timeline of my life that other people have had those same thoughts about me.... knowing that I made choices because they made me happy, despite the feelings of others. I have made decisions that impacted my happiness immediately, but could have contributed to unhappiness down the road. I have had "Doh!" moments where I realized the errors of my ways, and times when I've been completely blind to seeing the consequences of my actions.
As a therapist, I try to pull back when it comes to decision making. There are times when I feel like a trainwreck, and times when I feel relatively put together. (My best friend will tell you that I'm my own therapist at times.) When it comes down to it, we need to do what makes us happy.... and do it.
Not talk about it excessively.
Not waver 254 times.
We need to close our eyes, say a little prayer, and jump... jump into our life, waves and all.
There are so many analogies out there for describing the importance of seeing through our stressors. In theory, we know that it's important not to avoid our problems, and instead think about the situation and consider possible solutions. But it can be a challenge not to want to react based on our immediate emotions.
Scared. Vulnerable. Weak.
We know it's important to see our situation through. To develop strategies for coping and wait out the storm. At times, it can even seem like things are getting worse before they get better... but we know that change takes time. Change takes effort. Change takes patience.
If you're feeling as though you're going through a dark tunnel, know that you're not alone. You have other people riding the train too. People who can support you and hold your hand. People who can provide words of encouragements. If you sit still, and trust the process of change, you'll soon see sunshine peeking out ahead.
Last night, I didn't have a lecture to write.
Or papers to grade. In fairness, I spent all afternoon grading them.
Or a voice to practice. Church choir practice is out for the summer.
Or a load of laundry to fold. Well.... one that couldn't stand another day of wrinkles.
Last night, I sat on the edge of my pool with my legs dangling in the water.
Last night, I laid back on the warm concrete of the pool's edge and stared into the sky... noticing satellites orbit the Earth, gazed at the Big Dipper, and picked out what I think to be another planet (since it was brighter than most stars).
I'll have to be honest and tell you that I can't remember the last time I just *was*.
That I just enjoyed the company of what was around me.
Without internet (though, admittedly, I texted with a few people here and there).
Without entertainment from Netflix or Amazon Prime.
Even without music.
There was laughter.
And story-telling.
Reminiscing about how truly wonderful life is.
My goal this summer is to have a lot more of those nights.
Of enjoying the company I choose to be around.
Of laughing until my cheeks hurt.
Of feeling good about where I am. In this moment.
Stress... bother me later. I'm right in the middle of being fantastic.
There are so many times when feeling unsure can seem debilitating. It can feel as though you're drowning, not realizing that you're only in knee-deep water and that all you need to do is stand up. I think it's because we're not comfortable being uncomfortable. We are creatures of habit... keeping the same schedule, and oftentimes, the same feelings. Even if they're not healthy for us.
So often, we try to ignore uncomfortable feelings. We distract ourselves with other tasks, or engage in negative behaviors to avoid feeling true emotions. We don't realize it during the time, but we're setting ourselves up for further destruction. I know that personally, situations never seem to be as big of a deal as how I create it in my mind to be...
I've learned to take a deep breath and unfold the layers. To look at each piece and determine how I perceive the situation. Even if I'm comfortable, I tell myself not to freak out. I remind myself that I'm used to challenges, and I will overcome the next one.
I know there are days.
Days when it's difficult to get up out of bed.
To slap a smile on your face.
To press through and make it happen.
But.
Our attitude is power.
Our attitude is our freedom.
Making a choice to be positive.
Making a decision to make the best out of a situation.
Even with disappointment.
Even with guilt.
Even with sadness.
We have a choice.
We have a choice to be alive.
Our attitude is our ticket to freedom.
To feel the sun on our face.
To hear the birds singing in the trees.
To make the best out of what's been given us.
To learn lessons and make better decisions.
We have a choice.
We all know that person... the person who complains all the time, the one who never seems to be happy, who seems to sabotage their success in life. To be honest, it can be draining to be around people continuously remind themselves of their failures and misfortunes. As a therapist, it can be a challenge to move someone through changing self-talk which can often be so ingrained into their thinking.
Sometimes, though, we're the misery person. We're the person who thinks in the gutter, the one who reminds others of our negative plot in life, the one who tells the same misfortune story over and over. We proudly wear the badge that says that we've been shafted in life.
Some people I come across say that they are sick and tired of being sick and tired... but when it comes to making changes, they don't. They say that they can't. (I think it's more of a "won't".) But, some people just aren't ready. They're not ready to take responsibility. To make an effort to do something different. To examine their own behaviors objectively. To set goals and working toward them.
In order to fix this misery thought pattern, I encourage clients to do three things: be aware of thoughts and feelings, stop making excuses, and take responsibility.
1. Awareness of thoughts and feelings. Internally, we all have a monologue of thoughts.... "I'm not pretty/smart/capable/athletic/sexy/confident enough." We also tend to compare ourselves to other people, typically those who ARE pretty/smart/capable. Oftentimes, we are completely oblivious to what we tell ourselves. When we slow down and pay attention to this mental messages, we may realize how harsh we are to ourselves. I think about it this way... would you ever speak the messages that you tell yourself to someone that you care about?
2. Stop making excuses. The truth is, we do the things that we WANT to do. If I really want to lose weight, I'll get up at 5:00 and go to the gym... if I don't, I'll continue to stay up late, make excuses for being tired in the morning, and continue talking/thinking negatively about my body. Whether it's losing weight, wanting another job, finding a new place to live, or setting boundaries with family..... if you want it bad enough, you'll find a way. You'll stop making excuses. You'll set small goals that get you closer to the prize.
3. Take responsibility. With the exception of people who are diagnosed with major depression issues, I truly think that we determine our happiness. As a therapist, I know that neurotransmitters in our brains can impact our happiness, but I also know that there are things that we do that contribute to overall feelings of happiness and misery. Natural endorphins are released when we exercise, for example. Taking responsibility means that we need to take ownership of our life... stop blaming other people for why we are the way we think/feel/act. Blaming other people takes the responsibility off of us, and we tend to remain in a victim mindset.
I know that it's a challenge to change. It can be very difficult to consciously think about the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that we engage in each day. We have to make concerted efforts to be mindful. I know that it's easy to stay stuck. To stay comfortable. To complain about the lot we've been given in life. We like people to sympathize with us... to join us in misery... because we don't like being alone. Imagine how much could change if we put that same amount of effort and energy into being happy.
This image came across my Facebook feed a few days ago, and while I loved it, I forgot to take a screenshot of it to save for eternity (admit it, I'm not the only one who never deletes a picture on their phone)! I knew it had to exist elsewhere in the Land of the Internet, so I searched "crushes" on Pinterest, my go-to website for all things.
I need to admit to you how depressing it was to look at the images and website links that came up for my Pinterest search. It had me walking down memory lane regarding unrequited love and interest for boys/men in my life over the years. Like a "This is Your Life" video montage, all of the guys I've had interest in during my teens years flashed before my mind... Michael and our 7th grade trip to Rock Eagle, Jason in 8th grade and "helping" him pass English by copying my test paper, or Justin in high school who had sparkling eyes.
It's no wonder this original image stood out to me. No matter how much time passes, our brain remembers. We store our memories with associated feelings... the butterflies, the happiness, and the heart break. So often we think we know what we want, but reality and the plans ahead are so much different. I remind myself of how wonderful it is that reality is different. That things usually turn out much better than the picture I have in my mind.
Diane Stark, the mom who contributed this story in the article, reminds her daughter of seeing into a crush more than just good looks and a nice smile. Perhaps we all need to consider this, not only for crushes but also for our friends... even ourselves.
