Some people crave relationships, and need them.
Others enjoy relationships, and want them.
There is a difference.
A long time ago, I remember doing a group on health relationships. I don't know why the CHEEZIEST phrase came to mind, but it did. "I have to be a healthy 'me' before I can be part of a healthy 'we'." As much as it makes me want to roll my eyes, it has so much truth to it.
If I want to attract healthy people... healthy being solid in emotions, thinking, boundary-setting, etc... I need to be that way myself. If I am struggling with emotional manipulation or dramatic thinking, the only people who will be attracted to me will be others who identify with those traits or those who feed off of them. Until I can get myself together, embracing who I am as an individual, I'm not really good for anyone else. I need opportunities to make decisions based on my thoughts and feelings, need chances to make mistakes and learn how to overcome them on my own, need to understand my worth as an individual and not part of a couple.
Only then.
Only then can I truly be prepared to feel comfortable enough within myself to believe that I don't need a relationship to make or keep me happy, but that a relationship would enhance the happiness I already have.
I had a conversation with a client the other day about love. She was talking about being frustrated with being in one relationship after another and wondering what the point of dating was... wondering if she would ever find the one... wondering if the concept of the one exists.
My response to her statements and questions surprised me.
I told her that I wasn't sure that there was only one the one out there, and that I think that there are people that we have in our lives that we fall in love with at different times in our lives and for different reasons. We further discussed that this could be why we never forget about our "first love" because of the newness of the feelings and experiences, but that when you develop a mature loving relationship you wonder how you could have ever felt that way about someone else before. We truly can't compare any type of love, because they are all so unique and special to us -- all for different reasons, all carrying their own set of thoughts and feelings with them. We had a really good discussion about relationships in general, about love with dating, friendships, and family.
And of course, like I always do, the theme of that session stuck with me.
I started reflecting on my own relationships, past and present, and thinking about why I love (and have loved) each person in my life...
- I love B because he has supported every decision I've made, whether or not he's liked it.
- I love J because she never judges me and always helps me develop a plan of action.
- I love T because we have incredible respect for one another and I can't help but smile when I see him.
- I love M because she took me under her wing during college, and has turned into one of my dear friends.
- I love S because no matter how much time passes between our lunches, we always pick up right where we left off.
- I love D because he makes me laugh. All the time. Without fail.
I used to think that the words "I love you" could only be reserved for critical people. That simply isn't true anymore. It felt weird at first -- saying I love you to friends -- but the more and more that I say it, the better it feels; the more confidence I have letting the people I care about know how much they mean to me.
I think that we don't have just one the one... rather, we have many ones who we fall in love with. Whether it's their throw-the-head-back laughter, their passion for life, their courage to face life's challenges... whatever it is. Fall in love with it. Because you aren't the same without it being present in your life. There are all kinds of love in this world, but never the same love twice.
When someone asks you about yourself, what are you most inclined to tell them? Admittedly, I go right for the occupation, and inevitably find myself stuck in a conversation about being a therapist. Which I do love discussing. But sometimes... sometimes, I want to talk about my loves. Of craftiness, of cupcakes, of surprises, of staying up way too late to finish my most recent favorite novel.
I wish that people could see what other people see in them.
I wish that we could create a magic mirror that could show all of the awesomeness that we have for real, all of the zany and funky things that make us laugh and be lovable to the people that love us. To the people who find us special. To the people who take time from their day to think about us.
When we are struggling, we get so caught up in who we think we are (or rather, who we think we aren't). We are worthless. We aren't good enough. We will never get anywhere. We pay attention to the negatives. We completely ignore any semblance of positives... any accomplishments that we've made before in our lives, to remind us that if we have done it before than we are capable, perhaps, of a comeback.
I can see it in you.
You are capable.
I know it.
Because you are where you are going...
I hear a lot of people waiting.
Waiting for other people to start, and then joining in efforts to change.
Waiting for opportunities to join in once things have already begun to roll.
The truth is that change needs to begin with us.
Change can begin with you, can be seen by others in you and be magnified.
So don't wait another second.
Don't wait for a cause to take action.
Begin today.
Awaken yourself.
Eliminate the dark and negative in yourself.
Begin your own self-transformation.
If I did that, and if you did that, and if all of us did that... imagine the difference it would make. All of us working on awakening ourselves and eliminating our darkness. Imagine how much more light we could make.
I've been staring at this quote for a while with nothing in mind to type.
I just like it.
I like it because I've been trying to do this more.
For much too long, I've gotten caught up in the "why" of things, or more honestly... in the "why not". Why we can't do something, why we shouldn't do that. Why we need to do this instead or plan more and do something later. I want to be more spontaneous with my life. I want to LIVE more.
I want to do more things because I want to... and who cares about the "why". Because I said so, if you really need a reason. I want to do things because they make me smile. I want to make other people that mean a lot to me to feel special. And I want to do fun things. I don't want to look back and regret the time I didn't spend nurturing relationships, having fun, and spreading my love to those who are deserving of it.
I want to live out loud, and I invite you to do the same.
