Turn people into trees.

When I go out of town by myself, I always bring my camera. One of the things I enjoy doing most is going for a walk, taking my camera, and photographing things that stand out to me. My most memorable experiences was in Savannah. I gave myself a little challenge to only photograph doors. So with my camera by my side, I walked through the many streets and alleys of the downtown Savannah area looking for doors... bright colors, intricate woodwork, anything that caught my eye. One of my favorites from that experience was a wooden garage door. I actually have it framed here in my office. Whenever I glance at it, I am reminded of that weekend. Just me, my camera, and a morning walk. Appreciating my surroundings, not wishing to change anything about them, taking it all in.

I've always wanted, but never have, challenged myself to photograph people. Just as they are. With no judgments. This morning's quote by Ram Dass has me thinking more and more about it. 

What would happen if we just accepted people as they are without a thought of judging them, wanting to change them, making suggestions for how they could improve themselves (often to our liking)? If you just embraced that every person who walks this planet has something to offer you, if only you were open to receiving it? 

How much less emotional would we be... less anxious about how other people might judge us... less angry when someone doesn't act a way that we'd like them to... less disappointed about the expectations that were not met. This phenomenon of total acceptance and appreciation is absolutely attainable. We just need to open our eyes to the wonders of individuality. Of compassion. Of love. It's okay that you are a little bent because you were stretching to find the sun or that your bark is a little darker than mine. That's what makes you beautiful in our forest.

My goal today is to turn people into trees. I invite you to do the same.

It is what it is.

I've heard a lot of people over the years complain about having a hard life. As if they were victims of circumstance. Instead of seeing opportunities to overcome challenges, they have resigned themselves to suffering through life begrudgingly. I wonder if they realize that it doesn't have to be that way.

Life doesn't have to be difficult.
You don't have to have a negative outlook.
You don't have to be a victim.

One of the most exciting things about being a therapist to be is witnessing change: seeing light bulb moments... noticing the hint of a smile... hearing about the improvement in a relationship. Sometimes, changes take a lot of time. But other changes take nano-seconds to make, and they have the potential to create big differences.

We have one opportunity in this life. Time is going to pass whether we think of life being good or bad. I'm just thinking that it would be a lot easier if decided to make it good. If we decided to view life as an opportunity instead of an obligation, I wonder what kind of a difference it could make.

Not my circus.

Sometimes, it's hard not to be sucked in to the drama that other people create for, and around, themselves. There may even be times when we willing participate in situations like these because people with circus lives are exciting and chaotic. You might think that you can rescue these people by offering advice to their emotional rollercoaster life situations, and end up getting more involved than you ever wanted to in the first place.

Not engaging in another person's circus is important for two reasons: 

1. Let them be the Ring Leader.

Everyone needs to learn to be the Ring Leader of their own circus, and if you are doing the work for them, they'll never learn to tame their tigers.

If you bail someone out financially, they'll never learn the value of a balanced checkbook. If you give in the 6th time someone asks for something, they will continue asking 6 times. If you continue to listen to dramatic life stories, they will continue their pattern of unrealistic life expectations.

2. You have your own circus.

It's important to remember that you have your own circus, and your own monkeys to be tending to... despite trying to take care of someone else's business. No one is going to take care of your business while you are gone, so don't spread yourself too thin getting involved with someone else's stuff.



It might seem selfish at first, but thinking about the extra stress on your own life is not worth the price. Reminding yourself that you are only responsible for your life and the choices that you make, allows your mind to be focused on your goals and can prevent mood shifts when things don't go as planned along the way.

Not your circus... not your monkeys.

It's okay to feel sad.

It's okay to feel sad.
It's okay to not beat yourself up for feeling that way.
Because what you've experienced, that thing that is making you sad, it mattered.
And so do you.
It's okay.

I needed a reminder of this today... maybe you did too.

Save yourself.

I wonder sometimes if we understand the impact of these two statements. What we need to be reminded of frequently is this.

No one is coming to save you.
No one is going to set your goals for you.
No one is going to do your dirty work for you.
No one is going to learn your lessons for you.
No one is going to stand up for you.

You need to learn to do these things for yourself.
No matter how scared you are.
No matter how reluctant you are to do them.
You must.

This life of yours is 100% your responsibility.
It is yours to own.
It is yours to be successful at.
It is yours to build upon.
It is yours to be proud of.
It is yours to learn from.

Acceptance, on life's terms.

Acceptance is the answer to all of my problems today.
When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation --
some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me,
and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation
as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.

Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God's world by mistake.
Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober.
Unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy.

I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world,
as on what needs to be changed in me and my attitudes.

- page 417, Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous



Whether you are familiar with Alcoholics Anonymous or not, I can probably bet that you can identify with acceptance... struggling with finding it, needing to more of it, or being thankful to have some.

Lately, I have been thinking a lot about acceptance because I have been oh so very lucky to have been faced with situations that have completely outside of my control. Isn't it funny that when you find yourself in situations where you know that you have no control, it doesn't stop you from trying to have some? As if it's a challenge to see if you can grab ahold of any...

What's also interesting is that there has been time and time again where if I just let go and practice acceptance, I know what I am so much happier. But somehow, I am not reminded of that until I suffer through the agony of attempting to control that which I know I cannot.

This acceptance reading from the Big Book was introduced to me by therapist friend of mine several years ago, before I really got into my work with substance abuse clients and helping them through their recovery journey. It sucked me in, and hasn't let me go. I remember when I first heard it, thinking that it was the most enlightening thing I had ever heard in my life.

In truth, what grabs me the most from this reading is that I don't need to understand something in order to accept it. Queen of the WHY of life, I want to know everything!!

I want to know why people do things.

Understand their situations..
Their reasons for behavior..
Why they hurt my feelings...
Why they make decisions...
Why they plan their vacations around restaurants...
Why they hate cilantro (an easy answer... because it tastes like soap)

In order for ME to have serenity, I don't need to depend on the OTHER PERSON'S why. 

If I focus on having acceptance about every situation in my life, the shift is on me... my thoughts, my feelings, my behaviors (those things that I control). I bring myself into awareness more. It doesn't matter what you are doing in your life. You may do things that I don't like, and you may hurt my feelings and I may not understand why you do the things that you do. But I don't have to make rash decisions that I may regret down the road.

I am in control of me.

Never let them go.

Can I just say that this is the BEST kind of relationship?! It doesn't happen often, but when it does I want to suffocate it. And I used to. Which was my downfall. I literally never let them go because I was so afraid that if I ever did, I'd lose it. I'd lose them.... that person.

That whole "healthy relationship" thing suggests that you have boundaries and understand that people have to spend time apart... that you have realistic expectations, long-term gratification, and honest communication.

No matter what kind of relationship I'm in, I remember that healthy relationships are built on the premise that I am a complete person myself. And that the other person is a complete person themselves. But that we do some pretty cool stuff together too. Which makes it fun when we're together because we can share and learn and grow from one another's experiences. It means that it's okay if we don't talk every.single.second of the day. It means that it's okay if you hang out with another group of people without me (and that it's okay if I do the same without you).

If the relationships* that you are in with other people right now don't sound familiar to that, I might be able to paint a picture of what they look like...

Relationship #1: Imagine two circles next to one another. They aren't touching. They aren't anywhere near each other. That's you and the person you are in a relationship with. You do your thing. They do their thing. You don't really do anything together. It's not that you dislike the other person, but you just don't have anything in common. Both people want to get along with a minimum amount of involvement, expectation, and pain.

Relationship #2: Imagine two circles inside of one another (kind of like a target). They are consumed in one another. These two people in relationships do everything together, but don't really share any substance. They might meet each other's needs, but do so in unhealthy ways (instant gratification, merged boundaries, isolated social life).

Healthy relationships look a bit like this in circle-land: Imagine two circles. Two circles that overlap slightly. The overlapping part is where our shared interests are. It could be that we both love cupcakes, or that you can't image life without Disney musicals either, but that you just don't have any interest in sewing or glitter. Let's not even talk about the list of things that bore me about your life... ;)

What matters is that when you find yourself in healthy relationships, and with those magical people who just "get you"... your world opens up to laughing until your stomach hurts. Until your face wants to crack in two from smiling so much. Until your heart has so much love in it that it overflows with happiness. 

Never let them go.

*Relationship styles description based on Claudia Black (www.claudiablack.com) who is by FAR one of the most incredible therapists in the world!!!

Enough.

I've been engaging in a lot of comparison conversations lately... with clients, with friends, with co-workers. Comparing ourselves to others. Whether it's about physical attributes, comparing where we are in life to where others are, and so many places in between. I wonder why and how it becomes so easy to look at ourselves and want something different.

Not that are are unappreciative of what we have (though, I guess if we are complaining and comparing, I guess there could be an argument for that) but that we spend so much time noticing other people's light highlights, and negate our own. Truthfully, we have blinders on to not notice that other people have faults and things that they aren't proud of either. 

And let's be honest, social media doesn't really help in that department. Social media is a perfect opportunity to put out there life's highlight reels... while I sit at home, thinking of my reality, I'm reading the things that you WANT me to know. Not the nitty, gritty details of what goes on behind the scenes of your life.

This image above reminds me that I am enough.

I am enough for me.
I am enough for my family.
I am enough for my friends.
I am enough for my job.

I might not be where I want to be physically, emotionally, spiritually, or mentally on some days (or all of them) but I am enough. There are things I want to change and improve, but I need to be okay with where I am... to not beat myself up about who I am today... in order to get to a point where I believe that I am capable of change.

You are enough too.

I've learned.

The poem below is one of my favorites to process because each time I read it, I reflect on it a different way based on my current situation. Depending on my mood, my relationships, and my thoughts, my mind shifts and finds opportunities to identify with different lines.
As you read the poem today, I encourage you to consider that as you "walk through life", what have you learned? 

As I Walk Through Life by Emily Adams 

I've learned-
that you can do something in an instant
that will give you heartache for life.

I've learned-
that you should always leave loved ones with loving words.
It may be the last time you see them.

I've learned-
that you can keep going long after you can't.

I've learned-
that we are responsible for what we do,
no matter how we feel.

I've learned-
that either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I've learned-
that money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I've learned-
that my best friend and I can do anything
or nothing and have the best time.

I've learned-
that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry,
but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I've learned-
that just because someone doesn't love you the way
you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

I've learned-
that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you
every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I've learned-
that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others,
sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I've learned-
that just because two people argue,
it doesn't mean they don't love each other.

I've learned-
that just because two people don't argue,
it doesn't mean they love each other.

I've learned-
that two people can look at the exact same thing
and see something totally different.

I've learned-
that even when you think that you have nothing left to give,
when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.

I've learned-
that we don't have to change friends
if we understand that friends change.

The comfort zone.

Have you ever tried to make a change in your life, worked on it hard for a while, and then before you realized it... you were right back where you started? Engaging in the same behaviors that you did before you committed to yourself that you would not go back? I've seen it happen before -- professionally and personally -- and it sucks. It's truly incredible how we can have to much gusto for making a change in our behaviors, only to see ourselves fall off the proverbial wagon.

I submit we go back to old ways because we desire for our comfort zone.

Making changes takes effort.
Making changes requires dedication.
Making changes takes courage.

Our comfort zone is familiar.
Our comfort zone is, well, comfortable.

The thing is though... our comfort zone leads to complacency, and complacency kills. Complacency keep us stuck in that cycle of self-abuse, in that pattern of negativity and belief that we can't be better than who we are right now. It zaps motivation. It sucks our will for improvement.

In order to fight complacency, don't get lazy with your changes. Don't allow yourself to get bored in new relationships, which makes you want to jump ship and move on. Don't allow yourself to skip a day walking the track. Don't give in to saying yes to one person when you really need to be saying no and be assertive. As soon as you provide an opportunity for your comfort zone to weasel itself back in your life, it's going to get comfy and it's going to be even more difficult to get back on track.

There's a saying in Alcoholics Anonymous that says, "one is too many and a million's not enough". I think it applies to any situation where we have a tendency to indulge. Just don't do it. Don't give in. Stand up for yourself and the new you that you are forming. 

Give or Take?

I thought that relationships were challenging when I was in middle school and part of the triad of best friends (you know, when you have two best friends who are also best friends) or when I was dating someone in 9th grade but neither one of us could drive so it was only dating in the sense that we held hands in between classes and talked on the phone at night. Nothing prepared me for relationships in adulthood. 

Relationships as an adult is hard. Being an adult is difficult, but an adult in a relationship with another adult is difficult because everyone seems to be out for themselves.

What do you have to offer me?
What is so interesting about you that I should spend time with you?
How can our relationship help me?

Friendship, dating, or otherwise, relationships often start out this way... we all want something from them. We want to be accepted, liked, validated, appreciated, and loved. But once we reach a certain point, we need to evaluate whether we are still taking from the relationship or whether we have incorporated, and transitioning into mostly, giving. 

Think for a moment about most of your relationships. (Yes, think about them. I'll be here waiting when you are finished.) Are you a taker? Are you a giver? I'm sure you've read somewhere that people in relationships are opposites... the extrovert attracting the introvert or the person who loves adventure befriending the book nerd who loves staying at home. When it comes to giving and taking, the opposite thing doesn't work. Here's why.

The giver probably loves giving in the relationship... they feel "fed" giving to the taker. But the taker doesn't have anything to offer the giver. Because they just take. Eventually, it gets old. Bitterness, resentment, and loneliness might be feelings that set in for the giver. Because the relationship isn't balanced.

But.

If both people are givers, and are willing to take into consideration the other person's needs and wants, they respond to them equally and both people are "fed". This, I believe, is the success to long-term relationships.... whether they be friendships or marriages.

When I take the focus off of making my own self happy, and focus on creating happiness for the person with whom I am in relationship with... I find that I cannot help but feel happy. And vice versa.

How far.

It's so easy to focus on the frustration of how far you have to go... the disbelief that you may never get to where you want to be... the worry of what will happen next.
 
It's difficult to remember how far you've come... the obstacles that you've overcome... the courage you have acquired along your journey... the strength to endure another day.
 
But.
 
You are not who you used to be.
You are not where you used to be.
You are here.
You are moving forward.

I want to be a bucket filler.



 

 

There are times when we feel worn out, overwhelmed, and stressed... when we feel as though we have nothing else to give. During those times, I'm reminded of an illustration I heard of a few years ago about a bucket. I've used it in group before a million times. It goes something like this.

 

We have a bucket that starts out empty.

 

Positive things...

People we love.

Self-esteem.

Passions we have - things that "feed" us.

Those things contribute to filling the bucket.

 

Negative things...

People who suck us dry

Selfishness

Not standing up for ourselves.

Being overworked in any and/or all areas of our lives.

Those things are holes that are poked into our bucket.

 

It's up to us to decide whether we surround ourselves with more "bucket fillers" or "hole pokers". We have to pay attention to making sure that we don't exhaust our resources before replenishing them. This morning I read an idea that really resonated with me. I feel like I want to tell it to every person I meet today. I feel like I want to take the entire day to stop and think about what it means to me, and put the madness in my life to rest.

 

Give 100% to the most important things,

instead of 20% to everything.

Remember why.

 

I spent Monday and Tuesday at a conference on Jekyll Island. From Valdosta, the drive to Jekyll is a little over two hours, so the time I had in my car provided good thinking time. I was reminded of how many changes I've experienced over the past few months, and took some time to process where I am in the transition and acceptance of these changes. I thought about where I am and where I'd like to be.

During my conference, one of the sections focused on "finding the fire within", and our discussion took me back to my drive over to the island and evaluating if I was where I needed to be at this time in my life. (I love when things happen in my life that are seemingly unrelated come full circle.) As I sat there in our group, I considered my reflection and whether my fire was mere kindling getting started, a roaring fire in flames, or just burning coals.


I thought about why I started.

What do I feel my purpose is?
... as it relates to me.
... as it relates to clients.
... as it relates to the greater good.

Whether we call it a reflection, an evaluation, or an inventory, taking time out every once in a while to assess where you are and WHY you are here is important. Remembering why you started the journey is critical to preventing burn-out of our behaviors. Recalling the "fire" that was ignited that led you to making changes in your life might be just the motivation you need to rekindle the excitement you once had at your job... of a relationship... of exercising.

I once read a quote that said on days when you don't feel like you have anything give, put your hand over your heart. If it's beating, you have a purpose. Now go out, and give your best today.

Why did you start?

Kinder words.

Have you ever been to the hospital and notice that a patient is asked to rate their "discomfort level" instead of their "pain"? Pain is a more powerful word, and even by just thinking about it, people may actually be more sensitive to experience the sensation than being asked to consider their discomfort.

I wonder sometimes if we are truly aware of the words that we use in our daily vocabulary and the impact that they have on our own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors... and those of the people around us. And that if we were to pay attention to them, would we characterize them as being "negative" or "positive"? If you were to be consciously aware of them for a day and tried to think more positively, could you do it?

Here are some examples, along with some alternative options with milder/kinder wording:

- I hate when you leave your dishes in the sink!       - Would you mind putting your dishes in the dishwasher?
- We always have to do things your way.               - I'd like to give some input. I have a few ideas.
- I can't do anything right. I'll never change.            - I know I'll eventually get it right.

Of course, when people talk about positive thinking/talking, I'm not referencing that everything has to be sunshine and rainbows all the time... but there is a clear distinction between negative and neutral/positive. Nobody (including ourselves) want or need to be reminded that we don't measure up to other people. We are already our own biggest critic. We need to be uplifted and encouraged. Using kinder words is a good place to start, especially with our own self-talk.

Win or learn.

You've heard the phrase... win or lose. As I grow through life -- yep, you read correctly, GROW through life -- I've come to realize that it's not about winning or losing. It's not about being right or wrong. It's about learning.

I'm not always going to win. I'm not always going to come out on top. I'm not always going to have all of the answers or get things right the first time.

And that's okay.

Because hopefully.
Hopefully.

Hopefully, I'm going to learn.


During my times of learning, I hope that I will capture small nuggets of information that I will be able to carry with me on my journey and apply during occasions where I am faced with similar challenges and struggles. I hope that there will be opportunities for growth. And that I will learn lessons so that I will make better decisions.

During my times of winning, I hope that I will have a sense of humility to be happy for myself but not proud. And to not forget that although I may be winning this time, that just around the corner is an opportunity begging for a chance to allow me to learn. Or that I was milliseconds away from learning instead of winning.

Win or learn. But never lose.

Will this matter?

In different periods of my life, I've seen this question and considered its meaning as I think about the stress of my current situation and worries on my mind. Sometimes, the answer is a loud, resounding "NO" while other times, there is a puzzling "maybe?"

I like to keep the question close by in my thoughts, and pull it out of my resource tool-box to use on those occasions when I need a reality check over something I have been keeping in my mind over and over. Asking yourself "Will this matter a year from now?" might be a great way to help you in clearing out some brain clutter that you've been carrying around with you that no longer serves you any purpose.

**Okay, fine. I'll stop here for a second. Yes, a resource tool-box. You don't have one of those? Yes, it's imaginary. But yes, it's the coolest thing ever. It's got all sorts of things I use to help me figure things out when I need help... a stop sign for when I need to stop my negative thoughts... a set of pom-poms when I need to be my own cheerleader... you get the idea.**

I wonder what would happen if we approached everything we did today with a "will it matter" attitude. If someone cuts us off on the highway... the lunch that we have with friends... the decision to blow off going to the gym after work... spending that extra minute on the phone with your kid. Sometimes, the experiences that we have really DON'T matter in life, and we need to let them go. But sometimes they really DO.

The power of compliments.

Do you ever have difficulty accepting compliments?

Oh, this old thing?

It's no big deal...

Really, I didn't mind.

Take a few minutes, and allow these words to sink in. I promise you might try looking at compliments differently.

When people take the time to give compliments, it's not like they're giving them out with hidden agendas.... but I wonder why we are so apt to push them down instead of accepting them. If someone wants to let you know that they like your new shirt (regardless of whether you bought it on clearance), or if you saved them a seat at the movie theater (even if the rest of the seats were empty) or if they mentioned you did a great job on a project at work (that took you all of 5 minutes to prepare for) -- say thank you.

As the video explains, "Accepting compliments doesn't mean that you are arrogant or conceded, it is healthy for both you and your relationship by validating your partner's thoughts." Whether in dating/marital relationships, friendships, families, work, or even stranger relationships... the next time you are offered a compliment, accept it graciously with a thank you.

Let's get uncomfortable together.

The Hole, by Portia Nelson

Chapter I

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost ... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.

Chapter II

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place
but, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter III

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in ... it's a habit.
my eyes are open
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter IV

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter V

I walk down another street.

This fabulous poem written by Portia Nelson is epically one of the best portrayals of the stages of change. For me, as a visual person, I can close my eyes and imagine a person (most often as I imagine this story, it's of myself) walking down a street and falling in. Falling in a hole and freaking out. Grasping for straws. Wondering how in the world this all happened? Who pushed me in? How did I get here?  Never once (or at least very rarely) stopping to consider what I did, to bring myself to the place where I am at the current moment.

Today, I am reminded that I walk down a street. Everyday. And I make a choice on whether I fall into potholes, whether I walk around them, or whether I choose to walk down streets that are smoothly paved. If I fall into a pothole, I recognize that I need to take responsibility for getting there... which means that I need to also take responsibility for getting out too.

Sometimes in life we develop unhealthy habits that are difficult to break. Sometimes we find ourselves not really wanting to break them. 

Because they are comfortable.

They might not really serve us. But they are comfortable. And breaking those habits would mean that we have to learn new ways of living our lives.

Outside of our comfort zones.

Living uncomfortably means... change. Ewwww. I said change. 

But change can be beautiful. Change can be wonderful. Change can be the most exciting thing that you've ever done before. But until you take a chance to get uncomfortable and live outside of your comfort zone, you won't ever get there.

So let's get uncomfortable together.

I'm ready... what about you?

The strength to endure.

Last fall, I worked with a college student who introduced me to this quote. Through the process of working together, we discovered that her hang-up was avoidance... avoiding conflict, avoiding her past, avoiding her mental health issues, avoiding school. She wanted the easy way out. And what she discovered was that it was impossible. What she discovered was that trying to find the easy way out created a hard way.

I wonder if times we all get caught up in wanting the easy life. Maybe not the easy way out of trials and tribulations, but the easy life... an easy-going child instead of one that demands a lot of attention... an easy job instead of one that requires a lot of mental strain... an easy spouse instead of one that requires assertive communication and compromise... an easy dog instead of one that requires all of the destoyable items in the house to be out of its reach.

The truth is, that child that demands a lot of attention will eventually leave your home and be out on their own before you know it (and you'll long for those days of playing dolls with them on the playroom floor), that mental strain job that demands energy might be more rewarding than you give it credit for, that spouse who requires assertive communication and compromise will stay with you through thick and thin, and the dog that destroys everything... well, three out of four isn't bad. :)

Instead of praying for an easy life, we should pray for the strength to endure a difficult one. For difficult lives teach us lessons and can be even more enjoyable than easy ones. If I got everything that I wanted, I know that I most certainly wouldn't be appreciative of everything that I have.

I guess that means that since I don't have an easy life, I must be building up strength...

What would you say?

When the class of 2014 graduated from Warren Easton Charter High School a few weeks ago in New Orleans, Sandra Bullock gave the commencement speech. Sandra has been deeply involved in the church after saving it following Hurricane Katrina. After reading her words, I felt moved to share them this morning...

Bullock opened her speech by saying that was trying to remember her graduation and, oddly, she couldn't remember anything. She remembered how good she looked and then she went back and looked at pictures and she really didn't look so good. She didn't remember anything, because she was so worried about the future. Someone recently asked her, "If you could go back and talk to your younger self, what would you say?" 

"What I would tell my 4-year-old son is what I wish someone would have told me before I stepped out in the world."

She then shared a few key lessons with the graduating class.

1. Stop worrying so much. Stop being scared of the unknown because anything I worried about didn't happen. Other stuff happened but not what I worried about. The unknown we can't do anything about.

2. Raise the bar higher. For some reason, people out there want to see you fail but that's not your problem — that's their problem. I only remember the moments when I tried beyond what I thought I could do, and I do not remember the failures because I didn't. Nothing is a failure. It's just not supposed to work out that way because something better is supposed to come along.

3. You have to dance a little bit in the morning before you leave the house because it changes the way you walk.

4. Eat something green every day, with every meal. Eating green things is good... even for adults.

5. Do not pick your nose in public. How about we don't pick it in private either. It might take a bit more effort to get a tissue, but it gets the job done right away and there is no public humiliation and that can go with a lot of other things as well.

6. When someone you care about hugs you, hug them back with two arms. When you hug someone with two arms, it allows you to lean on somebody and you always need someone to lean on.

7. If someone doesn't want to play with you, it's OK. Not everyone is going to love us. Go find someone who is going to want to play with you and appreciates what you have to offer.

8. Go find your joy. Whatever that is, go find your joy. Are you going to have a good day or are you going to have a great day? Because it's completely up to you. It's what you're going to remember in the end. You're not going to remember how you worried, the what-ifs, the whys, or who wronged you. It's the joy that stays with you.