Regret.

Have you ever listened to a TED talk before? If you haven't, I encourage you to Google it. Incredible stuff. Each talk is 15-20 minutes long, and there are a slew of topics available. This particular topic on regret was one I found several months ago, and I always find myself coming back to it. The thought of not regretting regret sticks out to me.

We're taught that we should not regret things. That "things happen in our lives for a reason". But the way that Kathryn Schulz discusses regret sheds a new light onto things that I had never considered before.

"If you want to be fully functioning... fully human and fully humane... I think that you need to live not without regret, but with it." Schulz, in her talk goes on to explain through her illustration of getting a tattoo, that we have a sense of regret when we feel responsible for things that come out badly when they almost came out well. Missing a flight just a few minutes late. Almost getting a passing score on an entrance exam.

The first time I listened to this TED talk, I was trying to prepare for a group therapy session with clients. I loved the message, but didn't know if they would "get" it. So I stalled. I was worried that they would think that this lady's issues were nothing compared to theirs. I shouldn't have worried. We had a great discussion Whether smaller or larger than the examples given in her talk, I believe that we can all identify with the characteristics that Schulz shares of regret: denial ("Make it go away"), bewilderment ("How could I have done that?), punishment ("I could kick myself"), and perseveration ("Make it go away. Make it go away. How could I have done that. I could kick myself. Make it go away.")

Like all good writers, Schulz waits until her last minute to deliver her best stuff. I'll leave you with her words.

"If we have goals and dreams, and if we want to do our best, and if we love people and we don't want to hurt them or lose them, we should feel pain when things go wrong. The point isn't to live without any regrets. The point is to not hate ourselves for having them. The lesson that I ultimately learned from my tattoo and what I want to leave you with today is this: we need to learn to love the flawed and imperfect things that we create, and to forgive ourselves for creating them. Regret doesn't remind us that we did badly; it reminds us that we know we can do better."