The Day I Cried In Therapy

Ask anyone who knows me, and they'll tell you that I'm a crier. I can't help it.... I'm emotional. The thing is, crying isn't only for when I'm sad. I cry when I'm angry. When I'm overwhelmed.

Some clients that I see apologize for crying in my office, as if crying is a sign of weakness. They grab a tissue or two (the good Kleenex kind, not the stiff, cardboard kind) and wipe their face before any tears have an opportunity to drip down and water-stain their clothes. It amazes me when clients tell me that they CAN'T cry, as if their bodies don't understand the incredibly awesome power that crying has.

*This is where I tell you about the day I cried in therapy.* 

A few months ago, when I was still working for the hospital, I was doing group therapy with my clients one morning. (An interesting aside about the hospital is that people are always coming and going, so at times it's difficult to get a really good group going because everyone is new and shy to really talk about their deep issues.) On the day that I'm referring to, I had a great group of clients who had worked with one another (and me) for awhile. I can't really remember the specific nature of our group topic, but it was something about feeling as though you had a purpose beyond what you thought you wanted at the time (instant gratification versus delayed gratification, making changes in recovery). Several clients that I worked with struggled with shame and guilt, and working through the challenges of trying to become a different person while dealing with their past.

Unknown to me consciously, I was dealing with my own issues about this topic. The day before I had had a really good conversation with some friends of mine about my purpose regarding my job, and thinking that I had things worked out and a plan... only to be led in a completely different direction (and all of the negative thoughts and feelings that go along with this kind of situation). During the middle of group, it was like the stars aligned in my mind that this topic... this group topic I was leading for my clients... had nothing to do with them. And everything to do with me. And I couldn't keep myself under control. 

I cried.

I cried in therapy.

I cried in therapy with my clients.

I cried for them. I cried for myself. I cried because I saw their purpose, their purpose to be so much more than they saw for themselves. I cried because I believed in them even when they didn't believe in themselves. I cried for myself, because I knew that there was a purpose for my life beyond the walls of that hospital. And with the exception of that last sentence, that's what I told them through my teary eyes.

And then I realized that I was crying in group. Um.... that's not supposed to happen. :)

"Kelly, there's no crying in group", said one of the clients channeling his best Tom Hanks voice from the movie A League of Their Own. All of the clients laughed. I could tell that they had no idea what to do. Or what to think.

Their.therapist.was.crying.in.group.

I have to admit, that was one of the best groups I've ever led. My monologue through tears turned into a wonderful process discussion about belief in oneself, the importance of having others believe in you, and how to find a sense of purpose in their new life of recovery. More than one client approached me after group and thanked me for my openness to be vulnerable in front of them. We talked about the incredible power of tears, and how crying doesn't mean that we are weak, but rather a sign that we have been strong for too long. We talked about the biological power of crying, and the release of endorphins in your brain when you cry.

That was my first, and only time that I have cried in therapy.

And I don't regret it one bit.

If you ever feel like crying, do it. Cry because you are happy. Cry because you are sad. Cry because you are angry... or overwhelmed... or disappointed... or confused. Cry, and don't feel ashamed by it. Know that crying is healthy. In my opinion, it's one of the best coping skills we have.