Some day.

I found what I was looking for. 
I was so happy.
And then it was ripped away from me with absolutely no warning.
Blindsided couldn't have been a better description.


I'll be honest... it really sucks. Like, really. Really, really, really. At the time, I was devastated. It consumed my thoughts. It was all I wanted to talk about. And in the same breath, I didn't want to talk about it at all. It was all I could do to force myself to engage in conversation about other things. Consumed is the only word that is appropriate. I felt like no one else in the entire world understood what I was going through, even if they said that they did. I felt angry, hurt, lost, and alone.

I had to adjust.
I had to move on.
I had to forgive.
I had to figure out a game plan.
I had to find something else to look for. 
Something better.

-------------

Have you ever been in a situation where you have really wanted something, and have searched and searched earnestly for it? Maybe you finally found it, only to realize that it wasn't all that you hoped it would be. Or maybe you felt that pull of something telling you that something better was out there in the world.

I think there are times in life that we get these messages (perhaps from Above, perhaps from the universe, whatever you believe) that tell us to be cautious about decisions that we make in life. I don't know about you, but I am an excited decision-maker. I like to think about the benefits of things and don't always spend as much time as I need to on the liabilities of choices. 

-Leaving Valdosta to drive to Atlanta at 3:00 just in time for rush-hour.
-Deciding to bake homemade bread at 10:00 at night.
-Agreeing to a speaking arrangement even though I have 264 other things going on.

*I think we all know there are other examples I could have used, but that would have been WAY too personal. :)*

I think that there are times when we get so fixated on the things that WE want for our lives, that we don't see opportunities that open around us that could be just as good, if not better, than the ones we have set for ourselves. We get fixated on these things that we ignore the flashing red lights and the stumbling blocks that are placed in our ways (that are meant to steer us in different directions). In essence, we become stubborn. And so when things don't pan out for us the way we want them to (a la, my example from above) we are torn and shattered and feel as though we are defeated.

What happens though, is this.

When the dust settles, you stand yourself back up.
Brushing the dirt off, you are a new person.
A new person who has a new skill set.
A new person who has a new layer of skin.
A new person who has survived what they thought they wouldn't be able to survive.

And in that newness, you are open to find something much greater than what you were looking for to begin with.

Make peace.

Making peace with your past is so much easier said than done. "Making" is a present-tense, action verb... which takes time, effort, and energy to achieve. The word "making" means that we have to DO something in order for it to happen. As in, we have to face our skeletons.

But what if you don't want to face your skeletons? Can you still make peace with your past? I'll submit to you that unfortunately, I don't think that you can. In my work with clients, the only time I've seen them be successful with their recovery journey is if they are completely honest with themselves and willing to be honest with others about their past... in facing their issues, making peace, and letting go.

Making peace with your past, to me, means that you are willing to face your past with a clear and open mind. It means that you are open to hearing perspectives from others who might have helpful thoughts to assist you in finding peace. Making peace does not mean that you need to put yourself back into harm's way by inviting negativity back into your life (especially when it comes to unhealthy relationships) but that when you consider past events, that you no longer carry anger with you; instead, you have neutral feelings about the situation.

Making peace and letting go does not mean that what occurred in your past was okay.
Making peace with your past means that you are no longer allowing it to control your thoughts.
Making peace means that you are taking back control of your life.
Making peace that you no longer need to fill a void.
Making peace means that you are free.

How You Made Them Feel.

Without having ever known her, Maya Angelou made me feel loved. Through her words, she made me feel as if life is worth living if I just keep putting one foot in front of the other and that no matter what happened, everything is going to turn out okay. I can't tell you the number of times I clipped out a quote of hers from a magazine over the years, read a book she wrote and was lead to tears, or read an article or listened to an interview of her and was mesmerized by her wisdom.

One of my favorite Maya Angelou quotes is above: "People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

When I think about this quote, I reflect on two things.

First, I think about myself... and the things I say and do around and to other people. I think of how I make them feel. How will I be remembered?

Secondly, I think about others in my life... how they make me feel.

I think about the people that I love. The way their embrace can make the worst day seem to melt away. The way a sarcastic text message from a friend can make me cackle with laughter. The way a supportive phone call can help me through a tailspin of anxiety.

RIP Maya Angelou. Thank you for making a difference in the lives of so many. People years from now may forget the words you spoke or the actions that you performed.... but they will never, ever forget the impact that you made on their lives. At least I won't.

Me-sponsible.

I know for a fact that 94.6% of my angst comes from the battles being waged in my mind. I wish that for once, I didn’t have that sense of over-responsibility feeling in my head… wondering if everything is being taken care of, if everything will be okay, if I remembered everything.

I wonder sometimes if it is a gift or a curse to have responsibility. I wonder what it’s like sometimes to have a non-anxious attitude… to not think about what is going to happen next, to not obsess about consequences, to just experience what is happening around me*. Essentially, to not want to CONTROL everything. :-)

In the more broad sense, I wonder if it is the responsibility that I have, or if it is the emotions that I have about those “other people” and their non-anxiousness that I don’t like. For example, am I jealous at irresponsible people who I know in my life who happen to still get by without consequences (we all know those people) or what about those people who don’t take others’ thoughts into consideration when they turn down plans because they “don’t feel well” yet going out of town for the weekend? I submit that that it has less to do with those other people, and more to do with us. Sure, in the grand scheme of things the irresponsible people might get what is coming to them, but we need to remember that it’s OUR life to live and not the other person’s. We need to do what WE want, and not be so concerned about what other people are or are not doing.

(Says the girl who worries so much about the thoughts and feelings of others.)

I know that at least for me, it has everything to do with me and my thoughts and feelings, and not so much about other people. Or maybe, in some situations, it does involve other people… because of the relationship that I have with them (the key being the relationship and the EXPECTATIONS I have of said relationship, which is another blog post all together).

If I am honest with myself, I need to focus on me.

What I need.

What I want.

And there is nothing wrong with that.

If there is any energy or effort that I have left over, then I can consider other people’s needs and wants.

But if I don’t, then that is okay too.

Because if you spend your energy and effort focusing on you and your needs and wants, you take care of yourself on your own.

And then we are all taken care of.

:-)

I am only responsible for me.

*I do remember the last time I purposefully gave up control. I had dinner with a friend last summer and didn't know anything about the location or what we were going to do afterward. Best. evening. ever. I wish for more of those.

Real beauty.

I'm the first one to admit that I don't always use the most positive wording if you were to ask me to describe myself. And neither would my friends. Yesterday, we got into a discussion about how women are so quick to judge themselves (and other women at times) harshly, and that when a woman does say something positive about themselves, they're seen as arrogant and conceited.

You know how sometimes you see something, read something, or hear something, and in that instant your perspective about life changes? That happened for me when I saw this video. After wiping away tears, I thought to myself how I would have described myself, how my drawing would have turned out, and how differently the drawing of the person describing me would have looked.


I don't normally ask this, but if you are reading this, would you please share this blog post link? If you feel led to do so, I hope you share it so that everyone you know can have a chance to see this video. If you are a woman, I know that you might know another woman who would benefit from seeing this video. If you are a man, I know that you know a woman (or perhaps are raising a girl) who would benefit from seeing this video.

To have a chance to be made aware that their real beauty exists far beyond their own critical viewpoint.
Far beyond paying attention to their flaws.
Far beyond the parts of her that she doesn't like.
Far beyond minimizing the good.
Far beyond what she doesn't even notice.

Because other people do.

Other people see her freckles and love them.
Other people see her salt and pepper hair and think it gives her character.
Other people see her scars and know they tell a story.
Other people see her shyness and want to know more.
Other people see her smile and want to know what makes her laugh.

You are beautiful.

Interview with a therapist.

If you've ever wanted to interview a therapist (to get analyze them for a change) click play and listen to me answer questions from the students of an Introduction to Psychology course this past Spring. I answer questions about whether a client has ever called me in the middle of the night, what the hardest thing about being a therapist is, and what is the biggest myth about therapy. As you are watching, be sure to notice that Polly (my black lab) is staring at shadows on the wall... she probably needs therapy.

If you'd like to save yourself 28 minutes, allow me to give you the Cliff's Notes version below (let's be honest, you totally used Cliff's Notes when you were in school...) These were my top 5 questions asked during my interview.

1. Did I always want to be a therapist?

Not at all. I had grand plans to be a marketing guru living in a loft in downtown Atlanta. But in the same semester that I made a C in Macro Economics, I made an A in Introduction to Psychology, and my really awesome Psychology professor talked me into changing majors so that I could change the world. I never looked back, and I've never been happier.

2. Have I ever gotten a phone call from a client in the middle of the night?

No... because my clients don't have my personal phone number. They have my office number, which has the phone number to the crisis facility on our voicemail. If a client were to need to get in touch with me in the middle of the night, surely they must be in crisis, so that number would serve them better than talking to me.

3. What is the best thing about being a therapist?

Participating in the process of change for a person's life. I know that I am not responsible for a client's change, but to be present for their change, to be able to offer suggestions, and to witness growth in another person is by far the most exciting thing ever.

4. What is the most challenging thing about being a therapist?

Being a part of someone's change process, and seeing them stuck... and not being able to help them through. Whether it is because they don't believe in themselves, or whether they are self-destructive, it is so difficult for me to what something to happen that I know is outside of my control. Above all, I know that I need to meet my clients where they are, not where I want them to be.

5. What is the biggest myth about therapy?

The biggest myth about therapy is that only "crazy" people need therapy. I see so many different kinds of people for counseling... kids, teenagers, mothers, husbands, teachers, bankers, professors, or grandparents. Mental health and substance abuse issues affect all races, religions, and socioeconomic statuses. Often people recognize they need therapy when they are going through a challenging situation and want it to go away -- some of my clients might only need 4-6 sessions in order to help them process their thoughts and feelings, while other clients might require therapy for several months. 

My flaws.

If I wanted to make my husband laugh, I would tell him that I don't have any flaws.
The truth is, I know I have many.
My flaws are what make me fabulous. (Ooooo, I think I need to copyright that quote!)

The sad truth is that so often, we spend a lot of time and effort and energy trying to please other people or explain to other people why we don't measure up to their expectations... when in reality, we need to be spending that time growing through life. Because the reality is that I know I'm going to screw up.

I know I'm going to miss the mark.
I know I'm going to disappoint other people.

But you know what?

I'm also going to learn.
I'm going to learn how to do things my own way.
I'm going to learn from mistakes.
I'm going to learn to balance my life.
I'm going to learn the value of things (sometimes only after losing things that mean a lot to me).
I'm going to learn that some things are worth spending my last dime for.
I'm going to learn that some people are worth fighting for.
I'm going to learn how to walk away.
I'm going to learn how to hold on.

And when all is said and done, I'm going to learn that despite everything I've learned, I'm still going to have flaws.

And that's okay.

Because I'll never be done growing.
Or living.

Stress

Does anyone want to join me on the runway of life as a stress supermodel?

Oh, good... I'm not the only one. :)

When stress tries to get the best of me, I try to do a few things to get myself back on track. I wanted to share them with you today. Perhaps they can help you too.

Drink margaritas.

Talk to a friend.

Come up with a game plan.

Have a good cry.

Pray.

Talk to another friend.

Cry.

Engage in self-talk.

No matter what the order, I find that part of my stress release always involves crying, talking to at least two people, and coming up with a plan of attack. It usually involves prayer and self-talk too. (I wonder if I talk to more than one person to complain or to make sure my plan is good and solid?) Usually, the people that I talk to typically give the same suggestions on how to respond to my stressors.

I know that everyone deals with problems in their own ways. For example, there are people who keep everything to themselves... how on Earth do they do that?! There are people who don't cry... my tear ducts would explode! I know I can just give insight into how I deal with my stress. 

However you deal with your pain, know that if it isn't successful (meaning that you are able to gain a healthy response from your actions) there are other ways to try addressing the situation next time. If you typically hold your thoughts and feelings in, maybe next time you can trying talking to a trusted friend or family member. If you typically share all of your feelings to everyone and feel like you aren't being taken seriously, maybe you could try sharing your feelings to only one person, or try journaling your thoughts down first and thinking about them before sharing them with others. 

   

Shoot for the moon.

Yesterday was my birthday. At 33, I've found that I am more comfortable with myself than I've ever been before. I'm taking better care of myself... embracing my body more... enjoying friendships more... but I know that I still struggle with stuff. There are things that I don't like about myself... things that I avoid... things that I know that are so obvious to see in the mirror staring back at me, but that I'm not ready to face.

This morning, a friend of mine posted this quote from Anne Lamott on Facebook. (A quick shout-out... thanks Deanna for sharing this message this morning!) It hit me like a ton of bricks. While being 65 is twice a life away, I realized that I probably shouldn't wait another 30 years to get frustrated that I haven't written a novel or gone swimming in warm pools or oceans. Or given up on people-pleasing for that matter. Gah, I hate people-pleasing. So I'm giving myself a birthday present. The birthday present I'm giving myself this morning is permission to relax in warm pools this summer. For laughing out loud... even if it means making that weird loud laugh. For being silly and enjoying friendships. For loving without holding back, and telling those people how I feel.

I encourage you to do the same. Whether you are 40 or 11 (another shout-out to my 11 year old readers!) it's not too early or too late to be the person you were meant to be. I'm so thankful that we ALL have an opportunity to change who we are... to further develop into the people we are meant to be. To change relationships. To nurture relationships that we choose to hold onto. To visit places that we've always want to go. To try something new. To write a book.

I hope you shoot for the moon.

Music Therapy -- Roar

Music has a way of helping me connect my feelings to thoughts and concepts that I otherwise could not make sense or meaning. Sometimes when I listen to a song I'm brought to joy (or tears)... as if the song writer knew EXACTLY how I felt, and somehow the universe just knew that I needed to hear those lyrics at that moment in time. Funny how that happens. How awesome and therapeutic. I am so thankful for music. So appreciative for music and the opportunity that music has to change my mood, to influence my perception and life situation.

Katy Perry, and her song Roar, is one of the most powerful songs I've heard. This song speaks to the importance of assertiveness and standing up for yourself. I hope these words resonate with you today.



I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath
Scared to rock the boat and make a mess
So I sat quietly, agreed politely
I guess that I forgot I had a choice
I let you push me past the breaking point
I stood for nothing, so I fell for everything

You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)
Already brushing off the dust
You hear my voice, you hear that sound
Like thunder gonna shake the ground
You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)
Get ready 'cause I’ve had enough
I see it all, I see it now

[Chorus]
I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire
'Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar
Louder, louder than a lion
'Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
You’re gonna hear me roar

Now I’m floating like a butterfly
Stinging like a bee I earned my stripes
I went from zero, to my own hero

You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)
Already brushing off the dust
You hear my voice, you hear that sound
Like thunder gonna shake the ground
You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)
Get ready ’cause I’ve had enough
I see it all, I see it now

[Chorus]

Ro-oar, ro-oar, ro-oar, ro-oar, ro-oar

[Chorus]

86,400 seconds.

I used to use this reading during my morning meditation group with clients. How powerful to consider that we have 86,400 seconds in each day and it's up to us to decide how we use them.

We can waste them away watching mindless television.
Being bitter about our past and arguing with others.
Thinking negative.

I reflected just now about how it's 10:30 and how I've already used up 37,800 seconds of my day. While admittedly most of that has been spent sleeping, I think about my waking seconds and how I have chosen to spend them. I've wished my husband happy birthday, I've made plans with my in-laws for dinner this weekend, I've had good conversation with two friends about life. I've also complained. I've procrastinated. I've not done things with my seconds that could have been beneficial... I've wasted some of them.

I think that sometimes, we go through life without much intention. Kind of just floating around and not really paying attention to the thoughts that we have, the messages that we deliver to others, or the behaviors that we engage in. Essentially, we waste our precious seconds. Seconds that we will never get back.

Today I challenge you to live with purpose. Not that you cannot have fun (or let's be honest, watch mindless television). But perhaps we need to balance our seconds more with purpose. Share a kind word with someone who means a lot to you. Thank someone for making a difference in your life. Pay it forward. Try something new.

The Day I Cried In Therapy

Ask anyone who knows me, and they'll tell you that I'm a crier. I can't help it.... I'm emotional. The thing is, crying isn't only for when I'm sad. I cry when I'm angry. When I'm overwhelmed.

Some clients that I see apologize for crying in my office, as if crying is a sign of weakness. They grab a tissue or two (the good Kleenex kind, not the stiff, cardboard kind) and wipe their face before any tears have an opportunity to drip down and water-stain their clothes. It amazes me when clients tell me that they CAN'T cry, as if their bodies don't understand the incredibly awesome power that crying has.

*This is where I tell you about the day I cried in therapy.* 

A few months ago, when I was still working for the hospital, I was doing group therapy with my clients one morning. (An interesting aside about the hospital is that people are always coming and going, so at times it's difficult to get a really good group going because everyone is new and shy to really talk about their deep issues.) On the day that I'm referring to, I had a great group of clients who had worked with one another (and me) for awhile. I can't really remember the specific nature of our group topic, but it was something about feeling as though you had a purpose beyond what you thought you wanted at the time (instant gratification versus delayed gratification, making changes in recovery). Several clients that I worked with struggled with shame and guilt, and working through the challenges of trying to become a different person while dealing with their past.

Unknown to me consciously, I was dealing with my own issues about this topic. The day before I had had a really good conversation with some friends of mine about my purpose regarding my job, and thinking that I had things worked out and a plan... only to be led in a completely different direction (and all of the negative thoughts and feelings that go along with this kind of situation). During the middle of group, it was like the stars aligned in my mind that this topic... this group topic I was leading for my clients... had nothing to do with them. And everything to do with me. And I couldn't keep myself under control. 

I cried.

I cried in therapy.

I cried in therapy with my clients.

I cried for them. I cried for myself. I cried because I saw their purpose, their purpose to be so much more than they saw for themselves. I cried because I believed in them even when they didn't believe in themselves. I cried for myself, because I knew that there was a purpose for my life beyond the walls of that hospital. And with the exception of that last sentence, that's what I told them through my teary eyes.

And then I realized that I was crying in group. Um.... that's not supposed to happen. :)

"Kelly, there's no crying in group", said one of the clients channeling his best Tom Hanks voice from the movie A League of Their Own. All of the clients laughed. I could tell that they had no idea what to do. Or what to think.

Their.therapist.was.crying.in.group.

I have to admit, that was one of the best groups I've ever led. My monologue through tears turned into a wonderful process discussion about belief in oneself, the importance of having others believe in you, and how to find a sense of purpose in their new life of recovery. More than one client approached me after group and thanked me for my openness to be vulnerable in front of them. We talked about the incredible power of tears, and how crying doesn't mean that we are weak, but rather a sign that we have been strong for too long. We talked about the biological power of crying, and the release of endorphins in your brain when you cry.

That was my first, and only time that I have cried in therapy.

And I don't regret it one bit.

If you ever feel like crying, do it. Cry because you are happy. Cry because you are sad. Cry because you are angry... or overwhelmed... or disappointed... or confused. Cry, and don't feel ashamed by it. Know that crying is healthy. In my opinion, it's one of the best coping skills we have.

Your Sign

I wonder how often we think about other people's situations instead of only paying attention to our own thoughts and feelings. In truth, I doubt very often.

When someone doesn't return our phone calls for days.
When someone is short-tempered with us.
When someone cuts us off while driving.

Do you ever stop and think about their situation... what might be contributing to their attitudes and behaviors? We get angry, frustrated, and exhausted dealing with other people's stress, but don't seem to consider what the other person might be experiencing. That whole "shoe on the other foot" situation.

Someone who doesn't return your phone call might be embarrassed to admit something they did wrong.
Someone who is short-tempered might have just gotten fired, and doesn't know how to process it yet.
Someone who cut you off while driving might be in a hurry to visit a loved one in the hospital.

I ran across this image above and wondered what I might write if I had to wear a sign across my chest, helping people explain my behaviors at times. I wonder what you might write if you wore a sign. To help people show a little more compassion. 

Going through a terrible divorce.
Just got rejected from college of my dreams.
My mom just got diagnosed with cancer.
I have never felt more alone in my life.

If we were to know each other's vulnerabilities and situations, would we be more considerate? Would we not rush to end a conversation, would we reach out and listen more? Would we be more patient with our neighbors?

If you wore a sign today to help people understand you better, what would it read?

Be kind.

You know that voice inside of your head... the one that talks about you? What does it say?

Does it say that you are smart, kind, and important like Aibileen says to Mae Mobley in the most incredible movie, The Help? Does it say that you are a wonderful creation? Does it say that you are exactly where you are supposed to be in life, even when things don't go your way?

Or does it say that you aren't worthy of love? Does it say that you should be more like your best friend, that you should skip lunch today because you're getting fat?


I admit that I've had my fair share of negative self-talk over the years. Comparing myself to other people. Wishing that things in my life were different than they were at the time. Wanting more than I had and not appreciating the fullness of my life. 

But it got me nowhere.
And it doesn't get your anywhere either.

Thinking negatively about your life isn't going to make anything better. It isn't going to change the reality that you are where you are. The only thing that will change your reality is to change your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Because really... how can you expect anyone else to respect you if you don't first respect yourself? Self- acceptance and self-love are CRUCIAL to happiness. The way that we think affects our belief system. Even if others have said mean and hurtful things to or about you, know that it isn't true. It doesn't have to transform into the way that you think about yourself.

If, however, there is indeed something that you don't like about yourself... you don't like an aspect of yourself whether it be physical or a behavior you engage in... consider whether or not the change you want to make is possible or not. If it is possible, change it by setting a goal for yourself. If it isn't possible, it's time to start working toward finding acceptance of that particular situation. Acceptance doesn't mean that we are totally cool with a situation and love being in it. Acceptance means that we're willing to look beyond our flaws and concentrate on the awesome things about ourselves. Trust me, talking down to yourself about it isn't going to work.

I know it's easier said than done.
Change takes time, patience, and practicing of new skills.
It's really not that hard though.
Maybe today you can start.

Be kind.

The one you feed.

Not sure this requires much discussion... which wolf do you feed?

Defense.

If you've ever been to a football game, chances are you have seen a sign like this being held up by fans as their team was being encouraged to defend their position on the field. In life, we defend our positions at times... when we are reluctant to change, when we don't like how things are going, when we are stuck.

Defense mechanisms.

Defense mechanisms are coping skills that we use to "help" us feel better in times of stress and crisis that appear to be helpful. We think that these behaviors or ways of thinking protect our self-esteem or help us resolve emotional discomfort... it's like we put a wall up between ourselves and the problem. At times we may be oblivious to our behaviors as if our wall is an invisible force-field that keeps us inside our own torture zone, while other times we are very aware of our choices and we build a brick wall between us and freedom.

Here are some examples of defense mechanisms and ways that each may play out in real life. While the scenarios I give may not be applicable to everyone's situation, I am sure that you can think of your own examples. I submit that we all engage in avoiding reality from time to time.

Displacement -- diverting emotional feelings from an original source to a substitute target -- ex. being angry at your boss, but going home and yelling at your spouse
Rationalization -- creating excuses to justify behavior -- Having someone break up with you, and telling your friends "I didn't like him anyway"
Denial -- protecting yourself from reality by refusing to face it -- someone who drinks excessively refusing to believe their behavior is problematic despite several others expressing concern
Compensation -- striving to make up for inadequacies -- a person's competitiveness might make up for their true feelings of inferiority


The reality of using defense mechanisms to cope with issues in our lives is that our problems don't go away when we avoid them... often times, they magnify.

Patience.

Lately, I have felt like Varuca Salt from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory... "but I want it NOW!" she yells to her dad as he tells her she'll have to wait for the golden egg until the end of the tour of Wonka's factory.

I've been impatient.
I want it now.
I don't want to wait.

But. I know that's not right. I know it's unrealistic and that by doing so, I am setting myself up for disappointment and failure.

Patience is the ability to hang on when everyone else has given up. Patience is the ability to release your need for immediate gratification and wait for the things to come in their own time frame. Patience overcomes criticism and intolerance. Patience develops committed relationships in marriage, family, church, community and career. Many great leaders have displayed patience by looking before they leaped, thinking before they acted, and considering before they decided. Life is a test in patience!

This week you can expect to be tested at least four different ways:

Interruptions – You will sit down to dinner and someone will knock at your front door, or your telephone will ring. You will be in the restroom and someone will call for you. Or you will be working feverishly on a deadline, you cannot afford any interruptions, and your boss will ask you to attend a meeting.

Inconvenience – Your flight will be canceled or delayed; trouble with your car may leave you stuck somewhere along the road, or even in your garage; or someone will ask for your help at an inopportune moment. How will you react?

Irritations – Somehow, in some way you will be annoyed by some of those little things that are beyond our control and make life uncomfortable. Irritation tends to bring out either the best in us - or the beast in us. Which will it be for you?

Inactivity – You will be forced to wait ... in lines, in offices, in traffic, in elevators. When you have much to do, and too little time in which to do it, standing still can try anyone’s patience. Many people I know would rather do almost anything but have to wait for any reason.

As Joyce Meyer says above, patience is not the ability to wait, but the ability to keep a good attitude while waiting.

Priorities.

Last night, I was reminded of the importance of human connection. More than just surface relationships which are often easier to develop, these deep relationships carry so much more meaning.
When I talk to clients about the importance of a support system, I often encourage them to visualize a target and explain the layers of our relationships with others. The outermost part is the surface where we share polite "hellos" and "how are yous"... but our answer is always "fine", whether things are going great or if we feel like we are trainwrecks. In the innermost part, however, our inner circle, lies the people with whom we can share our core being. Some people spend a good amount of time in group rating their support and deciding where each person falls on their target, while others I have worked with have just a few names -- and no inner circle. That always hurts my heart.
Last night's reflection of each person in my inner circle had me think that they have a space carved into my soul just for them. It's interesting how the shape of their space may change over time depending on the needs and purpose of our relationship, but the quality never wavers. New jobs, busy schedules, and life stress may prevent constant contact with these beloved people in my life. But when we connect... ahhh, when we connect, it's as if no time ever passed.

If you've never heard the mayonnaise jar story before, it's a great lesson in setting the right priorities.
If you've heard it before, allow it to remind you of setting the right priorities. Last night reminded me of mine.

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A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full.

They agreed that it was...

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full.

They agreed it was...

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full.

The students responded with a unanimous 'yes.'

The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed...

'Now,' said the professor as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things---your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions---and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car. The sand is everything else---the small stuff.

'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
Spend time with your children.
Spend time with your parents.
Visit with grandparents.
Take time to get medical checkups.
Take your spouse out to dinner.
Play another 18...
There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal.
Take care of the golf balls first---the things that really matter.
Set your priorities.
The rest is just sand.

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented.

The professor smiled and said, 'I'm glad you asked.' The beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers with a friend.

Happiness.

 

A lot of clients come to me because they are unhappy and so strongly desire to become happy again (or happy for the first time). Yet when we start talking about what needs to change in order for them to achieve happiness, so many changes are focused outwardly.

A job. A relationship. More money. Family.

I submit that happiness is not found focusing outside of ourselves Sure, it's easy to think that if a magic wand was waved and these aspects of our lives were changed, there may be SOME improvements. But I know plenty of people who seem to have great jobs, excellent relationships, a lot more money than I do, and great families... but who are still unhappy.
 
Happiness fluctuates. Happiness isn't a constant state of being. It's not like if we find it one time, it is guaranteed to stick around forever. I think people sometimes get caught up in the search for happiness. "If only ___________, then I'll feel happy", as if happiness is a destination for their lives.

Happiness is a mood just like sadness, or anger, or worry.... emotions which I am thankful for, yet appreciate their vacancy from my life when able. Yet those very emotions make me crave happiness even more, and make efforts to search for it whenever possible. Happiness is a mood that is found internally. Sure, there are external things that may contribute to or influence my happiness, but I am the ultimate decider.

And so are you.