Expectations.

I don't know about you, but I rarely have a time when I'm not "in my head". Whether it's thinking about what I've just done, what I need to be doing, how other people might feel about what I just said, or even what's for dinner.... there are always thoughts going on. One of my favorite things to think about over and over (I'm slightly joking) is wrestling the divide between my expectations and embracing reality.

The division between my personal expectations and being okay with how reality is in my life has ways been deep. It's not to say that I don't feel happy, because I would consider myself a pretty contented person... but unrealistic expectations will drive me crazy. I'm not sure how it happened, but I have theories regarding that perfectionistic side of me. It's funny at times to hear clients say to me "that's exactly how I feel... it's like you've been there". It's also the point at which I tell myself not to take over their therapy session. :) Often, I find that the best thing to do in these situations is to slow down. Sometimes it actually involves saying "SLOW DOWN" in my head, followed by some deep breathing exercises.

Over time it gets easier. Slowing down. Embracing positive and negative emotions. Feeling balanced. But if you're in the thick of unrealistic expectations, know that I feel ya. Something that helps me to let go of expectations is to not keep things bottled up. It's as if all the eggs are in one basket, and if they don't go well, everything is smashed.... when in reality, perhaps every egg should have a basket. It's about balance and awareness and having healthy boundaries and knowing yourself. 

The Cha-cha.

In college, I took a 1-hour physical education class..... Latin Dance. One night a week, I'd go to our university's gym, and dance the salsa and other Latin dances with a collection of other students. I have no idea why I signed up (I probably needed one more credit hour to keep my scholarship) but I had the most fun! Getting the hang of dance steps can be challenging... stepping forward, stepping backward, stepping to the side, cha-cha-cha. I still smile and laugh whenever I think of certain songs, and for a brief moment I remember the steps!

At lunch yesterday, I was reminded of taking steps forward... and backward... and trying not to beat myself up for those times when things seem like they are sliding. A friend was talking about getting caught up in the drama of life, and needing to balance the many things on her plate. I shared that I had recently had a "high speed come apart" (my definition of an intense emotional meltdown... yes, even therapists have them) and feeling drained and exhausted afterward. She said that she identified, and that she's learning from those type of experiences. Learning that its her body's warning to re-group and collect herself. And that the next day, she feels refreshed... and is back to the races.

It got me thinking about my own emotional reaction to things, and the ways my clients describe their emotional fluctuations at times. It really is like the cha-cha. Sometimes we go forward. Sometimes we go backward. But it doesn't mean that we're a disaster. We just have to keep chugging away, and know that eventually, days will be brighter and our focus will be more clear.

Be lovers, but be friends too.

My grandparents have been married a long time. Over sixty years... I can't count that high. He hoards papers. She throws away said-papers every chances she gets. He agrees to take office in all sorts of lighthouse related organizations. She begrudgingly types newsletters for the lighthouse related organizations as his "secretary" and licks envelopes to send to readers across Florida. They bicker. She rolls her eyes. They are the cutest couple ever. I wonder if he ever sleeps with one eye open.

I hear stories of my mom and her siblings' childhood. Of my grandpa's working all the time. Of grandma raising five children. Of doing so much for them all while grandpa worked and provided. Even now well into retirement, when they could spend so much time together, she plays her Bridge with friends and he sings in the male chorus. Sometimes, you could convince me that they hate one another. Except. Except that truly. Truly, they are the best of friends.

As a counselor who works with married couples, I've come to understand that people enter marriage counseling for one of three reasons.... (1) they genuinely want to work on their marriage, (2) one person wants to work on the marriage while the other one is just along for the ride, or (3) they are both coming with no intention on staying married, but want to say that they at least "tried the counseling route" before filing papers.

In my experience, the biggest contributor of unhappiness (and resulting failure) in a marriage is a disconnect in activity. In togetherness. In shared interests. Perhaps it's that she consumes herself with the children. Maybe he's always with his golfing buddies. She's busy with PTA and volunteer meetings. He's coaching baseball and track. No matter what the activities are that keeps them separate, the lack of priority in one another prevents them from being able to nurture their relationship.

They seem to forget that they need one another to keep the relationship going. To stay in the same lane. To stay moving in the same direction. It's so easy to be distracted by other things (and other people) if you don't have your partner by your side working with you through the challenges of life. I always ask couples of identify when they started to pull away from one another... when they started walking in different lanes. They may not be able to identify exact dates, but generally they can ballpark a time when they stopped being one another's priorities.

Not that divorce didn't exist in my grandparents' age, because I know that it did, it just seems that it is so much more prevalent nowadays. It's easier to decide that we're unhappy where we currently are and instead of deciding to become happy again HERE, we decided to become happy THERE. We think that becoming happy THERE is going to be better. That becoming a priority THERE is going to be better. That moving on is easier than forgiving, or asking for forgiveness. That moving on is better than staying put and fixing problems, than redefining a relationship, than rediscovering the love that we have for our partners.

When it comes down to it, we just need friendships. For the most part, that's how it all started. A smile. A conversation. A laugh. A football game. A common interest. If you're at the point where you're starting to wander... get back to brass tacks. Remind yourself of what got you interested in the first place. Remind yourself of your friend.

Rekindle the friendship. Lick some envelopes for a newsletter to a lighthouse organization. :)

My puzzle.

First, I must thank you all for you responses to my news on Friday. I'm still letting everything sink in... as you'll read today. :)

Are there ever days when you feel as though you want to pull the covers over your head and hide? I've felt that way before, with reason behind it.... a test in graduate school, a difficult client session, confrontation with a family member or friend. There's always been a reason. At least one that, with time to process, I can generate.

Today, I feel that way, and I haven't got the slightest idea why. I didn't have to rush to get ready this morning and was even able to relax with a friend for lunch. I sneaked a cupcake for dessert too.

But all day long, I've had this feeling. This wacky feeling of ick. Of anxiety. Of being overwhelmed. Of wanting to crawl back in bed and put the covers over my head. Of wanting to close my eyes and get lost in a dream. Or in a book.

To escape my never-ending to-do list. To avoid responsibility. To not take on other people's problems. To allow myself to wallow in self-pity.

To cut of my edge.

A friend of mine once told me that he loves that I never turn my therapist off, because I sit with my thoughts long enough to figure out my own issues. I laugh, because I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

In the midst of my internal pity party, I remind myself that I know that I have a lot on my plate. I know that I have a lot going on right now, but that my plate is full of good things that bring me joy. Things that if I honestly had to cut out, I'd have a difficult time letting anything loose.

I remind myself to take a deep breath. To dig deep. To think about how I'd lay it out for a client. Which, of course, would be to take things one day at a time. To take things FIVE MINUTES at a time if needed.

My puzzle is mine... it's curves and it's edges.

It scares me.

Around this time last year, I had my resignation letter typed, printed, and signed. I kept it with me until the pain of the burning from carrying inside of my pocket for two weeks was too much. It scared me to think about life beyond the job that I had held for 8 years. It scared me to leave the security of my twice-a-month paycheck and invite my pay to be determined by insurance reimbursement. It scared me to have to search for clients instead of them magically landing on my schedule. It scared me to not have the protection of an organization.

Looking back almost one year later, I'm so glad that I had the courage to let go and invite something new and scary into my life.

Teaching has always been something that I've wanted, but at the university level it is difficult to teach without a doctorate. Which would require research. Ask Dr. Whatley from VSU's Psychology department about my incredible research skills, and he'll quote you the words of my discussion section on the last research paper I did... "This sucks." 

It's difficult to teach when you don't have a doctorate. When you don't have experience. When you have a full time job. When you have clients who have fluctuating schedules and need you throughout the day. And when you have a list of the things that you DON'T have, it's difficult to see the things that you DO have....

A flexible schedule.
Experience leading community/organizational groups.
Creativity and organization.
A masters degree.
Passion for helping others learn.

Last week, I did something else scary. I applied for a job as an adjunct instructor at the local community college.

And got it.

Spring quarter, I'll be an adjunct instructor teaching two Human Growth and Development courses. It scares me. It excites me. It makes me smile. 

Sometimes, doing something scary could turn out to be the best decision ever. Making a choice to risk your comfort zone has never turned out bad for me yet, and I'm learning to trust my gut more and more. Even if after 8 weeks of teaching I decide that it's not for me, I'll know that at least I tried.

I like my haircuts.

How much better would our days be if we started them with such gratitude as Jessica does here in the video above. To make known the things we appreciate. Every. Little. Detail. Even our haircuts.

Adventure.

It's so easy to compare our lives to other people. We see people post pictures on social media of incredible trips to other countries or daring safety to accomplish great feats. We might look at our own lives and wonder where the adventure is. Thinking that we need to be brave and full of risk-taking.

Sometimes the biggest risk we can take is being honest. Being vulnerable. Setting boundaries. Speaking up for ourselves. Standing up for someone we love.

Halftime. Anytime.

The Huffington Post shared a blog article from Whitney Fleming the other day titled "To My Daughter, At Halftime" explaining how her daughter's approaching 9th birthday is a game changer for parenting. She spoke about the first half of her raising being more of a survival opportunity, and that the second half (9-18) would be about learning life lessons. In her article, Fleming spoke about 10 things that she wanted her daughter to know. As I read the list, I first thought about my friends who are parents to the pre-teen world, and how I wonder if they've created a similar mental list. But toward the end, I realized that even as I approach my 25th anniversary of being 9 years old, these lessons still hold true.

1. Your decisions are important. One decision can change the trajectory of your life. It takes courage to decide you are not ready for something, and courage to decide to make yourself vulnerable and try something new. Always be courageous.

2. Maintain your digital privacy. If you would not walk into the lunchroom and shout it out, don't ever text or share it on social media. Your "friends" list will not adhere to the same standards of discretion about your life as you expect, particularly when hitting the forward button is so simple. And never hit send on an email before double checking who is in the "to" field. Trust me.

3. Use the right measurements. Life is not measured in the amount of likes you get on Instagram, numbers on a scale or even your GPA. And there isn't a "thing" you can buy with the money you make that can fill a void in your soul. Always remember that life is about the impact you have on others, so work on building your brain and growing your heart, and the rest will fall into place.

4. Always believe the best in people. Girls can be mean. Well, really, people can be mean. There will be a million times when someone says something or does something or you are told about something that rips your heart to shreds. Give that person the benefit of the doubt, and then offer them grace -- because when this stuff happens, it is not about you, sweet girl. It says infinitely more about them.

5. Use your voice. Never sit idly by while someone else is being treated poorly. Period.

6. Don't pretend to be something you're not. I often feel that all those cheesy sitcoms on the Disney channel have watered down your brain cells, but this is one lesson they constantly show that I hope has resonated with you. It feels good to fit in and it feels good to be liked, but you will find that being accepted only when you are pretending to be something you're not is an exhausting, unfulfilling experience. And if I ever catch you acting dumb or helpless to attract a boy, I will ground you. Just kidding (not kidding.)

7. Take charge of your own happiness. No one can make you happy. It is a choice you have to make and it is hard. Trying to fill a void in your life with a person -- or with another tangible such as food, alcohol, drugs, etc. is a lost cause. Find out what makes you the happiest, and then do that. A lot.

8. Never diss your sisters or your girlfriends. You need them more than you know.

9. You are enough, exactly as you are. At a minimum of 50 times each day, you will be told you are inadequate, and Photoshop will change what you think is normal. You will feel that your teeth are not white enough. Your hair is too flat. Your boots are cheap. Your thighs touch. Your makeup is wrong. Your voice is too high. Your face is too thin. Your boobs are too big. I wish I could say it gets better, but it doesn't. Do not let these feelings break your spirit and fight against the urge to conform. Love yourself for who you are in this exact moment, because you are perfect. This is a lesson that most of us learn after having kids, but I'm letting you in on it now. You are a gift to this world, and if you ever forget, just ask. I know I'm just your mom, but I have a long list of compelling reasons why you are awesome.

10. The best is yet to come. The next nine years will have a lot of highs and lows, but rest assured that no one wants to peak in high school, and you have the best that life has to offer sitting before you. And as it becomes less often that you reach back to grab my hand or beg me to lay with you for just five more minutes, or think I'm the smartest person in the whole wide world, I'll always be there for you -- even when I let you fall before raising you back up.

Whether you are 9, 19, 39, or 59... I invite you to consider the ways in which this list is pertinent to your life across the years, and even now.

A good cry.

I always find it amazing (and truly foreign) when people tell me that they are ashamed to cry. As an avid crier, I think it's something very healthy. To me, there is truth in tears. There is reflection in tears. There is healing in tears. I can't tell you the number of times the words "I'm sorry" follow a floodgate of tears opening in my office. Apologizing for crying? Nonsense! Sometimes I forget that other people view expressing emotions differently than I do.

This morning in therapy, a young woman I've been seeing admitted that she'd had a breakdown yesterday. Someone had asked her a question, and it was too overwhelming. Tears welled up, and flowed. For hours she said.

She was unprepared.
She didn't know how to deal.
She told herself to stop.
She told herself she had no reason to cry.

There's always a reason.

She told herself to suck it up.
She told herself there are more important things going on.
She told herself to stop.

In processing the issue farther, she explained that she has been reminded of "everything that I've gone through". Which can certainly hurt. We talked about the changes she's made through therapy. We talked about facing challenges instead of running from them. We talked about making healthy choices. We talked about being happy.

What began as a berating session about crying turned into an illustration of the importance of feeling cleansed by tears. Of feeling our feelings... not denying them. Of giving ourselves permission to fall apart, and learning how to put ourselves back together. Of reflecting how much change really has occurred over the past year, not just what still seems to be broken.

Crying often happens when we're at a breaking point. When we can't take anymore that life throws at us. It is when we lay everything out there that we can search and figure out what's working... and what isn't. It is when we are willing to be vulnerable to ourselves that we figure out what we really want.

Crying is healthy.
Crying brings clarity.
Crying leads to healing.

Too much. Not enough.

There are times in life when we feel like we need to conform into a mold that has been set by someone else. "If I want to be...... then I need to......" There are times when we feel like we can't do something because it goes against the grain. We're afraid to stand out. We're afraid to be different. 

In the process of conforming into molds and always going with the flow, we tend to lose ourselves. We lose our individuality. We lose our uniqueness. In the process of conforming into molds, we forget who we are. We forget the importance of standing up for ourselves. We doubt our voice. We second-guess our choices.

Don't lose your edge.
Be willing to stand out.

Not everyone is going to like you.
But that's okay.

The apple tree.

There's a little story about an apple tree that you might have heard before... this guy and his wife live in this amazing place. It's a garden, but it's so big that it doesn't have barriers. They have everything they could ever ask for. More than that, actually. They live off the land -- the fruits, vegetables, and animals. Everything is wonderful. They are happy.

Except.

There's an apple tree in the garden where they live and it's beautiful. It bares thick, beautiful fruit. They've heard that these apples have amazing powers, but the only rule they have where they live is that they can't eat from this tree. They're not quite sure what will happen, as a consequence, if they eat from it. But they want it. They know that they have everything they could ever ask for. But really... it's not enough.

They're curious.
They question.
They allow themselves to be persuaded.
They get gutsy.
They eat an apple.

------

I wonder sometimes if we don't have our own apple trees in life. Things that create curiosity in our lives, and that -- without discernment, clear thinking, and better judgment -- we find ourselves making decisions that are un-take-back-able. Things that seem good. Things that seem nice. Things that tempt us. Things that are flashy and shiny and pretty. Things that put our lives in danger. Things that lead us to lying. Things that put our relationships in jeopardy. Things that convince us that we need it.

Our apples can be things.
Our apples can be people.

There are times when we're so focused on the apple tree, we can't see the other amazing things that we already have in our lives. We lose appreciation for the things that are present. We distract ourselves from being reminded of what we have, and focus on what we don't. We find ourselves thinking about how wonderful the apple would taste. How much happier we'd be if we could just have it. We lose sight of what we're putting at risk by reaching up in the tree.

If you have an apple tree in your life... something that seems to good to be true... something that seems so perfect... if you have that apple tree, I encourage you to build a fence around it. Build a fence so your temptation doesn't get the better of you. Nurture other areas of your garden to distract yourself. Put focus on the things in your life which you already have and are healthy and good.

There will always be an apple tree.
It's up to us not to reach for it.
It's up to us to remind ourselves that the grass isn't always greener.
It's up to us to find happiness where we are.