This message is so powerful by itself, I don't even need to provide thoughts. I wish more women, girls, and even men would realize this. Confidence, and beauty, comes from within. It comes from believing in yourself as YOU see the person that you are.
Early into my therapy career, I learned that I could take songs and create groups from them. One of the first music therapy groups I facilitated (with the help of my amazing supervisor at the time) was processing the song "Moments" by Emerson Drive. It was a song I had heard once or twice, but not being a country music listener I hadn't had much exposure. After hearing the song for the first time, I was hooked, and have regularly used these lyrics in music therapy groups throughout the years.
As I consider life's "moments", I'm reminded of my own and how they've shaped who I am as a person today... moving across the state for college, ending a best friendship, getting married, letting go of unhealthy relationships, taking risks for my career. Each moment has both positively shaped by life and created consequences that cannot be changed. I also think of events to come, the reality of losing people who are close to me and having to find a "new normal". The above quote about life's moments being divided into "before this" and "after this" is so true as I consider who I was before and after difficult and life-changing events. Often times we don't realize the impact of a life decision... things can turn out much better or much worse than we'd imagined in our minds. No matter the outcome, I've learned to embrace the decisions that I make. Or, I'm at least working to embrace them. I'm learning that I make decisions based on the person I am today, not the person that I will become... and that as a result, I need not punish myself down the road if a decision or choice turned out badly. I'm also learning to be at peace about decisions that were made by others and affected me on the resulting end. For the most part, I'm learning that we all do the best we can given a particular situation.
There are times when we need reminders to do what we can for other people, but not to the extent of losing ourselves in the process. Admittedly, this has always been a challenge for me. Although I consider myself a selfish person when it comes to doing things for myself and on my own, I know that a bigger part of myself gives to others... and at times it can be difficult to find that balance. If you find yourself to be a giving person as well, when was the last time you evaluated the balance between giving to others and giving to yourself? Oftentimes I don't take inventory until I'm exhausted... which kind of defeats the purpose of doing so. It's healthy to take inventory on a regular basis. To think about how much you give and if you're doing so for the right reason and within the limits of healthiness. To think about how much you are loving and whether your heart is being protected. To think about how much you trust and to be sure that you're not putting yourself out there too much. To think about how much you listen, but to still maintain your own opinions. The last thing that any of us needs to to become burned out. Burn-out leads us to pulling back from everything in an effort of self-preservation... because we've given out too much and as a result, we're feeling depleted. If you see that happening for you, perhaps you could pull back a little bit. Say no to things that aren't fulfilling you in the way you need them to be. Evaluate your inner circle and determine who is worthy of staying. Set limits and boundaries for yourself regarding your time, talent, and abilities.
Give what you can. Love with safety. Trust who is worthy. Listen, but stay true to you.
It's easy to let people make decisions for you. It's easy to say nothing and let the chips fall as they may. It's easy to take a back seat and allow someone else to direct your life. But that isn't fair. It isn't fair for you to not stand up for yourself. For you to accept things as they are. To allow things to "just happen". Be active in your pursuit for happiness. Be aware of people, places, and things. Be vigilant in deciding who and what stays in your life. Don't be afraid to let things go. You are the CEO of your life. It's up to you on deciding how you live. Don't blame. Don't allow others to do things for you. Own your life.
I know what it's like because I see it every day. The hope that something might get better.... the vulnerability when expressing feelings... the goals being set in an effort to improve. I see it, but I know that you may not. If you know and love someone with depression, you may miss those things. You might see isolation... negative talking... pity parties. But it's not always like that. This is what people with depression want you to know. If you know someone who is struggling, don't shy away from them. Embrace them. Encourage them. Let them know that you care.
Years ago, in the aisle of Books-a-Million where you find self-help books, I plopped myself down and dragged my fingers along the book spines of literature offering support and help for life's woes. Depression... anxiety... unhealthy relationships... anger... co-dependence. Among them, a small yellow jacketed book stood out to me, and it changed me. The Velveteen Principles - A Guide to Becoming Real
Within the pages of this book, I was reminded of the childhood tale of the Velveteen Rabbit, the struggle the rabbit had for maintaining a connection with the boy as he ages, and of wanting to become a real rabbit and play in the garden and meadows. With the wise words of the skin horse, the rabbit realizes that being real isn't the end journey... it's a process in life to become who we are. So often in life we compare ourselves to others... regarding money, popularity, relationships, and other privileges. We see ourselves as not good enough, always wanting more, oftentimes not taking the time to realize that we have just what we need or that it's not our time yet to receive the goodness that life has in store. In the process of wanting to be like others, we tend to dilute ourselves... we mix in the generic-ness of other people and fade away the things that make us unique. One of my favorite lessons in The Velveteen Principles is that being "real" and authentic to ourselves means that we don't have to live the way that everyone else lives. In fact, it's the cornerstone of being real. It means being honest, and grateful, being flexible, and emotional. Being real is feeling our feelings and thinking our thoughts, and not being afraid of who we are. If you're feeling a little fake... a little generic... and desire to become something more, I encourage you to check this book out. The link above takes you to the listing on Amazon, and even a brief look inside the pages brings insight if you choose not to purchase it.
I love this analogy of the bricks. I've heard something like it before related to letting go of your past... how heavy the bricks are that we carry but we don't realize their weight until we've dropped them. But using the bricks to build the same house? This is a new one, and it's golden. It's easy to get stuck in the same holding pattern for life. No matter how much we say we might want to change, our gut tends to go with the familiar. Even if the familiar is unhealthy and toxic. Which, to me, is why accountability is so important. Sharing your frustrations, worries, goals, and aspirations with other people so they can call you on your stuff. So they can help remind you of not repeating the past. So they can help remind you of doing bigger and better things. Letting someone in on your desires to change not only provides accountability, but it also builds in support for when the days are challenging and you feel like you can't keep going. It provides reassurance that you're doing a good thing. Nothing is better than hearing the words, "You've got this!" and knowing that it's heart-felt. The familiar is just that.... familiar. And if we do what we've always done, we're going to get what we've always gotten. Drop the bricks. Let go of that heavy load. Build a fresh new house with beautiful, healthy bricks.
When I worked at the hospital, a popular group to generate insight was "I've Got A Lot on My Plate" which involved a worksheet I created with a simple drawing of a plate on it, whereby I would encourage group members to write things down that contributed to feelings of being overwhelmed, emotionally spent, frustrated, and exhausted. After some silent working time, we'd process the items... identifying what each person could do to remove items off of their plate, invite other people to help with responsibilities, or setting goals on overcoming these issues. To me, it helps to put things down on paper as a physical representation of what is swarming around in my mind. Now that I am in private practice and no longer leading groups, I tailor this discussion for an individual therapy session... but it's no less useful. In fact, during an individualized discussion there's bound to be more talk about the silent fears of giving up stressors, frustrations about not being able to let go of things, and discussion on how to address each item. We talk about whether they need to change their perspective on stress, or if they need to change their behaviors by saying no, setting boundaries, etc. A common answer, and one that I've given lately regarding my own stress level is.... I don't want to give up anything. I think there are times when we have the perception of thriving during stressful situations. The perception being that waiting until the last minute generates some kind of hidden power to tackle everything at once. And while the feeling of accomplishment is great when it's over, I have to wonder sometimes if the pain is worth the price. To me, it's not worth the mental anguish. The feeling of rush and worry. The exhaustion of all-nighters. The disconnect with family because of staying up late at night or avoiding others to finish projects on time. If you need to break up with the stress in your life, join me in a personal pursuit to set boundaries, to seek out happiness, to breathe more calmly, to relax and reduce tension.\ Dear Stress, Let's break up. It's not you... it's me. I'm worth more than how you make me feel.
