Have you ever heard of the 5 Love Languages? If you have, you know that it's awesome. If you haven't, I encourage you to take a few minutes (really, it's just about 5-7 minutes) and take the online test, which reveals some pretty insightful stuff... mainly, the language in which you share your love to others. Even though the creators offer up 5 languages (Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch) I personally think they are GRAVELY missing a very important language of love. The language of food. According to the 5LL, my main language is Words of Affirmation which I incredibly agree with, but I would submit that if food were added, it would be a top contender. I love sharing food with others, get excited about inviting friends over for meals, and get over-the-moon thrilled when I make special treats for special friends. If I had it my way (including a maid to keep my house clean all the time) I would invite friends over every weekend for cook-outs and parties. There is something wonderful about sharing love and laughter with friends over BBQ chicken and macaroni and cheese.... the family-style meals where we pass the dishes to one another over the table. Big smiles and big plates. No one leaving hungry. Sharing joys and sorrows. Sharing love. Food equals love to me. If I feed you, I love you. I remember a few years ago, one of my best friends and I planned a dinner party with friends. I planned the perfect menu for weeks, made the shopping list down to the aisle, and we had the best day cooking together before the dinner. That day equaled love. Love means showing people that you care about them. Love doesn't always mean presents. Loves doesn't always mean spending money. Love means sharing stories and laughing until your cheeks hurt. And sometimes, love means eating until your belly button pops out.
A Mighty Girl is the name of a group on Facebook (and possibly a website too) that is a resource site for the empowerment of girls. They offer books, movies, toys, etc. that focus on strong, confident, and courageous female characters both fictitious and throughout history. About a week ago, I saw this excerpt from Kelly Flanagan focused on beauty, and loved the way he turned around media's word choices into something more meaningful. .........
"When you have a daughter, you start to
realize she's just as strong as everyone else in the house -- a force to
be reckoned with, a soul on fire with the same life and gifts and
passions as any man," writes dad and psychologist Kelly Flanagan
in a heartfelt letter addressed to his young daughter. "But sitting in
this store [makeup] aisle, you also begin to realize most people won't
see her that way. They'll see her as a pretty face and a body to enjoy.
And they'll tell her she has to look a certain way to have any worth or
influence.
But words do have power and maybe, just maybe, the
words of a father can begin to compete with the words of the world.
Maybe a father's words can deliver his daughter through this gauntlet of
institutionalized shame and into a deep, unshakeable sense of her own
worthiness and beauty."
Flanagan goes on to give, as he writes,
"a radically different meaning" to the words often used in beauty
advertisements such as brilliant strength, age-defying, and flawless
finish. And, he assures his daughter, "Little One, you love everything
pink and frilly and I will surely understand if someday makeup is
important to you." However, he appeals to her, "I pray three words will
remain more important to you -- the last three words you say every
night, when I ask the question: 'Where are you the most beautiful?'
Three words so bright no concealer can cover them. Where are you the
most beautiful? On the inside."
.........
The Huffington Post blog recently published Flanagan's entire article, which I encourage you to read. It's incredible. I wish that every father had these wishes for his daughter(s). That every father had this type of relationship and love for his daughter to have these dreams and desires for her to be strong in these ways.
And truly, even though you are not his daughter, I believe that you can learn from his words. Words that speak truth. Words that encourage you to have brilliant strength, empowerment to dream, to take risks in being vulnerable, have grace for others and yourself, an ageless soul, and big love. It's interesting to think about how different things would be in this world if we had different messages giving powerful suggestions day in and out... suggestions of how things should be, of how we should think or how we should do.
I'd like to think that if we just paused for a moment to consider how much better it would be, and made a decision to be a little kinder to ourselves, then the possibility of making it happen just got that much more real. Where are you the most beautiful? On the inside.
I heard this message yesterday. I wanted more. I jotted down a few words, knowing that I would lose them if I just listened. I wanted more. The message was on allowing your light to shine, and a little exercise was offered that I thought was a great idea. I invite you to consider completing it yourself, as I have considered doing so as well. Part One: Make a list of 10 things that you do not like. It can be individual items, concepts, worldly things. Any 10 things of which you dislike. Part Two: Make a list of 10 things that you like. Again, it can be individual items, concepts, ideas... any 10 things which you enjoy. The outcome of the exercise, the take-home message, is to fill your life engaging in and surrounding yourself with the things on your second list. For you will find that in doing so, you will invite happiness into your life moreso than spending time around your first. When I said that I wanted more, I looked up Nelson Mandela's quote, and I found that this small, but profound statement comes within a much more compelling grouping of words. I'd like to share them with you here... "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." I got the more that I wanted. Holy cow. I had never thought of it that way. It had never occurred to me to consider things in this way. Holding things back doesn't help. Reserving parts of me doesn't fulfill the purpose that I have for my life and the greater good of this world. Letting my light shine means doing so at full blast, not at a "barely glowing" flame that I probably share with others... whether it's because I don't want to seem showy or because I am shy or because I'm tired or a host of other reasons. If I'm going to shine my light, I need to do it with gusto. And so do you.
I first time I ever really remember getting picked on was in elementary school. I can describe everything. I can close my eyes and imagine it like it was yesterday... the playground, the dark wood chips underneath my feet, my friends and I pretending that we were Shiloh Generals cheerleaders. "Who rocks the house, the Shiloh Generals rock the house, and when they rock the house they rock it all the way down." I could do the cheer for you right now if I could come through the computer screen. And while I can't remember her name, I will never forget her words.
"You're too fat to ever be a cheerleader."
Almost 30 years later, those words still affect me. Whenever I see a cheerleader, my brain takes me back to that playground. Even if just for a nanosecond. I know, rationally, that little girl had no idea that her words would stick with me. But they have. Through middle school and high school, I hated cheerleaders with a passion. Rolled my eyes when I was around them. Befriended very few of them, if I'm being honest. (Okay, if I'm being more honest, I will admit that I've watched countless cheerleading competitions on ESPN though, so I'm not sure psychologically where that puts me on the spectrum of having issues....)
When people are mean to us, their desire is to get a reaction. To assert control over our emotions. They want us to get upset about what they have said... to get worked up, and respond (fueling their fire). We may also turn inward, and evaluate who we are -- looking for ways that we need to change. Perhaps if we did THIS or worked on THAT, then maybe we would be more accepted by a particular individual or group. The truth is this. The mean things that people say to us don't have anything to do with us. The mean things aren't a reflection of us and what we need to change. Rather, it's a reflection on the person doing the talking. It's a reflection of their character.... and how they find fulfillment in putting people down in order to help themselves feel better. The next time someone says something hurtful to you, remind yourself that it has nothing to do with you. And everything to do with them. Remind yourself of how wonderful you are. How strong you are. How aware you are of your strengths, as well as the things that you'd like to improve about yourself (it's good to have balance). Remind yourself of your support system, and that you have people who care about you. Think about the things that you enjoy doing. Try not to allow the hurtful things that other people say to take away from the positives that you have in your life.
"I'm beautiful, strong, independent. I can be whoever I want to." "I don't need anything... that's just who I am. That's, like, empowering." Beauty is certainly a state of mind, as Dove's slogan suggests. When it's your state of mind against the beauty of what is staring back at you in the mirror, however, we tend to be harsh critics. I stumbled upon this video today, and love it. I'm a fan of Dove's message and have viewed several different videos, but I particularly like the psychology behind the patch and the video diaries... how the progression of the videos caught glimpses of change in each participants' language and feelings about herself. It goes to show that change in self-confidence isn't instant. It's not an overnight thing. Confidence is progressive, and takes time to develop. A little catch of your eye, here.... a comment from someone, there. Belief in yourself, appreciation for yourself, and acceptance of yourself are so important whether you are 10, 30, or 80. When we love ourselves, it's easier for us to allow others to do the same.
