Thankful.

Today I'm thankful.
Thankful for good times.
Thankful for good memories.
Thankful for bad times.
Thankful for good lessons.



Today I am thankful that everything doesn't go as planned. That I don't always get my way. That, despite tears and hurtful feelings, that I have opportunities to mend situations. I'm thankful for lessons that afford me an opportunity to grow as an individual... opportunities to utilize coping skills and that when the time is right, that things get better.

I'm thankful for laughter.
I'm thankful for relationships with others.
I'm thankful for love.
I'm thankful for family and friends.
I'm thankful for my job.

Today I am thankful.
I hope that you are too.

Your voice.

I needed this today.
A reminder to be aware of myself more.
A reminder of the purpose of my voice, my ears, my hands, my mind.
A reminder of the purpose of my heart.
Which is to love.

Raising daughters.

I love reading blogs of other people. I have a list of about 6-8 I read on a regular basis. Some I check out everyday, and others I get marathon dose of every week or so. I think what I enjoy so much is reading about people and their lives... whether its personal sharing, providing tips and tricks for maintaining home life, sharing artistic material... I feel like by reading their words it's like a personal conversation I'm having with them about life. Well, at least the good blogs make me feel that way. :)

I read a blog recently that linked THIS  blog post from the Good Men Project, a website dedicated to open conversation about what it's like to be a man in the 21st century... the good, the bad, and the ugly. It's actually a really interesting website, and I was surprised to find myself lingering around for more than just this one blog post.

At any rate, I love this post. A list of 25 rules for dads who are raising daughters. I guess it pulled me in for a number of reasons. Perhaps I wish my own father would have read this way back when. Perhaps it's for the dads (okay, one dad) who may be reading this blog. Perhaps it's for the moms who read this and who can pass it along to their partners. Perhaps it's for me, and to understand that even though my childhood wasn't typical, my mom taught me these same things...

My favorites are below. I hope you'll take time to read the entire list using the link above.

1. Tell her she’s pretty, but tell her other good things about herself more. It’s not that telling a girl she’s pretty is bad. It’s not. The point is that it shouldn’t be the only kind of compliment she gets, so she doesn’t feel that only her appearance matters. Compliment her intelligence, her resourcefulness, her imagination, her hard work, and her strength. Don’t pretend that her looks will never matter, but teach her not to judge herself or let herself be judged only on looks.

2. Teach her that handymen don’t have to be men. Checklist of things to teach her: routine car maintenance, how to stop a toilet from overflowing, how to set a mousetrap, how to use the fuse box, how to turn off the water main. There’s nothing wrong with needing help to get things done, but self-reliance and confidence are handy if you need to change a tire, fix a toilet, or even squish a bug without needing a rescuer to do it for you.

3. Teach her honesty and integrity in relationships by demonstrating them in yours. “Honesty and integrity in relationships” doesn’t mean blind devotion. It means living a life consistent with the values you hold dear, and helping the people you love to live consistent with theirs. Live the integrity you hope she’ll choose for herself. 

4. Teach her about male sexuality without fear-mongering. It’s tempting to tell her that boys are bad, that sex is evil and that guys only want one thing… But we know from the last 50 years of Sex Education that this tactic simply doesn’t work, and it damages both boys and girls in the process. Girls learn to fear boys and see them as one-dimensional, or they learn that their parents have been lying all along. Teach her that respect is key, and both boys and girls deserve it and are able to give it.

5. Look her in the eyes and have a real conversation at least once every single day that you’re together. Even if it’s just about My Little Pony or Justin Bieber.

So what?

Not meant to be rude.
Not meant to be harsh.
Not meant to be unsupportive.

Meant to be real.

In our world of coddling and spoon feeding, it can be easy to expect the world to stop when something bad happens to us. But you know what?

It keeps going.

And we do too. We keep being alive, and it's up to us on what to do with our lives. Are we going to fall into a cesspool of our own negativity? Are we going to cry ourselves into an oblivion for three months? Are we going to drown in our doubts?

Or are we going to start over...

Start fresh.
Make goals.
Network with others.
Find a way around our sorrow.

So many times when we are plagued with defeat, it's from our own thinking. Sure, you might have failed a test. And had your heart broken. But these experienced happened, and we need to acknowledge them and move forward. They don't define your truth. They are merely a page in your manuscript of life. But if you never turn the page from where you are struggling, you'll never realize that you have blank pages yet to fill.

You have amazingness to live.
You have love to share with others.
You have talent to give to a new job.

Even if you don't feel it, it's there. Small, but there. Give yourself patience, and love, and support... and it will grow. Grow into a overwhelming sense of power that you can overcome your struggles.

Just as you always have before.

You are a survivor.

Just be.

In case you need a reminder today... or tomorrow... or on that day when you feel like a push-me-pull-you.

It's okay just to be.

Not losing yourself in responsibilities or obligations.
Not being rushed from one place to another.
Not feeling as though you are in a whirlwind of activity.
Not wondering which side is up.

I hope you find time to "just be" really soon.

Things that are likely to annoy you...

Do you remember this amazing show? The $25,000 Pyramid. I remember watching reruns, and shouting out my answers to the television screen. I remember getting so excited for the winners... and so bummed out for the people who were thisclose to winning, only to get stuck on thinking of clues to give for "What a girdle might say".

For some reason, the $25,000 Pyramid came to mind this morning when I was considering the things in life that annoy me. Small things. Big things. Honestly, things that shouldn't even matter to me... but do. No doubt that I would be able to rattle off a laundry list if given an opportunity to give clues for "Things that are likely to annoy you".

I read a blog recently that talked about how annoying things in life are like splinters to your brain... they don't really stop us from functioning, but they're really bothersome.

Going to the grocery store after work, and realizing there are only two lanes open.
The co-worker next to you who talks loud enough to be heard over a jet engine.
Drying your hair in the morning, only to have it start raining as soon as you get to work.

I'm sure there are better examples that I can give, but these "splinters" in life are annoying. The best thing for me to do is try to pull back and evaluate. I tell my clients to think about the bigger picture... is it worth it for me to get worked up about this, or do I need to just move on? While I'm in the extremely long grocery line, it could afford me time to catch up on my e-mail. Or organize my shopping cart to make bagging easier (okay, yes, that's another annoyance of mine... canned goods and fresh bread don't belong in the same bag). Or maybe, this is an opportunity to practice my patience. To remind myself that the world doesn't revolve around me.

Sometimes, the things that annoy me are trivial.
Sometimes, they hit my core because it's something I need to work on in myself.

Either way, I need to use it as an opportunity to grow.

Did I?

Sometimes I lay awake at night and think about the day I just experienced. Other times I also think about the week before... or things that happened ten years ago. I wish I could apply the recovery slogan "one day a time" and remind myself to focus only on 24 hours.

But I think something is wrong with my thinking. There's always something swirling. At times, my thinking can be very productive. There are also occasions where my thinking prevents me from enjoying the moment I'm in and experiencing all that I can.

I like this suggestion, and plan to apply it tonight.

Did I love enough?
Did I laugh enough?
Did I make a difference?

Focus on those three questions, and let the rest go.

Better than yesterday.

I tried to collect my thoughts yesterday about Veteran's Day... apparently I needed an extra day to consider everything.

Since beginning my career, I've had an incredible honor of working very closely with the military. Mostly, it's been serving clients who are in need of assist developing coping skills to deal with, and move through, challenges that present themselves as a result of their duty -- whether it be anxiety, family stress, depression, or issues related to trauma. I'll be honest and say that the military population is one of my favorites.

Mostly because they're incredibly resilient.

Despite their struggle.
Despite their frustrations.
Despite the desire to give up.

They keep going.

And I am humbled to have the opportunity to assist in that change process. It isn't always easy, and the road is much longer than trips to my office on a regular basis. But change, no matter how small, is change. Every day, striving to be better than you were the day before.

I wish we honored veterans more often. They deserve it. Perhaps this was my way of extending the moment... needing an extra day to collect my thoughts on the powerful sacrifice of men and women in our military.

Keep calm.

Last week I shared my thoughts on maintaining your sanity during the holiday season. I'd like to offer a few ideas on how you can cope with the holidays and deal with your thoughts and feelings about the season in a healthy way. If you feel guilty for saying no to someone, consider ways in which the time you do have can be used for useful tasks. If you are missing a loved one this holiday season, donate something in their memory to an organization of your choice (i.e. a sweater that your father would have loved to a local nursing home).

Here are some other things that might help…

  

- Escape yourself. Help others by adopting a family, filling an Operation Christmas Child shoe box, or visit a shut-in from your church congregation. Getting out of your own head for a while will be good for you.

- Stop the unhealthy thoughts. Find healthy distractions when you are ruminating on negative things. Read a good book, watch a Hallmark movie, work on a puzzle, or write a letter to a friend.

- Enjoy traditions. Even if things have changed over the years, consider ways that you can hold true to the traditions you find meaningful in your life. Or, create new traditions for you and your family.

- Stay in community. Stay involved with others instead of isolating to yourself. Dealing with the holidays can generate feelings of depression and feelings of anxiety. Despite the urge to pull away, encouraging yourself to stay involved with others will be helpful in reducing your negative thoughts and feelings.

- Ask for what you need. Since mind reading is an impossible art, your friends and family aren’t going to know how you feel or attend to your needs if you don’t clearly communicate with them. If you are overwhelmed with the thought of hosting Christmas dinner, ask a family member to help cook food to lighten your load. If you know that you’ll be asked 496 times about why you haven’t found a good man to marry, consider wearing a shirt that says “Single and Lovin' It” (I’m only kidding… sort of).

The key to the holiday season, for me, is to maintain my positive thoughts. When I get worked up in trying to find the perfect gift... trying to find the perfect outfit to wear at the Christmas party... trying to make the perfect dessert for Thanksgiving... I lose sight of what the holidays are about. The holidays aren't about STUFF. The holidays are about people. Nurturing relationships, communing together, and laughing until our bellies hurt. In order to keep that spirit alive, I need to be mindful of ways to avoid stress, to keep calm, and to enjoy the season to its fullest.

Reach for it.

I have a friend.
He's a dad.
It's one of my favorite things about him.
Seeing him interact with his children.
The way his face lights up.
The way they laugh just like him.
Seeing his eyes roll when they talk about dating.
Hearing stories about their adventures together.
Helping them find their way in life.

When I say Joyce Maynard's quote above, I thought of my friend. I thought of parenting the RIGHT way. The way that doesn't include setting unrealistic expectations, criticizing as a way of changing behaviors, or engaging in a "do as I say, not as I do" manner... but instead the way that encourages personal growth, showing respect, and providing unyielding love.

Being a good parent means being a good person.
Leading by example.
And showing your children how to reach for the sun.

Great expectations.

In England, the word “holiday” means a vacation. Most Americans would laugh to consider the same word and its meaning. A holiday is something of rest and relaxation… hardly what is involved in an American holiday season.

While a lot of people think about the holidays as being a time for happiness and festivities, family time and food, others take the season to bring to surface feelings of anxiety, sadness, and frustration. Worries over being able to afford presents for your family members. Sadness over memories of loved ones who have passed. Frustration over being void of that “feel good” feeling that everyone else seems to have this time of year. Even good stress can be overwhelming. The looming anxiety related to decorating your house and having everything “just so”. The anticipation of inviting family over for a Thanksgiving meal and preparing enough food.

When working with clients, I encourage them to consider the ways in which stress affects them. Their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors associated with stress. Do they tend to shy away or isolate from others during this time of the year? Do they become more irritable and on edge when having to divide their time so much between work parties, present shopping, and carpooling the kids for caroling? Paying attention to our bodies can give us clues to the ways in which our bodies respond to stress, and can indicate warning signs that we’re taking on too much. 

One of the major contributors to stress for me is expectations… the preparation or anticipation of the holidays. We tend to over-complicate holidays which often puts unwanted pressure on ourselves and others. We think of how the holidays SHOULD be… and we’re in pursuit of the perfect holiday. Perfect presents (both given and received), perfect parties, and perfect presentations. Instead of spinning out of control this year, consider these three questions for adjusting expectations and finding balance in your holiday. 

-  Do I have to? Most likely, the answer is no. You don’t need to go to Uncle Bob’s house at Thanksgiving… you don’t need to buy the newest and greatest – and most expensive – toy for your children… you don’t need to buy a gift for all of your neighbors. 
-  Why am I doing this if it’s making me miserable? A lot of people fulfill obligations of others and find themselves denying their own feelings. Just because you’ve “always done things this way” doesn’t mean that you can’t change a tradition or create a new one for yourself.
 -  What would help me enjoy the holidays more? Thinking about what would help you enjoy the holidays more might assist you in zoning in on the areas that need work the most. Even if you want to spend some time with your family doesn’t mean you need to stay for an entire week… a long weekend will do. Instead of buying each person in your family a gift, consider a gift exchange. 

The holidays are not meant to be stressful. They're meant to be meaningful. They are meant to be celebrated. By adjusting our expectations and being aware of our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors during this time, we will be more capable of handling moments of stress and prevent them from ruining our holiday experience.

Hot mess.

I'm starting to think that I should rename this blog "Confessions of a Therapist."

I'm sure there's a name for what I have. Procrastinator meets super prepared... all mashed into one.

For example.

I bought my custom Christmas cards before Halloween.
I stayed up well past midnight last night preparing a bible study for this evening.
I packed my vacation bag a week in advance.
I don't throw away leftovers until they are well beyond the edible phase.
I buy birthday and other special occasion cards a month in advance.
Rarely do I remember to send them out.
I have already scheduled and planned three Christmas parties. Yes, even the menus.
I haven't taken a shower yet and need to be at work in less than an hour.

I've decided that my brain has issues. Issues of excitement and dread. Issues of incredible planning, and complete absent-mindedness. I think this is what happens to a lot of people who who want to do well in the world. People who look out for others, and sometimes forget about themselves. People who get excited about projects and opportunities, and forget the small details in life that are everyday responsibilities.
Sometimes it's important for me to pull back... before I run away with another creative idea or find another new cupcake recipe to try and bake. I need to ask myself if I've taken care of the other responsibilities I have. Sometimes (okay, a lot of the time) I am a procrastinator for the mundane, and super prepared for the fun and exciting. And that's not always a good thing.

Seeking balance.
Or, rather, needing balance.
Perhaps that's the name for what I have...