Some day.

I found what I was looking for. 
I was so happy.
And then it was ripped away from me with absolutely no warning.
Blindsided couldn't have been a better description.


I'll be honest... it really sucks. Like, really. Really, really, really. At the time, I was devastated. It consumed my thoughts. It was all I wanted to talk about. And in the same breath, I didn't want to talk about it at all. It was all I could do to force myself to engage in conversation about other things. Consumed is the only word that is appropriate. I felt like no one else in the entire world understood what I was going through, even if they said that they did. I felt angry, hurt, lost, and alone.

I had to adjust.
I had to move on.
I had to forgive.
I had to figure out a game plan.
I had to find something else to look for. 
Something better.

-------------

Have you ever been in a situation where you have really wanted something, and have searched and searched earnestly for it? Maybe you finally found it, only to realize that it wasn't all that you hoped it would be. Or maybe you felt that pull of something telling you that something better was out there in the world.

I think there are times in life that we get these messages (perhaps from Above, perhaps from the universe, whatever you believe) that tell us to be cautious about decisions that we make in life. I don't know about you, but I am an excited decision-maker. I like to think about the benefits of things and don't always spend as much time as I need to on the liabilities of choices. 

-Leaving Valdosta to drive to Atlanta at 3:00 just in time for rush-hour.
-Deciding to bake homemade bread at 10:00 at night.
-Agreeing to a speaking arrangement even though I have 264 other things going on.

*I think we all know there are other examples I could have used, but that would have been WAY too personal. :)*

I think that there are times when we get so fixated on the things that WE want for our lives, that we don't see opportunities that open around us that could be just as good, if not better, than the ones we have set for ourselves. We get fixated on these things that we ignore the flashing red lights and the stumbling blocks that are placed in our ways (that are meant to steer us in different directions). In essence, we become stubborn. And so when things don't pan out for us the way we want them to (a la, my example from above) we are torn and shattered and feel as though we are defeated.

What happens though, is this.

When the dust settles, you stand yourself back up.
Brushing the dirt off, you are a new person.
A new person who has a new skill set.
A new person who has a new layer of skin.
A new person who has survived what they thought they wouldn't be able to survive.

And in that newness, you are open to find something much greater than what you were looking for to begin with.

Make peace.

Making peace with your past is so much easier said than done. "Making" is a present-tense, action verb... which takes time, effort, and energy to achieve. The word "making" means that we have to DO something in order for it to happen. As in, we have to face our skeletons.

But what if you don't want to face your skeletons? Can you still make peace with your past? I'll submit to you that unfortunately, I don't think that you can. In my work with clients, the only time I've seen them be successful with their recovery journey is if they are completely honest with themselves and willing to be honest with others about their past... in facing their issues, making peace, and letting go.

Making peace with your past, to me, means that you are willing to face your past with a clear and open mind. It means that you are open to hearing perspectives from others who might have helpful thoughts to assist you in finding peace. Making peace does not mean that you need to put yourself back into harm's way by inviting negativity back into your life (especially when it comes to unhealthy relationships) but that when you consider past events, that you no longer carry anger with you; instead, you have neutral feelings about the situation.

Making peace and letting go does not mean that what occurred in your past was okay.
Making peace with your past means that you are no longer allowing it to control your thoughts.
Making peace means that you are taking back control of your life.
Making peace that you no longer need to fill a void.
Making peace means that you are free.

How You Made Them Feel.

Without having ever known her, Maya Angelou made me feel loved. Through her words, she made me feel as if life is worth living if I just keep putting one foot in front of the other and that no matter what happened, everything is going to turn out okay. I can't tell you the number of times I clipped out a quote of hers from a magazine over the years, read a book she wrote and was lead to tears, or read an article or listened to an interview of her and was mesmerized by her wisdom.

One of my favorite Maya Angelou quotes is above: "People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

When I think about this quote, I reflect on two things.

First, I think about myself... and the things I say and do around and to other people. I think of how I make them feel. How will I be remembered?

Secondly, I think about others in my life... how they make me feel.

I think about the people that I love. The way their embrace can make the worst day seem to melt away. The way a sarcastic text message from a friend can make me cackle with laughter. The way a supportive phone call can help me through a tailspin of anxiety.

RIP Maya Angelou. Thank you for making a difference in the lives of so many. People years from now may forget the words you spoke or the actions that you performed.... but they will never, ever forget the impact that you made on their lives. At least I won't.

Me-sponsible.

I know for a fact that 94.6% of my angst comes from the battles being waged in my mind. I wish that for once, I didn’t have that sense of over-responsibility feeling in my head… wondering if everything is being taken care of, if everything will be okay, if I remembered everything.

I wonder sometimes if it is a gift or a curse to have responsibility. I wonder what it’s like sometimes to have a non-anxious attitude… to not think about what is going to happen next, to not obsess about consequences, to just experience what is happening around me*. Essentially, to not want to CONTROL everything. :-)

In the more broad sense, I wonder if it is the responsibility that I have, or if it is the emotions that I have about those “other people” and their non-anxiousness that I don’t like. For example, am I jealous at irresponsible people who I know in my life who happen to still get by without consequences (we all know those people) or what about those people who don’t take others’ thoughts into consideration when they turn down plans because they “don’t feel well” yet going out of town for the weekend? I submit that that it has less to do with those other people, and more to do with us. Sure, in the grand scheme of things the irresponsible people might get what is coming to them, but we need to remember that it’s OUR life to live and not the other person’s. We need to do what WE want, and not be so concerned about what other people are or are not doing.

(Says the girl who worries so much about the thoughts and feelings of others.)

I know that at least for me, it has everything to do with me and my thoughts and feelings, and not so much about other people. Or maybe, in some situations, it does involve other people… because of the relationship that I have with them (the key being the relationship and the EXPECTATIONS I have of said relationship, which is another blog post all together).

If I am honest with myself, I need to focus on me.

What I need.

What I want.

And there is nothing wrong with that.

If there is any energy or effort that I have left over, then I can consider other people’s needs and wants.

But if I don’t, then that is okay too.

Because if you spend your energy and effort focusing on you and your needs and wants, you take care of yourself on your own.

And then we are all taken care of.

:-)

I am only responsible for me.

*I do remember the last time I purposefully gave up control. I had dinner with a friend last summer and didn't know anything about the location or what we were going to do afterward. Best. evening. ever. I wish for more of those.

Real beauty.

I'm the first one to admit that I don't always use the most positive wording if you were to ask me to describe myself. And neither would my friends. Yesterday, we got into a discussion about how women are so quick to judge themselves (and other women at times) harshly, and that when a woman does say something positive about themselves, they're seen as arrogant and conceited.

You know how sometimes you see something, read something, or hear something, and in that instant your perspective about life changes? That happened for me when I saw this video. After wiping away tears, I thought to myself how I would have described myself, how my drawing would have turned out, and how differently the drawing of the person describing me would have looked.


I don't normally ask this, but if you are reading this, would you please share this blog post link? If you feel led to do so, I hope you share it so that everyone you know can have a chance to see this video. If you are a woman, I know that you might know another woman who would benefit from seeing this video. If you are a man, I know that you know a woman (or perhaps are raising a girl) who would benefit from seeing this video.

To have a chance to be made aware that their real beauty exists far beyond their own critical viewpoint.
Far beyond paying attention to their flaws.
Far beyond the parts of her that she doesn't like.
Far beyond minimizing the good.
Far beyond what she doesn't even notice.

Because other people do.

Other people see her freckles and love them.
Other people see her salt and pepper hair and think it gives her character.
Other people see her scars and know they tell a story.
Other people see her shyness and want to know more.
Other people see her smile and want to know what makes her laugh.

You are beautiful.