Me-sponsible.

I know for a fact that 94.6% of my angst comes from the battles being waged in my mind. I wish that for once, I didn’t have that sense of over-responsibility feeling in my head… wondering if everything is being taken care of, if everything will be okay, if I remembered everything.

I wonder sometimes if it is a gift or a curse to have responsibility. I wonder what it’s like sometimes to have a non-anxious attitude… to not think about what is going to happen next, to not obsess about consequences, to just experience what is happening around me*. Essentially, to not want to CONTROL everything. :-)

In the more broad sense, I wonder if it is the responsibility that I have, or if it is the emotions that I have about those “other people” and their non-anxiousness that I don’t like. For example, am I jealous at irresponsible people who I know in my life who happen to still get by without consequences (we all know those people) or what about those people who don’t take others’ thoughts into consideration when they turn down plans because they “don’t feel well” yet going out of town for the weekend? I submit that that it has less to do with those other people, and more to do with us. Sure, in the grand scheme of things the irresponsible people might get what is coming to them, but we need to remember that it’s OUR life to live and not the other person’s. We need to do what WE want, and not be so concerned about what other people are or are not doing.

(Says the girl who worries so much about the thoughts and feelings of others.)

I know that at least for me, it has everything to do with me and my thoughts and feelings, and not so much about other people. Or maybe, in some situations, it does involve other people… because of the relationship that I have with them (the key being the relationship and the EXPECTATIONS I have of said relationship, which is another blog post all together).

If I am honest with myself, I need to focus on me.

What I need.

What I want.

And there is nothing wrong with that.

If there is any energy or effort that I have left over, then I can consider other people’s needs and wants.

But if I don’t, then that is okay too.

Because if you spend your energy and effort focusing on you and your needs and wants, you take care of yourself on your own.

And then we are all taken care of.

:-)

I am only responsible for me.

*I do remember the last time I purposefully gave up control. I had dinner with a friend last summer and didn't know anything about the location or what we were going to do afterward. Best. evening. ever. I wish for more of those.