We all know that person... the person who complains all the time, the one who never seems to be happy, who seems to sabotage their success in life. To be honest, it can be draining to be around people continuously remind themselves of their failures and misfortunes. As a therapist, it can be a challenge to move someone through changing self-talk which can often be so ingrained into their thinking.
Sometimes, though, we're the misery person. We're the person who thinks in the gutter, the one who reminds others of our negative plot in life, the one who tells the same misfortune story over and over. We proudly wear the badge that says that we've been shafted in life.
Some people I come across say that they are sick and tired of being sick and tired... but when it comes to making changes, they don't. They say that they can't. (I think it's more of a "won't".) But, some people just aren't ready. They're not ready to take responsibility. To make an effort to do something different. To examine their own behaviors objectively. To set goals and working toward them.
In order to fix this misery thought pattern, I encourage clients to do three things: be aware of thoughts and feelings, stop making excuses, and take responsibility.
1. Awareness of thoughts and feelings. Internally, we all have a monologue of thoughts.... "I'm not pretty/smart/capable/athletic/sexy/confident enough." We also tend to compare ourselves to other people, typically those who ARE pretty/smart/capable. Oftentimes, we are completely oblivious to what we tell ourselves. When we slow down and pay attention to this mental messages, we may realize how harsh we are to ourselves. I think about it this way... would you ever speak the messages that you tell yourself to someone that you care about?
2. Stop making excuses. The truth is, we do the things that we WANT to do. If I really want to lose weight, I'll get up at 5:00 and go to the gym... if I don't, I'll continue to stay up late, make excuses for being tired in the morning, and continue talking/thinking negatively about my body. Whether it's losing weight, wanting another job, finding a new place to live, or setting boundaries with family..... if you want it bad enough, you'll find a way. You'll stop making excuses. You'll set small goals that get you closer to the prize.
3. Take responsibility. With the exception of people who are diagnosed with major depression issues, I truly think that we determine our happiness. As a therapist, I know that neurotransmitters in our brains can impact our happiness, but I also know that there are things that we do that contribute to overall feelings of happiness and misery. Natural endorphins are released when we exercise, for example. Taking responsibility means that we need to take ownership of our life... stop blaming other people for why we are the way we think/feel/act. Blaming other people takes the responsibility off of us, and we tend to remain in a victim mindset.
I know that it's a challenge to change. It can be very difficult to consciously think about the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that we engage in each day. We have to make concerted efforts to be mindful. I know that it's easy to stay stuck. To stay comfortable. To complain about the lot we've been given in life. We like people to sympathize with us... to join us in misery... because we don't like being alone. Imagine how much could change if we put that same amount of effort and energy into being happy.
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