Friday, August 29, 2014

Becoming.


I can remember times in my life when I've thought to myself, "If only I could be like...." and wanting to experience the lives of people I knew. As if having a more stable family, better opportunities, a different hair style, or a better voice would make me a better person. I think it's so easy to compare ourselves to other people -- focusing on what we don't have to what we perceive that those other people do have in their lives.

I've come to learn the silliness of that. I've learned that when I focus on what I don't have and think only about what other people do have, I'm discounting all of the really neat things that make me who I am. Rarely do I consider that just as I compare myself to others, other people might be doing the same thing about me.

I've come to learn that accepting who I am (weird quirks and all) is a process. It's not something that is magically done or something that people innately have. Accepting who I am is a process of experiencing my strengths and my weaknesses, and finding a way to appreciate them as a whole. To accept myself as a whole. There may be things I don't care for, or I might discover things that I'd like to improve, but I also know that thinking "If only I could be like..." robs me of my uniqueness to this world.

Thursday, August 28, 2014

Two choices.


I've never thought about it that way, but it's so true. Oftentimes we say that we are plagued with decisions to make, stuck between two choices. But when the rubber hits the road, we most likely have a direction that we're leaning toward. In that instant of a coin flip, our mind goes to the choice that we'd really like to have... that one we're hoping for.



Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Small things.


I know that I will never create world peace or find a cure for cancer.

But.

I can smile to people I pass by in the halls of my office building.
I can hold the elevator for someone coming up the walk.
I can send a text message or e-mail to a friend I have been thinking about.
I can say take the grocery cart of someone walking it back to the store if I'm on my way in.
I can offer to pay for the coffee for the person behind me in line at Starbucks (if I actually drank coffee, that is).
I can send a handwritten letter of thanks when someone helps make my life easier.

I may not be able to do great things, but I can (along with all of you) do small things with great love.

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Running on empty.


Do you ever feel like you are running on empty... that you have nothing more to give, either physically, mentally, or emotionally? That if one other person asks you to listen to their problems, that you are going to plug your ears and sing "la-la-la-la" really loud. That if a child or spouse complains about something, that you are going to start spouting all of the things that you have to complain about.

Sometimes, I get overwhelmed. And feel exhausted at the thought of giving any more of myself. (Which never really happens because I always find away to squeeze blood out of a turnip when it comes to the need of others.) On those occasions, I know that it's important to check myself and consider ways in which I need to re-charge.

To Write Love On Her Arms is a wonderful organization that promotes education on suicide prevention. They recently wrote a blog on self-care and its importance in our lives. It's an amazing read that I invite you to look at HERE. My favorite line is this: "Every now and then, let’s trade practicality for play and work for balance."

Monday, August 25, 2014

The waiting game.


How long have you waited for something? For something that you've really wanted.

Days?
Months?
Years?

There are times when my mind and my heart are in huge conflict with themselves, and I feel like my body is just along for the ride. The ride of a rollercoaster than offers twists, turns, and a bunch of upside downs. At times, I believe that the waiting is worth it, and I spend a lot of time working on developing patience. If I'm honest, though, I'll admit that it can be stressful and overwhelming. Other times, I believe that letting go is best because letting go means that I'm no longer plagued with heartache or mind fuzz.

The worst part of all is when I'm stuck and I don't know which decision is best. That's when it's most painful.

One of the things I like to do when faced with a challenge is to pull out a piece of paper and to consider the pros and cons of the situation. To me, as a visual person, it's not enough to think about options in my mind. (I think that's where I get so overwhelmed.) It's helpful for me to see things on paper, concrete and evident. Have more pros than cons doesn't mean that I stick with the waiting game, because I need to consider the quality of my list and the weight that each item plays into the situation. Most of the time, being able to see my options on paper helps me to make better decisions. Even difficult ones.

I just need to remember that even if my heart might get hurt in the short-term, waiting or letting go is worth it in the end.

Friday, August 22, 2014

Feeling feelings.

 

When I read this quote for the first time, I wanted to shout "AMEN!" at my computer screen. Truthfully, I wanted to scream it to the universe. Perhaps if it ever gets printed on a t-shirt, I'll buy it. :)
 

There are times when I love that I feel deeply, but there are times when I dislike it so much. I cry at the ASPCA commercials (damn you, Sarah McLachlan). I get excited about starting creative projects (and often throw myself into it without thinking). I process and think about things that happened in the past way too much.

I used to want to change... used to want to not feel as much. Thinking to myself, why can other people turn their feelings off or not feel so powerfully? Or feeling compelled to act on feelings instead of just allowing them to BE with me. Realizing that I don't have to get rid of them.

The keyword is used to. Because I don't anymore.

I've learned that sometimes sitting with my feelings is better than acting on them or pushing them away. Sometimes, sitting with them means processing them, trying to make sense of them, accepting them as part of my life and where I am right now. (It doesn't mean things are good or bad, feelings just are.) Although they can be confusing, interruptive, and annoying at times, feelings are just feelings. I need to remember that they are transient in our lives, even when I get stuck and think they are permanent. It's important for me to try to step back and think about the bigger picture. Whatever situation I'm experiencing right now is only a little blip on my life timeline... it's not a crashing boulder. I'm going to be okay.

Thursday, August 21, 2014

Dropped in dirt.

Have you ever felt like you've been dropped in dirt and covered in darkness?

Even when we know that change and growth is good and healthy for us, it doesn't take away the feelings of being lost and lonely. Of being scared and overwhelmed. Of wanting to scramble out of the hole we've been dropped into and back to the safety net from which we came.

Growth is meant to stretch our comfort zone. If we don't feel comfortable, it means that we're not growing. Struggling to reach the light means that we're changing and transforming into the person that we're striving to become. Just like growing pains that we felt in our bodies during adolescents, we're going to feel growing pains through change.

But it's worth it.

All you have to do is reach for the light.

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Under pressure.


Growing up, I never had to study. Things generally came easy to me, so I typically could get away with glancing at information right before a test and still do well on it. When it came to projects, the more creative the better. Shoebox depictions of animal habitats or plant cells made from jello and other food items? Consider it done. Writing papers, however, always brought me back to reality. Papers deflated my excitement for school. It's not that I didn't like writing... clearly, I write a blog every day... but I didn't like the format of writing. Having a main idea. Having supportive sentences. Blech. As a result, I would procrastinate. 

Procrastination became my favorite word in college, especially graduate school. Between working two jobs and attending classes full-time, I think that it just made sense for me to put off now what I could do later. As if the pressure of doing things last minute made me stronger. Crazy talk, I know.

When college was over, and I was left with one job only, I thought that all pressure would go away. And it did for a while. Until demands in other areas of life decided to creep in. I ultimately realized that just when we manage to escape one area of stress, there's always another one waiting. If you're lucky, one stressor happens at a time, but if you're like me at all it seems like they enjoy one another's company and come in herds!

When I feel overwhelmed, I need to remember that some pressure is good. It forces me to stay away from procrastination. It keeps me in action. It keeps me aware and alert.

Thinking of pressure reminded me of this story I heard about a carrot, egg, and coffee bean. Have you heard it before? If not, I invite you to read it below and consider which one you are...

*  *  *  *  *  *  *

A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed that as one problem was solved, a new one arose. 

Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to a boil. In the first, she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil, without saying a word. 

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She then pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. 

Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me, what do you see?" 

"Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied. 

She brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. She then asked her to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg. Finally, she asked her to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. 

The daughter then asked, "What does it mean, Mother?" 

Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity -- boiling water -- but each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior. But, after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water. 

"Which are you?" she asked her daughter. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean?" 

Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity? Do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength? 

Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and a hardened heart? 

Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor of your life. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hours are the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate to another level? 

How do you handle adversity? Are you changed by your surroundings or do you bring life, flavor, to them? 

ARE YOU A CARROT, AN EGG, OR A COFFEE BEAN? 

Monday, August 18, 2014

Everyone has a story.





I meet new people all the time. In therapy, new clients never cease to offer explanations and reasons behind their stories.... "I wasn't always like this"... "You must think I'm crazy"... "I've never told anyone that before".

I wonder how it feels to prepare for therapy, the thoughts before being called back to my office. Preparing to sit in front of a person I've never met, to answer questions about my life story, to become vulnerable to their comments and (in my mind) their judgments. For people who have ever experienced talk therapy, it must be nerve-wracking. And so I do my best to offer support and encouragement. 

I wonder sometimes, however, if I check my judgement-free attitude at the door when I leave my office. It's certainly something to consider... how things might be if I treated everyone in my life as if they were a first-time client. Vulnerable to life. Not wanting to be judged. Only wanting to be accepted for who they are. Wanting who they are to be good enough.

Yesterday, I saw this video which was produced by Rethink Homelessness, an organization in Central Florida geared to assist their community rethink who the homeless really are. It's amazing how in less than a minute and a half, perspective about life can change. I invite you to view it below:




Remember that everyone has a story. Whether it's your annoying neighbor who always complains about something, the customer at work who is snippy and in a rush, or the homeless woman who sleeps on your church's front steps... everyone has a story to tell. Instead of passing judgment, be open to learning. There's usually more to their story than you could imagine.

Thursday, August 14, 2014

The strength of anchors.


If life challenges show my strength, I sometimes I feel like I have the strongest anchor ever. :) This week has been a doozy, nothing short of stressful, and yet despite events that have presented themselves to me, I'm dealing with them better than I expected. Which either means that I'm delirious, or I am showing strength.

I hope and pray for strength.

The challenging times in our lives have a tendency to throw us off course. To test patience. To have us consider giving up. To tempt us into going in a different direction than our goals. Because facing issues is difficult and running away is easy, we often have to fight off these temptations. Burying my head in the sand, plugging my ears, and pretending everything is fine is not a solution, but an extension of the problem. 

Challenges remind me that I'm not in control. When I most want everything to go well, when I most need everything to go well, a loop is thrown and I am face-to-face with acknowledging how little control  I actually have over things in my life. In those moments I need to remember the importance of slowing down, taking a deep breath, and trying again. I need to remember to accept things, and focus on my attitude and response to stress. 

I need to remind myself that I am strong.
That I can persevere.
That I can survive this storm.

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Don't forget.


There is a tribe in Africa and when someone in the tribe does something wrong, they take the person to the center of the village. The tribe surrounds the person and for two days, everyone speaks all of the good he has done. The tribe believes each person is good, but sometimes people make mistakes which are viewed as cries for help. The purpose for the two-day event, they say, is to reconnect him with his good nature.

In our culture, we are so used to focusing on the negative. We jump on the bandwagon when someone is down, shaming them to other people around us. Perhaps in an effort to be liked and accepted, we're more apt to go along with the crowd instead of stand up for the individual. To encourage others to see the good. And when it comes to ourselves, we're no better. One negative thought leads to another, which leads to another. Before we know it, we're in a cesspool of negativity, drowning in reminders of things that we've done wrong in the past.

How different it would be if we were reminded of the good...

In relationships, when your spouse forgets something... instead of reminding them sarcastically or in a cruel way, remind yourself of the times when they think of things that you don't recall. And offer grace.

At work, when a co-worker doesn't bring their "A game" to a presentation... consider what other things might be going on with them outside of work, and remind yourself of the time he/she saved you in a past presentation.

We are so quick to judge.
To place blame.
To jump on the bandwagon.

Instead of to comfort.
To support.
To encourage.

Don't forget all the things that they did right. Be someone who lifts up, not one who puts down.

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Just start.


I get this.
I sooo get this.

Sometimes I wonder if we have too many options in life. Whether it's the choices on the menu at a restaurant, the color of nail polish at the salon, or choosing a career... it seems like the options are endless. And while the freedom to choose is wonderful, it can often be quite overwhelming. It can be overwhelming if we think of making a choice as being the final word, as if there is no room for error or an option to change down the line. Almost as if we need to lock in our answer and live with it forever.

But rarely is that ever true. At least for me, it hasn't.

When I started college, I was a marketing major. I *knew* what I wanted out of life (work for an advertising firm and live in a loft apartment in Atlanta so that I could host awesome dinner parties with friends). The dream was there and real. But not realistic. What came to be real was an Economics course that I didn't care anything about and the reality of having to take more business classes instead of just creative marketing classes.

At the same time, I happened upon an Intro Psychology course and nailed it.
The next semester, I changed my major.

In graduate school, I did my first internship in the school system which was preparing me to continue toward an Education Specialist degree in School Psychology. I loved it. I thought this was the way to help kids. All I needed was one more semester of internship to graduate (which had to be in a clinic-setting) and I would begin my new degree program that fall. Application sent in. Acceptance letter received. Classes chosen. 

My second semester of internship was where I fell in love with therapy.
I never started the Education Specialist degree program.

There are always going to be options in our lives. Some of them may seem more exciting than others... more anxiety-provoking... some more comfortable. But we eventually have to make a choice and start. For if we never start, we won't ever find out how well we are at adapting to our situations. Learning about ourselves. Finding our passion.

And the best news? You aren't locked in to your decisions for the rest of your life. If you make a choice and don't like it, it's okay to change your mind. You can change your job, you can move to a new state, you can get out of a bad relationship, you can apologize and repair a relationship, you can make mistakes and move forward.

You just have to start.

Monday, August 11, 2014

Bloom.


I remember having a small pillow when I was little that I kept with my dolls. If I remember correctly, it was just the perfect size for them, more like a decorative pillow than something functional for a girl. The words "bloom where you are planted" were hand-embroidered it by my mom. All these years later, whenever I hear that phrase, I think of the little pillow.

Throughout life, there are times when we wish we were somewhere different. Wanting to escape from our realities. Whether because of unhappiness, anxiety, or frustration, we find ourselves wanting our life situations to be changed. In an instant. 

A different job.
A different relationship.
A different city.

Thinking that by escaping or changing the scenery, things within us might be changed. And while that may be the case at times, we can't run away from everything. Sometimes it's important to stay rooted and face the issue. And in the process, we bloom.

We learn things about ourselves that we never did before. We learn to communicate our needs. We learn to be assertive. To budget finances better. To cook for ourselves. To engage in self-care. To spend time alone. To find balance. To meet new people. To change a flat tire. To do things that are new and scary and empowering.

All because we stayed.
Because we rooted.

And in the end, we will bloom.

Friday, August 8, 2014

Live.


Existing.
The day in, day out, mundane stuff of life.
Over and over again.
There's got to be more.

Do you ever wonder to yourself if there's more to life than thinking about bills, scheduling life around work or which kid needs to go to which practice? When is the last time you relaxed... slept in... had fun? In the midst of life and responsibilities (which, I'm not saying are not important, because they absolutely are) it's also important to remember to ENJOY life. Who cares that you are making a name for yourself at your company if your kids are forgetting your name at home. Who cares that you make money if you aren't ever able to spend any of it with your loved ones. 

Do more than just exist.
Love.
Live.
And do both to their fullest.

Thursday, August 7, 2014

A new year.


This morning, my Facebook news feed was flooded with children posing for their first day of school pictures...some under duress and clearly being manipulated with promises for ice cream or money, yet others willingly smiling for the camera. It took me back to memories of my first days of school. Only I never had my picture taken. Thank goodness. But you better believe I planned my first day outfit for a week.

Starting a new school year has always been a pretty big deal to me. While I liked summer break, I loved school. (I always wanted summer break to last about a month, as long as it took me to visit my grandparents, and then I was fine going back.) I think one of the reasons was because school was an outlet for me. I did well. I was kiiiiiiind of a teacher's pet. I liked seeing my friends. And school helped me focus on something other than the stress of my family life.

I also liked starting a new school year because everything was new. New books. New classes. New teachers. And like Rilke's quote above says, it's full of things that have never been. It's a chance to learn new things. There's a challenge to figure things out that you've never experienced before. Math problems. Science experiments. Pronouncing words that you've never seen before. Think about it... as an adult, can you remember the last time you experienced something for the first time? When was the last time that you had a "light bulb moment"?

I'm actually kind of jealous that I can't be in the classroom right now learning something new today. I want that feeling.

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Square one.


There are times when I feel like I start over every day. As if every day I go back to square one. As if each day presents new challenges that I hadn't prepared for or thought of the night before, in my cesspool of "what if" thinking before finally falling sleep. Just when I think I'm able to consider all possible scenarios, life throws a curveball and I'm able to add another option to the ongoing laundry list.

If I stay stuck in that holding pattern of negativity, I know I'm headed nowhere quickly. Instead of recognizing achievements (however tiny), utilizing coping skills (self-talk, challenging negative thoughts) and reaching out to support, it is so easy to withdraw and stay inside of my thoughts. 

As easy as it is to stay stuck, it is so important to find a way to pull back as see your situation in the "big picture". That is, to see the experiences you have witnessed, the knowledge you have learned, the strength (emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually) that you've developed, and the power that you have gained. You are not the same person that you were last month or even last week. You are not the person that you were yesterday. 

Your journey is yours. Stop hitting the pause button. Keep living it.

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Regret.


Have you ever listened to a TED talk before? If you haven't, I encourage you to Google it. Incredible stuff. Each talk is 15-20 minutes long, and there are a slew of topics available. This particular topic on regret was one I found several months ago, and I always find myself coming back to it. The thought of not regretting regret sticks out to me.

We're taught that we should not regret things. That "things happen in our lives for a reason". But the way that Kathryn Schulz discusses regret sheds a new light onto things that I had never considered before.




"If you want to be fully functioning... fully human and fully humane... I think that you need to live not without regret, but with it." Schulz, in her talk goes on to explain through her illustration of getting a tattoo, that we have a sense of regret when we feel responsible for things that come out badly when they almost came out well. Missing a flight just a few minutes late. Almost getting a passing score on an entrance exam.

The first time I listened to this TED talk, I was trying to prepare for a group therapy session with clients. I loved the message, but didn't know if they would "get" it. So I stalled. I was worried that they would think that this lady's issues were nothing compared to theirs. I shouldn't have worried. We had a great discussion Whether smaller or larger than the examples given in her talk, I believe that we can all identify with the characteristics that Schulz shares of regret: denial ("Make it go away"), bewilderment ("How could I have done that?), punishment ("I could kick myself"), and perseveration ("Make it go away. Make it go away. How could I have done that. I could kick myself. Make it go away.")

Like all good writers, Schulz waits until her last minute to deliver her best stuff. I'll leave you with her words.

"If we have goals and dreams, and if we want to do our best, and if we love people and we don't want to hurt them or lose them, we should feel pain when things go wrong. The point isn't to live without any regrets. The point is to not hate ourselves for having them. The lesson that I ultimately learned from my tattoo and what I want to leave you with today is this: we need to learn to love the flawed and imperfect things that we create, and to forgive ourselves for creating them. Regret doesn't remind us that we did badly; it reminds us that we know we can do better."

Monday, August 4, 2014

Miserable or strong. Our choice.


Do you remember when you were younger and you used to complain about doing your chores on Saturday mornings? You'd rather hang out with your friends first, and do chores later. You might have even tried bargaining with your parents... you'd offer to do more chores if only they'd let you go. just. this. once.
We all know what ends up happening. Usually, in the time we spent trying to bargain our way out of the chores, we could have completed them all and been out with our friends already and enjoying the sunshine of the day.

This quote reminds me of that situation. For the same amount of work, the same amount of effort and energy, we either make ourselves miserable or make ourselves strong. We like to think that we save ourselves time by complaining, as if complaining has a special time-lapse option in the atmosphere. The truth, however, is that it sucks so much time out of our days. (Have you ever stopped to think about how much time you spend complaining? It's an interesting experiment, for sure.)

We have the choice to complain to friends about why our spouse never does anything right... or to actually communicate with our spouse about our needs not being met. Same amount of work.

We have the choice to be miserable at our jobs, complaining to co-workers about supervisors who don't understand us... or to look for a job that would better suit us and our skills, or seek acceptance on what we can control from our daily workload. Same amount of work.

We have a choice to bicker with our children, getting frustrated to the point of yelling at them when they argue with their siblings... or to set limits and boundaries at home, and be consistent in parenting. Same amount of work.

You have a choice.
I have a choice.
A simple choice.
To be miserable.
Or to be strong.

Being strong isn't always easy. But being miserable is a terrible way to live.

Friday, August 1, 2014

Reading therapy.


I remember discovering my love of reading as a pre-teen. Or maybe even younger.

Ramona Quimby
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (and really, anything else by Ronald Dahl)
The Secret Garden
Island of the Blue Dolphins

One of the things that I love about reading is that I always learn something about myself. Identification with the characters, thought provocation within myself, a discussion opportunity with friends... books always offer more to me than just words on a page. Lately, the books I have read have given me a lot of food for thought. Without realizing it, they've been lined up with where I've been in life. Or I guess more appropriately, I've pulled from the pages ways to apply meaning to my life. The way they always have, and I'm guessing... the way they always will.

Books have always been a comforter to me. When teenage life was stressful, books were there. When I wanted to escape, books were there. When I wanted to understand something more about life, a book is there. When I wanted to feel connected to friends who recommend literary pieces, books are there.

As an adult, these I associate these same feelings with books. This week, I spent a lot of time with clients talking about coping skills, and found myself talking a lot about the power of reading. I realize that not everyone shares my love of books, but find that reading can offer so many opportunities for offering distraction, filling boredom, and even offering education. Additionally, I can read books no matter what mood I'm in... and can find something to suit my mood whether I'm frustrated, happy, needing comfort, or lonely.

"Books are our quietest and most constant of friends; they are the most accessible and wisest of counselors, and the most patient of teachers." Charles Elliott