Dancing In The Rain.

Have you ever been bummed out? Have you ever really hoped for something, and it just didn't turn out? How did you handle it? Did you complain? Did you spend efforts in a pity party? Or did you maybe, just maybe, dance in the rain?

On this rainy Wednesday, I wanted to focus on gratitude and remind myself of all of the awesome things in my life that I treasure. Even though I don't have everything, I have more than some.

I encourage you to do the same.

- Life challenges that encourage me to change my perspectives
- Encouraging text messages from friends
- Creativity
- Assertiveness (that whole, practice what you preach thing)
- Birthday cake ice cream
- Warm embraces from family and friends
- Phone calls from long-distance loved ones
- Baking, especially cupcakes
- Good hard laughter

On days where things look bleak or when it seems as though nothing seems to be going my way, it is important for me to remember what IS going right and to refocus my attitude on gratitude!

No.

I used to be a people pleaser (some people who know me might still characterize me as such). Getting "the look" from my mom when I was little would send me into a tailspin of tears.

I hate disappointing people and hurting their feelings.

But what happens when my feelings get hurt?

What do I do about that?

No one ever told me that there is a fine line between helping others, and neglecting the self. I had to figure that out for myself. A few years into my therapy career, a co-worker of mine shared this little bit of wisdom that completely changed my viewpoint on the word NO. I'd like to share it with you today.

The word NO is an acronym. It stands for Not Obligated.

I am not obligated to do things for people if I don't have the time. Or if I don't have the money. Or if I simply do not want to. And I don't have to give a reason for it. I don't need to develop an excuse for it, or promise that the next time they need something done that I'll be their gal. It means no, plain and simple... move along to the next person please.

The downfall of being a people pleaser is that other people get used to using you. Granted, they may not do it on purpose or do so maliciously. But they know that you'll say yes. So they ask. And because you will feel guilty, you will say yes. You put your needs and wants to the back burner. They deserve to be at the front.

Rather than saying yes to everything, wouldn't it be nice to be able to do the things you really enjoy and to be able to do them with a full heart... to be able to accept an offer with excitement and look forward to giving as much of yourself into an opportunity, instead of feeling that you are spread too thin in work, church, the community, or in relationships?

Do you need to say no today, so that you can say yes more often?

Let Go

One of the most important, but oftentimes challenging, things that we do in life is let go.

Of relationships.
Of expectations of ourselves and others.
Of grief and anger and resentment.

The most freeing experiences I have ever had in life is when I let go of a person or situation in my life that no longer serves me purpose. So often I have been wrestling with myself for weeks or months before making a decision that by the time my burden is lifted, I literally feel lighter. No longer are there negative thoughts that cross my mind, butterflies (not the good kind) when I am a negative situation, or that "nail on a chalkboard" sensation when I hear the person's voice.

I wonder why we don't let go more often.

I think it's because sometimes we feel like we somehow deserve it, or rather feel as though we are not deserving of the freedom of being without our burdens. Or maybe if we let go of a person in our life, that we'd hurt their feelings (nevermind all of the times that person has hurt OUR feelings). Maybe if we let go of memories of the past, that we will somehow make ourselves vulnerable to put ourselves back in those same situations to be hurt again.

Letting go does not mean that we erase our past or forget the things that happened to us. If we are faced with letting go something another person did, it doesn't mean that the other person will change their behaviors. After all, we can't control anyone else in life. We can only control our own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.

Letting go just means that we are releasing emotional pain attached to our life experiences, and are choosing happiness instead.

The Perfect Date

A perfect date.
Does it really exist?
If you are looking for it, doesn't that really put a lot of expectation on you, and the person you are dating?
Maybe Ms. Rhode Island can give us some thoughts... 



Okay, so maybe Ms. Rhode Island has a completely different idea of what a perfect date is...

Perfection can lead to unrealistic expectations.

Do we always have to spend this much money going out?
Do I always have to get this dressed up?
Do I always have to be on my best behavior?
Do I always have to suck my gut in and push my boobs out (seriously, I'm being honest here)?
Do I always have to laugh at his stupid jokes?
Will she always laugh with that high-pitched squeal?

Maybe a perfect date really is just jeans and a comfortable t-shirt at your favorite casual restaurant. Maybe its even a dutch treat.  

Rough Days

I have no idea who this Vinny guy is, but he's brilliant. His words are simple, yet powerful. To me, Vinny's words are a reminder that during the days that are most challenging, we need to slow down... take a breather... remind ourselves that we CAN make it over whatever hurdle we are trying to cross. True, our burdens may be heavy. Our tests may be difficult. Our circumstances may be overwhelming. But our situation is not impossible.

And sometimes, that's nice to hear.

Music Therapy -- Brave

Have you ever listened to a song before... even memorized the lyrics... without really understanding the meaning behind the song? (Were you cool like me and listened to a cassette tape 296 times so you could write down the lyrics and learn the words? I swear my Play and Reverse buttons on my stereo were worn out by the time CD players came out!)

I digress.

One of my favorite non-traditional group therapy sessions to do with clients is music therapy. Whether they would be songs that I would choose and play for clients, or songs that clients would choose, I loved this "something different" that always went in a different direction each time, no matter how many times I played the same song. One of the things I love about using music therapeutically is that a song... the music and its lyrics... can mean different things to different people. Depending on the mood that you are in, a song can even have a different meaning to someone in the same day, given a different situation or circumstance.

I invite you to listen to Brave, by Sara Bareilles, and ponder its meaning on your life today.


Lyrics...

You can be amazing
You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug
You can be the outcast
Or be the backlash of somebody's lack of love
Or you can start speaking up

Nothing's gonna hurt you the way that words do
When they settle 'neath your skin
Kept on the inside and no sunlight
Sometimes the shadow wins
But I wonder what would happen if you

CHORUS:
Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you (x 3)
I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you (x 3)
I wanna see you be brave

Everybody's been there,
Everybody's been stared down by the enemy
Fallen for the fear
And done some disappearing,
Bow down to the mighty
Don't run, just stop holding your tongue

Maybe there's a way out of the cage where you live
Maybe one of these days you can let the light in
Show me how big your brave is

CHORUS

And since your history of silence
Won't do you any good,
Did you think it would?
Let your words be anything but empty
Why don't you tell them the truth?

CHORUS

I just wanna see you (x 3)
I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you (x 3)
See you be brave

I just wanna see you (x6)


*If you like the thought of me including other songs into my blog posts occasionally (or even regularly) I'd love for you to leave a comment. 

Insanity

Insanity.
You know the definition.
Doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results.

It's easy to think of our "insane" ways regarding our behaviors... even though you want to lose weight, you still enjoy eating Oreo cookies... even though you know that exercising is healthy, you find yourself with a million reasons why you need to check Facebook, and sit on your couch all night instead of getting on the treadmill, etc. But you know, those behaviors are actually pretty easy to change. Whether you begin to make small changes and reduce things toward moderation, or cut behaviors completely out of your life, things like this are easy.

But what if your insanity is harder?

What if your insanity lies in your thoughts, in your feelings, in your beliefs about yourself and others? What if you learned your insanity patterns as a coping mechanism for things that you have experienced in life... and that even though these coping mechanisms no longer serve you purpose, you haven't learned how to let them go?

For me, I think the most important step in making sense of our insanity is the ability to RECOGNIZE it as insane. We have to lift our veil of denial and gain insight into lives, recognizing that our patterns of behavior (or thought, or feeling) aren't healthy -- that is, that we are doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting life to turn out differently. 

Have you been chasing job after job looking for fulfillment, only to realize that fulfillment does NOT come in the form of a paycheck but in the behaviors that you do outside of work (volunteerism, church, family)? Have you been chasing relationships, only to find yourself run ragged to the point of giving up hope that you were meant to be in a relationship at all? (The "insanity" part could be in the kind of person you are attracting, the approach you are going for, the vibe you are giving, or even the belief in yourself of being worthy of a healthy relationship.) Have you been miserable IN a relationship, thinking that if only YOU changed your ways (and not the other person changing too) your relationship would be better off?

In order to get that insight, I think we need to step back and examine ourselves. Look at your patterns of choices that you have been making. Are they good and healthy? Have they been leading you to fulfillment and happiness? Have they been leading you to sadness and despair? For either one of those questions, I think it is also important to identify at what point you began feeling that way. Perhaps this flowchart may help...

If you want something you've never had, you have to do something you've never done. Oftentimes we need to do something different... sometimes, it's something that we've never done before, in order to get different results.

The Picture In Our Head

Expectations. We all have them. Some of our expectations are well-defined and realistic, which can help keep us on a good path and working on our goals. I'm going to venture to say that most of us have unrealistic expectations... either of ourselves or of others which lead us into a state of self-disappointment.

Here are a few tips on keeping that picture in your head from screwing you up:

1. Don't overpromise yourself. Remember that it's okay to say no once in awhile. (Saying no is a blog post I'm getting to soon!) For now, just know that saying no to other people is VERY appropriate, and VERY important. Don't overpromise yourself to other people, giving them the idea that they can expect more from you than is realistic.

2.  Communicate. So many times, the reasons why we are disappointed in life is because we don't communicate with other people. They don't live up to our expectations because, in essence, we don't let them in on the plans that we have for them.

3. Don't compare yourself to others. This perhaps is the most difficult (at least it is for me). Remembering not to compare yourself to other people in your life with regard to relationships, work, financial security, emotional stability, or anything else is a difficult task when you feel as though you are a trainwreck compared to someone else's perceived perfection.

In reality, things are supposed to be exactly how they are right now. The obstacles, the frustrations, the joys, the sorrows. They are all preparing you for amazing journeys ahead. Instead of wishing you were somewhere else, embrace your present... either considering the lesson to be learned through the challenge you are facing or enjoying the exciting celebration.

Did you enjoy this post? Want to read others? Simply click the blog header above and be directed to the blog's main page to read all of my posts!

The Time You Have

I don't really think this video needs any text to follow. I saw it for the first time a few weeks ago at a conference. It's message has forever burned meaning into my soul. I hope it does the same for you.

Courage

People often think that courage means having physical strength to take on monumental tasks... like a mighty warrior in battle, or the courage that the cowardly lion requests in the Wizard of Oz movie. Much more true in life, however, is not the kind of courage that comes in the form of ripped abs and muscle shirts, but in emotional strength and mental resilience.
Courage means that it's okay to have apprehensions about life, but that despite these fears that we don't allow these anxieties to debilitate us from carrying out activities of life. Most often when I see people wanting to improve themselves, they are looking to strengthen their assertiveness, self-esteem, or self-talk. Their hope and desire for courage is the inner strength in not giving up on themselves and their ability to grow and change... continuing to believe.

Do you need courage about something today? Are you hoping for that quiet voice that will say to you, "try again tomorrow"? If so, I hope you hear it. Even if it is a whisper. If it's a loud scream, you might want to consider taking action tomorrow! Read my post from Monday if so :) Sometimes making a list of pros and cons to taking action is helpful in getting the ball rolling, as is talking to a supportive person. Remember that making changes takes time, and that it is important to be patient with yourself. Oftentimes challenges did not develop overnight, and so they will not go away overnight either. Courage means facing issues head on with persistence. You can do it!

The Semicolon Project

No, this isn't a tattoo. However, if I ever DID get a tattoo, this one is on my short list of considerations. The reason why follows...

One of the most challenging, and rewarding, experiences of being a therapist for me is working with clients who self-harm. Challenging in a sense that I take on the task of assisting an individual who has found meaning in harming themselves as a coping skill for any number of ailments (relieving emotional pain, punishment from wrong-doings, etc) and helping them find new ways of working through their struggles. Rewarding in a sense that when healthy coping replaces razor blades or cigarette lighters, there is no greater celebration that comes in hearing the words in a therapy session, "Kelly, can you believe it's been 6 months since I've cut?" I cannot begin to explain the excitement I see on their faces and the joy in their voices as we process their growth and change.

In 2013, I was introduced to The Semicolon Project. It happens each April 16th, in remembrance and recognition of those who have lost their fight, still fight, or who have conquered their fight to self-harm. 

The meaning behind The Semicolon Project is incredibly powerful and moving to me. It is significant in the fact that I believe that everyone deserves a second (and fifth, and thirteenth) chance and change. A semi-colon is used in sentences to connect two independent thoughts. An author uses a semi-colon when a sentence could have ended, but chooses to extend the sentence with another thought. In life, and especially the life of a person faced with mental health or substance abuse issues, a semi-colon holds significance that life does not have to end where it currently is. Life does not have to end with emotional pain and suffering... with negative self-esteem, self-doubt, feelings of failure, and broken dreams.

Today I drew a semi-colon on my wrist. And next year on April 16, I will do the same. And the year after that, and so on. I will do that to represent the amazingly strong people that have allowed me into their lives, allowed me to see their vulnerabilities, allowed me to challenge their thoughts, allowed me to see a part of them that they didn't want to show anyone else. 

The other day, a client showed me a quote that she recently read: The bravest thing I ever did was continue my life when I wanted to die. After our first therapy session, I knew she would be my most challenging client. Four years later, if I could have a list of client references on my resume, she'd be on my list. I've never felt more challenged in therapy, more exhausted after sessions... or more rewarded.

The Semicolon Project is meant for her. Or maybe it's meant for you... maybe a friend... maybe a family member. Today, will you help raise awareness? 

The Problem is not the Problem

Have you ever had a problem and instead of focusing on the solution, you decided to focus on the five hundred ways that the problem wasn't your fault... the reasons why you shouldn't be in the situation to begin with... or find yourself complaining about the problem?

I wonder how much time and effort we, as a human race, spend wasting on complaining about our circumstances instead of planning our method of attack. I know from personal experience that I am a perfect example.

When I have a problem that I need to "flesh out" with someone, there are two people that I turn to: one person jumps on my complaining and bashing bandwagon. When I want to have a pity party, she's just the person to hand me my proverbial drink of sorrow and help me drown it away. My other friend, on the other hand, tells me to dig deep, breath deep, and helps me to center my thoughts. This friend helps me to think about my options and consider the best way to address my problem... not simply complaining about it, which might further complicate the situation.

What I find most interesting about myself is that depending on what kind of ATTITUDE I have about myself, the problem, or other things that might cloud my judgment (my relationships, stress level, etc.) I may or may not choose the correct person to talk to. Furthermore, I may intentionally choose one person over the other, knowing good and well what kind of response I am going to get from each.

The truth is, most problems that we deal with are NOT so big that they are impossible to address, but there are times when our attitudes cloud our belief that the problem is solvable. When we have trouble believing in ourselves, it might be a good time to reach out to those in our support system for help... family, friends, co-workers, classmates, neighbors, or Publix cashiers. (I'm just kidding on that last one, although I'm betting that the ones at my store would cheer me on to do just about anything!) Our support systems can often help us see things that we might not have insight into about ourselves, and help us break down our issues into manageable chunks of goal-oriented behaviors.

Another suggestion I like to offer others (and remind myself of daily) is to be aware. Be aware of your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. My clients at my old job could probably recite for you this statement, "If you learn nothing else while you are here, learn this: the most important goal I have for you is to be more aware of your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors." Self-awareness is crucial for good mental health. Paying attention to your thoughts, feeling, and behaviors (feeling grumpy mid-afternoon... did your remember to have lunch today?) will help you in more ways than just one, but certainly will assist in being mindful of your attitude.

Feel The Fear... And Do It Anyway

Prior to having insight into myself... which came well after starting my career as a therapist... I began to notice that I was an anxious person. Sure, in college I would feel anxious when big tests would come up, or worried if I wasn't accepted by my group of friends. But it became more apparent as I worked with my clients what REAL anxiety was, and it became clearer to me that I was experiencing it myself. More specifically, the anxiety came around work-related tasks and other employees/supervisors.

In the past eight months, I have experienced more anxiety that I have in the past eight years. I laugh to myself on the inside when I work with a client who is also challenged with anxiety symptoms and through our dialog they often say something along the lines of "it's like you know just what I'm going through" when I offer them an empathic statement that therapists are suppose to use to show that they care... as if we, the therapists, live in a depression or anxiety-free bubble that prevents us from experiencing any real life trials and tribulations that would make us susceptible to situations similar to that of our clients.

This reading has been a staple in my notebook for several months. It reminds me that fear is a natural emotion. It reminds me not to run away from fears. It reminds me to feel fear. Feel it, in all of it's glory. Embrace it. Acknowledge its presence in my life, however uncomfortable it might be. Then, it invites me to act on it. Act on my fears, in spite of being afraid. In spite of asking myself those "what if" questions. In spite of my doubts. In spite of my fear of failure, or quite often... my fear of success. Only after acting on our fears will there be an opportunity for the fear (and any other accompanying feelings) to transform into relief, triumph, and excitement.


I challenge you today to consider what you have been putting off because of your fears. What have you been wanting to try, but you are afraid that it won't work? Have you been wanting to talk to someone new, but are afraid that s/he won't reciprocate your affection? Do you want a new job, but don't think you have the qualifications? Do you want to learn something new, but don't think you have the talent? GO FOR IT! The only way you will find out is to try. Until you put yourself out there and attempt something, you will always wonder "what if".

 

Welcome!

Hey y'all, my name is Kelly and I am a therapist in South Georgia. I recently transitioned from working at a hospital for 8 years where I  facilitated group therapy with teenagers and adults (both in an out-patient and in-patient setting) to working for myself in private practice. I absolutely loved doing groups with my clients, and will miss that aspect of my previous job greatly!
When I considered my transition away from the hospital setting, I had a funky idea to start a blog as a way to stay connected to people and share my love of therapy. One of the things that I loved about group was sharing insights about life that ultimately apply to people from all walks of life. I welcome any comments that you would like to share on my posts, and will do my best to reply to them. I have so many thoughts and ideas for this blog, but I think I'll keep them to myself for now and we'll see how it develops! :)

 




Disclaimer: In no way is this blog meant to replace therapy, but is meant to only share thoughts about topics that are helpful and may prove useful for those interested in mental health and substance abuse recovery information.