In order that I don't jeopardize my future, allow me to just post this picture today as I join others in my profession who are procrastinators and waited until the last minute to renew their license. Of course, I could probably type out a full blog post, have ten notes submitted for billing, and see three clients before I will be able to talk to someone from the Board on the phone.... :)
I know several people (myself included) who need this quote right now. Who are facing a change, and needing help with finding acceptance of a situation and how they will fit themselves into the bigger picture... knowing that ultimately we are not in control, and that we will all be okay when the dust settles. It's so interesting how we get used to things in our lives. Things like the silverware drawer being the first drawer to the left of the stove, and so when we go to a friend's house and naturally reach for that drawer, we wonder why THEIR silverware isn't in the same place. Or how we get used to people being in our lives. Many times we don't realize that impact that people have on our lives until they tell you that they're going away. You don't realize until you have time for reflection how much you will miss her quick-witted humor. His thoughtfulness in showing appreciation. It's funny that we participate in relationships with others and become so used to characteristics, that we often forget to share with them that which we love about them so. Something happens, however, when we realize that we need to grow. Realize that we can't keep our feet where they currently are... that they need to explore new places and reach new heights. There can be confusion, sadness, and even anger. (Why isn't your silverware drawer to the left of your stove?! It should be!) When change is met with love, we realize that we have the capacity to grow. Change isn't meant to be scary, although so many of us think that way. We fear change because we're not sure what is going to happen. What will come of me? Will I find a job? Will this new relationship work? Will my old friends still talk to me? What if I made a mistake? Will there be a drawer to the left of the stove for our silverware? :) Have courage. Break free from your every day living. Take chances. Embrace that other people may do the same. Accept their decisions, and encourage them to break free from you... even if it hurts. Understand that you aren't in control of anyone but yourself, and that when it comes down to it you can only control how you respond to others' choices. Grow. Be fragile. Break. Break free.
This Emma Watson chick is awesome. I've read several of her quotes and am awed by her insight in life. I'd like to go a step further, though, and suggest that sensitivity and strength don't have to be seen as separate characteristics, and can be seen as parallel virtues. That sensitivity doesn't have to be perceived as weakness (though I know it often is) and that being strong doesn't have to mean that a person is void of sensitivity (though I know it often is). I do, whole-heartedly agree with her that it is about time that we stop viewing people by their gender stereotypes and pigeonholing people into the confines that we, perhaps, have been comfortable with in the past.... that women are supposed to be the nurturers, the caregivers, the stay-at-homers. Men are to be the money-makers, the strong ones, the tough ones. I say who cares. All that matters is that we're happy. Tear down the walls. Pull down the tape that keeps you in your bubble. Stretch your lines of comfort. Be who you are, despite what others think. You will be so much more comfortable in the end. I promise.
You'll be dating yourself if you remember being these kids... sitting in the backseat of a station wagon and watching the view of the world from the rear window. Watching things zoom by backward. Watching the past disappear into the horizon. But truly, I wonder how many people do this in their present lives... watch life from the rear window. I wonder how many people watch watch their past disappear into the horizon instead of looking forward at the present, and experience all that life has to offer in the now. They get caught up in what could have been, what they should have done, what was great about then, what they miss about what once was. They get so caught up in the past that they miss so much about the present... their relationships, opportunities for laughter, and chances for love. I encourage you that if you find yourself looking back, to take the time right now to turn around. I know that it's difficult and strange, and somewhat scary. But you cannot do anything about the past. You can only do something about the present. Turn around and be in the now and embrace it. Be here. In 2014. In September. In this fall air. In real time. In your thoughts and feelings. In your confusion. In your hurt. In your joy. In your anger. In your disappointment. In your realness. Face who you are. Overcome your struggles. Look at yourself in the mirror. Don't look back. Look forward.
I'm always up for a party, as my husband will tell you. I love getting together with friends for a cook-out or gathering. But when it comes to an invitation like this, I do my best to RSVP a big 'ole, fat NO.
Getting frustrated is something self-imposed. Anger is a decision that we bring on ourselves, a decision that we make about a situation. We could have made another choice. To think differently, to look for another way out, to have a conversation about our feelings. But instead, we often choose anger as an easy way out... often because it's a comfortable emotion.
Those are difficult emotions to express to other people. Anger is easy.
The next time you're faced with a situation, and you notice frustrations surfacing, take a moment to step back and reconsider your thoughts and feelings. Be willing to sit with them for a bit and consider how you might really be feeling. Instead of jumping to anger, thinking about what might be lingering just under the surface. The real feelings that anger might be masking.
This. If everyone would just read, and do, this. Problems in a relationship? Communicate. Problems at work? Communicate. Problems with friends? Communicate. But instead, we find ourselves engaging in mind-reading, and assuming, what the other person means... or doesn't mean... and we find ourselves worried, hurt, or angry. We find ourselves worked up over nothing. We find ourselves loving more than we're loved back. All because of miscommunication. One of the biggest reasons I've heard from clients is because they don't feel as though their mother/spouse/best friend/boss would understand them. (Hello... we're talking about communicating here!) But I wonder if we're not doing our best to communicate what we really mean. If we find someone intimidating, or if we don't really like the other person (or if we are completely head-over-heels for them) we might not do the best to deliver our message. Instead of being direct about our thoughts and feelings, we might find ourselves hemming and hawing over the situation... not wanting to ruffle feathers, wanting to clear the air, wanting to keep peace. But sometimes. Sometimes, conflict needs to happen. Sometimes it's important to take a risk and share what is really going on in our minds. Sometimes it's crucial to our relationship to be honest about what we want/need from the other person. Because when things DON'T go the way we would like for them to, we can truly only look in the mirror to see that due to not communicating, our message was not delivered.
In the mid-1990s a movie was created. A movie about a lion cub, and his journey of coming into his own. You may have heard of it... The Lion King. I remember watching this movie over and over with my little brother, almost as much as watching Aladdin (another great Disney classic). My favorite scene in the movie, clearly not understanding its impact until viewers watch the movie in its entirety, is the musical number "The Circle of Life". Pulling back and showing everything, all of the animals, together in this incredible world. Being mindful of life's ups and down. If it's been a while since you've heard the song, I invite you to listen below... and if you are a visual learner like I am, you can follow along with the lyrics too. :)
From the day we arrive on the planet And blinking, step into the sun There's more to be seen than can ever be seen More to do than can ever be done
Some say eat or be eaten Some say live and let live But all are agreed as they join the stampede You should never take more than you give
In the circle of life It's the wheel of fortune It's the leap of faith It's the band of hope Till we find our place On the path unwinding In the circle, the circle of life
Some of us fall by the wayside And some of us soar to the stars And some of us sail through our troubles And some have to live with the scars
There's far too much to take in here More to find than can ever be found But the sun rolling high through the sapphire sky Keeps great and small on the endless round ----------------------- Betrayal, rejection, an escape from responsibility, and growing strong through adversity are just a few of the themes in The Lion King. And as this song points out, we're all searching for our place of belonging... our niche... in this vast world. To me, this song represents the overwhelming awe of living, the opportunities we have to be in this world and the importance of not taking anything for granted. What about you? What do you take away from these powerful words? One of the things I love most about music is that each listener takes away something different...
"It's too expensive" "I've tried before, and it didn't work" "I don't have time" "It's too hard" So often we make excuses. Excuses for why we don't do things... why we don't invest in ourselves more. We think that spending time on our well-being, on our happiness, is seen as foolish and even selfish. Eating rich food, going on a nice vacation, spending an evening with good friends, taking a course in order to learn something new.
I wonder where we get the notion of neglecting ourselves. Well, perhaps not neglecting ourselves... but certainly not investing in ourselves the way we deserve. Or looking down on others who do. This past May, my husband and I went on a trip to Jamaica. I've always wanted to go, and he was excited because of the SCUBA diving opportunities there. Several friends of mine, when they heard about our trip, gawfed at me for spending such money on a trip. To me, though, it wasn't a waste. It was an investment. In our lives. In our relationship. In our happiness. (As an aside, we both worked our tails off to pay for it.) We had the best time, and I look forward to being able to work hard in order to be able to make another trip like that again. If we truly want something, we'll find a way... if we value something, ourselves, people. It won't be too expensive, it will be worth trying again, it won't take too much time, and it won't be too difficult. Whether it involves investing in our work, relationships with others, or even ourselves -- we need to remember that we're worth the investment required.
I often wonder if we put the same amount of time, effort, and energy into goal setting and execution of those goals that we do into complaining of how horrible things are and blaming others... how much better our lives and our society might be. If we put more effort into taking responsibility for our actions. For our thoughts. For our past. For our present. The only reason why our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are negative is because of US. Because truly, we are the only ones who can control them. Anything else is outside of our control, but those three things... those tiny, yet HUGE things... are completely, 100%, totally within our control. So take ownership. Today. Now. This moment. Stop the complaints. The drama. The whining. And start making a plan to overcome the hardship that you have placed on your life. I'm not saying it's going to be easy, at least not at first. But I promise it will be worth it. It will be freeing. And in the end, it will feel so much better than complaining and blaming.
Have you ever had a secret? A secret so important to keep for fear of rejection that it ate you alive at times? As a therapist, one of the interesting things about my job is that I often hear, "I've never told anyone this before" after they share a secret. After I become trustworthy enough to have a client feel comfortable to be vulnerable. And while however brief, there is a weight that is lifted. Even if only in my office, the weight that is lifted allows for deeper conversation, allows for more freedom to express thoughts and feelings. A sense of acceptance. I've had a secret before. At times, I still have it. I carry it with me where ever I go... in the deep recesses of my mind. When I experience certain situations, I am reminded of it, but for the most part, I can work through several days or weeks without being reminded. I know that some people can't. Some people consistently think about their secrets. They feel trapped, living lives that they know are lies. Living a life of lies for fear of rejection. Humiliation. Fear of being treated differently, or even ignored, if they were to be honest. If they were to be real. Eventually, there comes a time when you must take a risk. Take a risk to be honest, with yourself and with others. The risk to be real, to remove your mask, and brace yourself with the truth. Whether you are hiding from your past, hiding about your lifestyle, hiding about your hopes and dreams, or hiding from your thoughts... take a risk. Because not all risks have negative consequences. Some risks have amazing ones... like acceptance, understanding, and love. And when love wins, it's an amazing feeling.
Did you know that the desire to belong is an innate characteristic of people and most animals? We're so driven to belong that we do some pretty wacky things at times in order to fit in. To me, belonging means that I am part of something, mostly participating in relationships with other people. But if I'm not authentic... if I am fake or wear a mask and pretend to be someone I'm not... it's not going to work. At least not in the long run. Sure, people may think that I'm confident, willing to take risks, and out-going. They'll see what I want them to see in order to initially be accepted. When the newness of relationships wear off, though, where will things stand? When I'm going through a challenge, when my moods are down, when I feel as though there's no one to reach out to... how will people react to me when I'm imperfect? How will they respond when I become vulnerable and real? If at first I pretend to be someone I'm not, eventually my facade falls away, and my true colors show. My lack of confidence will show, my worry about the future will show, the truth about my past will show. And I may no longer belong. But. If I work on my self-acceptance, being okay with who I am... enjoying my own company... understanding that I don't have it all together (and that's alright), my desire to fit in with others so eagerly might not be that important anymore. It may not be as important as being happy with myself. Again, I know that I will always have a desire to belong, and when that happens I really enjoy it, but that doesn't have to define me. Whether I am accepted into a cliche, a team at work, or in a relationship doesn't define me as being happy or sad with myself.
If you've ever made chocolate chip cookies, you've noticed that no matter what the recipe, there are some staple ingredients across the board... flour, baking powder, sugar, eggs, chocolate chips... but that each kind might have a few surprises thrown into the mix... pecans, brown sugar, vanilla, or oatmeal. Have you ever eaten just flour? Or raw eggs? Baking powder? I bet that even vanilla extract on it's own wouldn't be satisfying. But sugar? Chocolate chips? Pecans? Sure... I'll eat those by themselves all day long. The recipe of making chocolate chip cookies reminds me of life, and that sometimes we experience really good days. Really good moments and memories that we love and cherish forever. There are also times when we experience really bad days. Experience really bad situations and we'd love nothing more than to erase from our memories. But without the flour, without the baking powder or raw eggs, the delicious, melty goodness of a warm chocolate chip cookie couldn't exist. We can't only have happy and exciting moments in our lives. That's impossible. We're going to have down times... dark moments. That doesn't mean, however, that we have a down or dark life. These moments are just that... moments. And in the long timeline of your life, I hope that these moments will be just little blips. Little speed bumps that encourage you to take inventory, take time to appreciate what you have, take opportunity to notice that without any of the bad times we might not be so apt to notice the good. Chocolate chip cookies, and our lives, are best when focused as a whole... not just the parts.
Do you remember in elementary school rushing through a test, hoping to be the first one finished? As if being the first to finish a task meant that you were the best. The smartest. The coolest. What is usually meant is that you were the fastest. And that's it. I've come to realize that progress, no matter how slow, is still progress. Sure, things might not happen nearly as fast as I'd like to them to be. Other people might not make decisions on my time schedule. I might feel at times as though things are standing still. But. I need to take a deep breath. I need to relax. I need to understand that progress, no matter how small, is still progress. I need to understand that good things take time to develop. That if everything happened quickly, I might get overwhelmed, do a poor job, or not appreciate things as they come my way. When we understand the importance of slowing down, whether purposefully or by happenstance, we realize that small steps in the right direction are better than giant leaps that may lead us to falling.
A lot of people toss around the phrase "I'll believe it when I see it"... being doubtful of things, or actions promised by others. And I totally get that. If you've ever put your trust in something or someone only to get backlash and feel disappointed, it makes sense that you're cautious. That you are resistant. That you want to wait to see how things pane out before getting your hopes up. But. Sometimes you have to see things in your mind, set goals, and make plans. You have to believe things are possible. You have to believe that things will happen. When you do, they have a way to coming to fruition. To come into being. Right in front of you. Believe it, and see it.
TRUTH: - Every 13.3 minutes, someone in the world ends their life via suicide. - An average of 6 people are effected by the death of someone who commits suicide. - Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death, worldwide. - More women attempt suicide, but more men complete suicide. - 9 out of every 10 people who commit suicide have a mental health diagnosis. - Only 3 of those 10 ever received treatment for their mental health issues. MYTH: - Talking about suicide increases the chances for someone contemplating suicide to follow through. - Suicide is a coward's way out of their problems. - People who commit suicide are weak individuals. - Once a person commits suicide, other people will take their place in life. Today is World Suicide Prevention Day. This day is perhaps one of the most important in my career. I've worked with countless numbers of individuals who have considered, planned, and acted on completing suicide. I am so very grateful to have had an opportunity to work with them, for them allowing me into their vulnerable lives, and offer a ray of hope. For anyone who is struggling now with thoughts or feelings of suicide, you are not alone and there is help available. Dozens of organizations have been developed around the world to provide assistance... a voice to calm you, an ear to listen, material to read, a lifeline to help. One of my favorite organizations is To Write Love On Her Arms, which is beyond incredible in providing education, assistance, and hope to those struggling with self-harm and suicidal thoughts. They developed the "No One Can Play Your Part" campaign (which is the source of my image above), which speaks to the myth that people struggling with suicide often think that they are replaceable... that people will be better off and move on once they are gone. The National Suicide Hotline is another resource... {800} 273-TALK... where a trained counselor will talk to ANYONE about issues related to suicide, specifically providing support to those contemplating death by suicide. The truth about today is that suicide does not have to happen. I know that people considering suicide believe that suicide will end all misery in their lives, but by doing so they will never have an opportunity to have anything improve. No one can play your part. Everyone is important. Spread the love. Here are some more links to helpful websites: http://www.save.org http://www.afsp.org/ http://www.activeminds.org/ http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
I've read a lot of controversy over this quote lately. Some people really like it... as if we need to take care of our needs first, and others come after that. And that if we all take care of our needs first and then give to others next, we will all be fulfilled. Others don't like this quote because it speaks to selfishness and being self-absorbed, giving thought to the importance of giving to others and being selfless. When I see these words, I'm reminded of the importance of self-care. The importance of not giving only to others without reserving some of "you" for you. The importance of other people respecting you and your time, commitments, and love. When we put others first in our lives and deny ourselves the things that we need, we are letting people know that it's okay to take advantage of us. But when we set limits and boundaries with ourselves and others, we let them know that it's important to respect us. We're letting them know that we're open to helping, but not at the expense of ourselves. When we are respectful of ourselves and put ourselves first, we're also expressing self-love. Which is more important than anything else. When we respect ourselves, others will respect us too.
There are times when life is difficult. When you may feel as though you can't keep fighting. You are struggling. Feeling as though you can't keep your head above water. Like you are drowning. Let me throw you a lifesaver. Grab on and hold tight. You cannot be replaced. No one in this world is like you... for better or worse. No one can smile like you. Laugh like you. No one tells stories like you do (no matter how awkward they might come out). No one can provide encouragement to others like you (even if you feel like anyone ever encourages you). No one has that same twinkle in their eye like you do (even if you can't remember the last time it happened). You cannot be replaced. Don't think that giving up is easier than fighting. Fighting can be difficult, but it's worth it when you get to the other side. Become a hero to your own life, not a victim to it. You cannot be replaced.
"Creatives only need to care about impressing clients. When sharing work with supporters, the negativity flitters away..." - Jasmine Star, photographer One of the myths that people have about therapists is that they have it all together. Let me break that down for you... we don't. :) We still struggle. We still have feelings and thoughts that consume us. We still need coping skills to help us get through the day. One of the coping skills that I developed as a love of photography. Along my journey in photography, I discovered Jasmine Star who is an incredible photographer out of California. Jasmine writes a blog in order to share her clients' images and stories, and I love that after I finish reading a blog entry from her I feel connected... to her clients, and to her. I also love that Jasmine is real. Real in identifying her own struggles and hesitations in life. Yesterday, Jasmine posted about not focusing on the negative comments of other people about our work as artists. Which got me thinking about being a therapist and trying to keep up with others in the profession... comparing my caseload to that of others... hearing criticism from people in the industry. At times, it can be a bit overwhelming. When I get caught up in the stress of therapy life, I need to remember that the only thing that truly matters is how my clients feel. How they feel in my office, the compassion that I show, and the listening ear that I extend to them. All that matters is my ability to assist them in moving toward their goals. What matters is how THEY feel about my therapy. Not other people. Even if you're not an artist (or a therapist, for that matter), I think this lesson applies to everyone. Truly, we need to only care about the people in our lives who support us. Who believe in what we do. When we shift our focus to those who lift us up, the negativity disappears.
Comparison is the death of joy, according to Mark Twain. I'm thinking that he's right. I know I've talked about comparing ourselves to other people here before, but this quote struck me and reminded me of some recent conversations with clients. When we're not where we want to be in life, it's really easy to start comparing ourselves to others. To think that we should be different than we are, to desire so much to be out of our situation and more like others that we see around us. The truth, however, is that everyone is struggling in some aspect of their lives. It's just that some people hide it better than others. If you're not a good hider, you might seem more vulnerable than others. But don't let that fool you. When it comes to wanting to be better, or different, than you are right now think about it this way... the only person you should try to be better than, is the person you were yesterday. You are never going to be able to wave a magic wand and be instantly different. You aren't going to wake up tomorrow morning and be completely changed. Being better than who you were yesterday (whether it involves taking better care of your body, taking better care of the people you care about, being more mindful of the way you speak to yourself) is the only way to make changes. Just one step at a time. Just one moment at a time. Have patience with who you are. Embrace your capability to change. But just be better than who you were yesterday.
