Happiness versus contentment.

I wonder if people have unrealistic understandings of what happiness is. Whether happiness is something that we strive for, and once obtained, will stay with us forever. I tend to think that happiness, just like any other emotion, is something that we experience, and fades away. Sure, there are experiences that we engage in that encourages happiness to be created in our lives... but just like anxiety, sadness, and anger, happiness is a fleeting emotion.

There are a lot of people that I encounter who desire happiness. Who say that they're unhappy, and looking for ways to either fill that void in their minds and hearts, or to look for ways to arrange an increase of happiness in their lives. One of the best questions to ask is what happiness looks like to them. Is it making a lot of money? Is it being surrounded by family and friends? Does happiness mean having people like you? Some people can't form into words what it means to them... they just know that it's missing from their lives.

Something I'd like to submit isn't the search for happiness, but the search for contentment. Contentment with being an individual. Contentment in the workplace and at home. Contentment with relationships. To me, happiness comes and goes... but contentment is more stable. Despite challenges that present themselves in our lives that may reduce the happiness that we experience, can we still be content with the lives we have?

Contentment isn't having a lot of money, but it might be making ends meet with a little left over.
Contentment isn't being surrounded by family and friends, but being able to count on others when needed.
Contentment isn't having people like you, but accepting yourself.

Rest.

When is the last time that you rested? Truly rested. No alarm clocks... no time schedule. Just you, your mind, and rest. I know it's easy to tell ourselves that we have no time. We have obligations and responsibilities that are demanding of us. But I think it's important to consider that if we deny ourselves of rest, we won't be able to do of our obligations for long.

We'll burn out.
We'll get fatigued.
We'll lose interest.
We'll get irritable.

Every once in a while, it's important to pull back and rest. To refresh ourselves. Perhaps even in this rest we will remind ourselves of why our obligations and responsibilities are important to us. To get a renewed perspective. Whether it's a long weekend away in the woods, a morning walk to the beach, or a lazy day in bed with comfy covers... take time to rest and recharge.

You'll be better for it, and others will appreciate you more too.

Wordless Wednesday :: Inspired.

Need some inspiration?
I came across this visual, and identified a few things that I need to practice as well.
May we all feel inspired today...

Stop rushing.

If you think about it, we're all 2-year olds when it comes to change. We want it now. We don't want to wait for our thought process to alter, for our bodies to get strong, for our emotions to resolve themselves IN THEIR OWN TIMING.

We want it now.

The next time you're wanting something to rush, remind yourself that you're in a process of growth. And that it's going to take time. 

Keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Keep being honest.
Keep going to meetings.
Keep sharing.
Keep gaining insight.
Keep trying.

When the timing is right, it's going to happen.

Actually, it's happening now...

Save yourself.

Every time I fly, I am reminded of the importance of saving myself.

You know that little ditty the airline hostesses say... the one where you problem tune them out. Something about buckling your seat belt and emergency exits. Embedded in that little ditty is the most important lesson of your life.

Save yourself first.

If air pressure changes in the airplane cabin, the little air bags fall from the cabin ceiling. We're instructed to place our own masks on first (even parents) before assisting other people (even little kids).

Save yourself first.

This lesson applies in an airplane, and in life. Save yourself. No one else can solve your problems for you. Sure, other people can help. But no one can do the job except for you. The biggest lesson, but the largest blessing... to know that I am in control of my life. Even when it's a challenge to put one foot in front of the other, I am the person who is in charge of moving forward.

I believe in you.

Growing up, I remember knowing more adults than children. Perhaps it was because I have a magnet personality (haha!) or because I would spend summers with my grandparents and all of their friends, or time during the weekends with my mom's friends instead of kids my age. As long as I can remember, I've always felt comfortable around adults that are older than me. Being around these adults, I can recall being enveloped by positive encouragement. Whether it came to school, extracurricular activities, or creative endeavors, I've always had a small voice in the back of my mind that I can do it... and the voices are of the adults of my youth. Perhaps it's no surprise that "Word of Affirmation" is my love language, and I not only give it to others, but respond positively when others provide affirmation to me.

The other day, I found a webpage on the internet that shared 64 positive things to say to your children. Now, I don't have kids (does my dog count?) but I have been around children a lot in the capacity of babysitting, working at a summer youth program, and through church activities. Sometimes, it's difficult to find words of praise when it's so easy to focus on the things that they don't do correctly (i.e. leave wet towels on the bathroom floor, ask "why" 5392 times a day, or forget their inside voices). Because I am a Words of Affirmation person, though, I am acutely aware of the impact that finding SOMETHING positive to say to children. Think of how good it feels to have a co-worker or boss provide encouragement to you... now consider spreading that same feel-good experience to the children in your life.

So this list of 64 things is pretty long. Good, but long. In an effort to save some reading time, here are my top selections. I'd imagine that we'd all like to hear a few of things sprinkled in our day...

1. You make me smile.

2. I have faith in you.

3. You are capable.

4. You are more than your emotions.

5. You can learn from your mistakes.

6. You make a difference in my life.

7. I believe in you.

8. I'm glad that you're here.

9. I am proud of you.

10. I love you.

Won't you consider sharing some of these with a child that you know? Even your spouse or to the person you see in the mirror. :)

Every person.

I've been trying to be more intentional lately... being mindful of my choices, show appreciation to others, and allowing myself to be more present. I'm trying not to overwhelm myself with thoughts... to take a break, to let things go, to remind myself that it's okay to make mistakes. I'm trying to allow myself to embrace others, and learn from each person I encounter.

I remember when I was in my practicum (internship) for graduate school, my supervisor told me that I would experience a range of therapists... their techniques... and gradually find my own way of doing things as I interacted with clients. Truth be told, some of them did things I didn't think were right. But I learned that while some therapists gave me direction on where I wanted to be headed, some others showed me where I didn't want to go. I appreciated both.

This quote -- or thought, rather -- about falling in love with everyone we meet has some merit. Maybe not IN LOVE like we think about at first, but I would agree that there are things about people that we see and find that we love. That we appreciate. That we empathize with. That we wish we knew more about. That we try to integrate into ourselves.

Creativity.
Balance of work and family.
Ever-present smile.
Self-love.
Sense of adventure.
Desire to learn.
Dedication.
Wisdom.
Courage.
Emotional strength.
Love for others.

Everyone we come across in our lives provides a lesson. An opportunity. And it's up to us to learn from them.

I have more than enough.

If you have food in your refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof over your head, and a place to sleep... you are richer than 75% of the world.

If you have money in the bank, your wallet, and some spare change... you are among the top 8% of the world's wealthy.

If you woke up this morning with more health than illness... you are more blessed than the million people who will not survive this week.

If you have never experienced the danger of battle, the agony of imprisonment or torture, or the horrible pangs of starvation... you are luckier than 500 million people who are alive and suffering.

If you can read this message... you are more fortunate than the 3 billion people in the world who cannot read at all.

I'll wash the dishes in the sink.
I'll cope with the traffic.
I'll handle my bills.
I'll cherish stress at my job.
I'll appreciate my annoying husband.
I'll overlook the frustration of family members.

I have more than I know what to do with in my life.
I am blessed.

And so are you.

It's alright.

I get this.
I get the thinking. The worrying. The consuming nature of thoughts.

It doesn't serve any purpose.
Over-thinking drains you.
Creates a whirlwind of what-if's.
Often creates a false sense of reality even before a situation occurs.

When you find yourself feeling consumed, allow yourself a break to pull back and relax. Engage is self-talk that reminds you that you're okay, and that you'll get through this. So many times, we rush through life. We rush in making decisions for eating meals, what we'll do this weekend, where we'll go on vacation. Then, we rush during meals, breeze through our weekends, and feel like we need a vacation from our vacation.

It's alright.
It's alright not to know what to do.
Stop stressing about needing to know the answers NOW.
They will come.

In their own time, and often when we least expect them.

The same.

I've never considered this perspective before.

I think, and talk, about change all the time... encouraging people to consider the benefits and costs of change, of taking risks, of believing in themselves. I've asked people to think about where they'd like to be in 10 years, sure, but have never thought about this perspective. I, for one, know that I don't want my life to be the same.

Not that life is bad. I would consider myself a relatively happy person. I enjoy my relationships, my job, and my life circumstance. But I know this isn't it. This isn't all that life can offer me. I want more. I want to travel. I want to learn. I want to develop deeper relationships with the people I care about. I want to develop new relationships with others. I want to be stretched and grow. Into a better person. Into a better friend. Into a better wife. Into a better therapist.

So why, the question remains, are we (am I) afraid of change?

If I look back on just even the past year, I can identify so many changes that have happened in my life. So I know that change is good. I know that change is possible... if I set my mind to it, if I am willing to take a chance at things going wrong, and if I am willing. But it doesn't mean that I'm okay with the unknown.

I wonder if we take a look at how things were, for ourselves, 10 years ago. Shifting in the opposite direction. Consider everything in your life that has changed in 10 years.

Wow. A lot.

A marriage.
Graduate school.
A career.
Promotions.
Loss.
Houses.
Dogs.
Financial improvement.
Confidence.
Love.
Independence.

If these things can happen, imagine what can be possible in another 10 years.

When you're feeling stuck. When you're not sure if you can move forward anymore. Remind yourself of how far you've come in the past 10 years. Surely, you've done something right. Remind yourself of 5 things you've done well... and allow those things to serve as motivation for the next 5 things you hope to accomplish.

You can do it.

Holding back.

Zookeepers typically strap a thin metal chain to a grown elephant's leg, and then attach the other end of a small wooden peg that's hammered into the ground. The 10-foot tall, 10,000-pound elephant could easily snap the chain and uproot the wooden peg, and escape to freedom with minimal effort. But it doesn't. In fact, the elephant never even tries. It's amazing to consider that the world's most powerful land animal, which can uproot a tree as easily as you can break a toothpick, remains defeated by a wooden peg and a small chain.

You see, when the elephant was a baby, its trainers used the exact same methods to domesticate it. A thin chain was strapped around its leg, and the other end was tied to a wooden peg. At the time, the chain and peg were strong enough to restrain the baby elephant. When it tried to break away, the chain would pull it back. Sometimes, tempted by the world it could see in the distance, the elephant would pull harder... but the chain wouldn't budge and the baby soon realized that escape wasn't possible.

Eventually, it stopped trying.

Now, the grown elephant see the chain and remembers what it learned as a baby... the chain and peg are impossible to escape. Sure, it's no longer true, but it doesn't matter to the elephant's mind. The elephant's self-limiting beliefs hold true over time.

If you think about it, we're all like the elephants. We have an incredible power within us, but we also have our own chains and pegs. Things that hold us back from greatness. Self-limiting beliefs that prevent us from being who we are capable of being. Maybe it's an experience from childhood... a failure in relationships... or words repeated to you over and over during adolescence.

We need to learn from our past, but we also need to be wise to updating the truth. Understanding that circumstances in our lives have changed, and are changing. We need to be wise to acknowledging that we have a power within ourselves to do great things, despite our pasts from which we came. That we can rise above and learn.

Rise up and be better. 

The best medicine.

I got an e-mail from a friend tonight.
I've read it no less than five times.
I literally laughed out loud each time.
Perhaps snorted.
It is worth it.

There is nothing better than a good laugh.
Especially when it makes your side hurt.

I hope you find a reason to laugh today!

Secrets.

My new favorite song is titled Secrets by Mary Lambert. I invite you to watch and/or follow along with the lyrics below. A great song. I'll be back...

I've got bi-polar disorder
My shit's not in order
I'm overweight
I'm always late
I've got too many things to say
I rock mom jeans, cat earrings
Extrapolate my feelings
My family is dysfunctional
But we have a good time killing each other

They tell us from the time we're young
To hide the things that we don't like about ourselves
Inside ourselves
I know I'm not the only one
Who spent so long attempting to be someone else
Well I'm over it

I don't care if the world knows what my secrets are (secrets are)
I don't care if the world knows what my secrets are (secrets are)So-o-o-o-o what
So what, So what, So what

I can't think straight, I'm so gay
Sometimes I cry a whole day
I care a lot, use an analog clock
And never know when to stop
And I'm passive, aggressive
I'm scared of the dark and the dentist
I love my butt and won't shut up
And I never really grew up

They tell us from the time we're young
To hide the things that we don't like about ourselves
Inside ourselves
I know I'm not the only one
Who spent so long attempting to be someone else
Well I'm over it

I don't care if the world knows what my secrets are (secrets are)
I don't care if the world knows what my secrets are (secrets are)
So what, So what, So what, So what

I don't care if the world knows what my secrets are (secrets are)
I don't care if the world knows what my secrets are (secrets are)
So what, So what, So what, So what

(I don't care if the world knows what my secrets are)
So what, So what, So what, So what

-----------------------------

If we were to be honest with ourselves and other people -- revealing our secrets -- what would they be? Would the release of your secrets be freeing, or frightening?

I'm almost always late.
I check Facebook more often than I like.
I live in flipflops.
I can sing all major Disney movie songs.
I sometimes wish I was still a waitress.
I have a pile of laundry on my sofa at home.
I am a procrastinator.

Holding on.

If I don't do it, who will?
It's just easier if I take care of it.
But I feel miserable every day.
I can't keep doing this to myself.
I know I deserve better.

I know these thoughts.
I've had these thoughts.
I know there is a brighter side on the horizon.

Six months ago, I took the biggest risk. I quit my job... my comfortable, steady paycheck job... and stepped into the unknown. The unknown of self-employment. The unknown of needing to generate my own clients. The unknown of being unsure how reimbursement really went.

And the biggest risk has turned into the coolest adventure of my life.

Less stress.
More control.
Less drama.
More flexibility.
Less of what I don't need.
More of what I want.
Less complaining.
More smiles.
Less negativity.

Whether it's a relationship or a job or a family dispute... you know when you've had enough toxicity in your life. But sometimes we get caught up in it all and it becomes part of us. It is so important to remember that we're more than that. We're more than our stress. And what truly, we have a choice whether or not to participate in it. We have a choice to be free.

That's what happens when you stop holding on.
When you realize that the time has come to let go.
When you trust the process that life has for you.
When you're ready to feel at peace.

Focus on the joy.

I have two friends who I talk to on a regular basis when I am going through challenges. One friend means well, she really does, but I know that when I talk to her I have free reign at complaining. Of encouraging her to join my bandwagon of negativity. My other friend allows me to talk to her about my challenges, but I know that when I bring something to her, she is going to help me solve my problem. She encourages me to consider my options and find ways to overcome those challenges.

I'll admit that sometimes I choose the first kind of friend... and I'll continue to admit that I never feel better after our conversations. Sure, it's nice to have someone agree with me. The service at lunch WAS terrible, and that co-worker IS incredibly annoying. But it doesn't get me anywhere after when our talk is over. I'm no worse, perhaps, no certainly not better.

I think what I cherish so much about my conversations with my second friend is that she helps me break my habit of negativity. She asks me questions about why I feel a certain way about the challenge I'm facing, encourages me to step back and look at the bigger picture, and find a way to stop talking about the problem.

Sometimes, we want to vent. And it's certainly healthy to talk about our problems instead of keeping thoughts and feelings inside. But I've discovered that talking about our problems over and over without purpose tends to encourage our negative thoughts to fester and grow into bigger issues than they really are. If we were to, instead, share our thoughts and reach for solutions, we would have more time to focus on the positives of our lives too.

In the grand scheme of things, is the fact that I had bad service at lunch important enough to ruin my day... or should I be thankful to have had an opportunity to go to lunch with a friend and break away from the stress of life for an hour?

Address problems, but also focus on the joys.

Serenity.

I'm the first to admit that I like control. I like knowing what is going to happen. And despite loving the thrill of being spontaneous and enjoying surprises, I like being able to plan.

Too bad life doesn't see things the way I do.

The Serenity Prayer is the cornerstone to all of my therapy. It is the most powerful tool, in my opinion, to assist clients in their growth process. To help them see things with a different perspective. To understand the limits of our control. When I was still working at the hospital, talking about the Serenity Prayer was my favorite group. Of. All. Time. Writing it up on my dry erase board... dissecting the words of the prayer to gain better understanding... engaging in discussion on whether people can apply these words with/without religious beliefs... encouraging clients to differentiate the vast amount of things in their life that they might need to accept versus what they can change.

What the Serenity Prayer tells me is this...

1. I can't do everything on my own.
2. I need to be okay with (not like or understand or embrace) the things that I have no control over.
3. I don't have control over a LOT of things. In fact, everything outside of me is an uncontrollable.
4. I need to be aware of things I can control.
5. The only things I can control are my thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.
6. I don't need to waste my time on anything else.

Sure, we'll need coping skills... because even though you can't control my husband, it doesn't mean you don't have to deal with him every day. Even though you can't stand my boss or annoying coworkers, it doesn't mean you don't have to find a way to be around them. Even though you have financial problems, it doesn't mean you don't have to be responsible. Even though some really bad things have happened to you in the past, doesn't mean that is a free ticket for not making healthy choices for yourself now.

The Serenity Prayer, for me, is a reflection on personal responsibility. Gaining awareness into what I do have control over. And, as a control freak, it helps me to know that even in a world where I might sometimes feel incredible small.... I have control over my thoughts. My feelings. And my behaviors. And sometimes, that's enough for me.

Love yourself.

I get it.

You don't like the way you look... so you eat a bag of Oreos.

You hate that it takes you 15 minutes to walk a mile... so you stop walking.

You don't like the mistakes you've made... so you talk down to yourself.

You don't like the things that have happened to you over the years... so you punish yourself.

I get it.

I get that when you don't like being YOU, the last thing you do is take care of yourself.

But.

The only way. The only way to like yourself... to love yourself... is to treat yourself as if you already do.

Eat healthy because you want to become that way.

Exercise because you know it's important for a healthy body.

Engage in positive self-talk and challenge negative thinking because you deserve good messages.

Set boundaries with others and be assertive because you are worth standing up for yourself.

It's so oxymoronic to think that if we don't like something about ourselves, we are so much more apt to think and do negative things to our bodies... as if punishment will dramatically change the way we think, feel, and behave. In truth, punishment just leads us to dislike ourselves even more. If we take a deep breath, however, and if we pull back for a moment and think about what it takes to love and do those things to ourselves, we can open the door to so many good things.

All it takes is one moment of good. Slowly, but surely, something changes... you notice progress... and the sky is the limit for improvements to be made!

Gaining insight.

One of the therapeutic activities I used to do with clients at my job in the hospital was something called Gaining Insight, which used cards with a variety of different topics on them and group members had to rate themselves on how well they carried out the particular phrase. Examples might include "saying no", "sustaining motivation", or "being goal-oriented". Group members were asked to rate themselves on a scale from 1-10 (my favorite) and then I'd ask them to process what contributed to their rating or prevented it from being a different number. The purpose, of course, was to evaluate and gain an awareness of how well they handled particular situations or carried out certain attributes.

Problem solving, I think, is something that a lot of people struggle with.... identifying the problem, deciding how to change, and then developing a plan of action to implement the change. I wonder if we get so caught up in the desire to change (and oftentimes want it immediately) that when it comes to actually doing the change, we get overwhelmed. Become frustrated. Want to give up.

I submit that when we get overwhelmed at a change, it becomes harder for us because we are consumed by it. We are consumed by wanting things to be different, now. We are consumed by seeing the way things are for other people. We see how far we have to go in our journey, and often forget how far we've come.

To me, the trick isn't following the rules... the trick is being able to have enough insight to recognize our feelings of being overwhelmed. To pull back and try to look at the big picture. To be aware of our thoughts and consume us. To see how our behaviors are helping (or hurting) us in reaching our goals.

Problem solving isn't that difficult when it comes down to it. We just tend to complicate things by getting too involved.

Take a deep breath.
Pull back.
Evaluate.
Move forward.

Like a Princess.

Critiques about the clothes you wear.
Isolation from friends and family.
Following you to the store, just to make sure.
Punishing you for talking on the phone after he's come home.
Hitting you for not loading the dishwasher correctly.
Making you second guess your decisions day in and out.

When did he stop treating you like a princess?

Artist Saint Hoax (a pseudonymous artist) created a series of posters using Disney Princesses as an awareness campaign for domestic violence. The purpose, Hoax said, was to depict princesses as abuse victims to reach a younger audience and encourage communication about a topic that is so often tiptoed around.

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, and while so often people discuss the impact of physical violence of a survivor, I think that they might miss the most common form of domestic violence... emotional abuse... which often leaves deeper wounds than its physical counterpart. Seeing clients in therapy who are survivors of emotional abuse through verbal insults, manipulation, and control seem to have the biggest struggle in changing their thought patterns from being trained to think that they are the cause of their abuser's behavior, to understanding that they had no control over the situation in regard to changing behavior. "If I would have just kept quiet".... "If only I wouldn't have rushed dinner"... "If I could have made the kids love him more"...

Domestic Violence Awareness Month is to bring light a very difficult subject. A subject that people are often afraid to bring up with others. We don't want to offend. We don't want to embarrass. But perhaps asking questions, or just providing an ear to listen, could be the opportunity an abuse survivor needs. Just a crack of hope, a crack that can open the gates to freedom.

If you or someone you know is in a domestic abuse situation and you need help, here are some resources for assistance:

Joyful Heart Foundation
National Online Resource Center on Violence Against Women
The National Domestic Violence Hotline