I remember when I worked at the hospital clinic, a supervisor asked me once how long I'd had anxiety. I looked at her like she had three heads and said, "Anxiety? I'm not an anxious person!" Later that night, I had to pull the phone away from my ear because my mom's howling laughter was so loud... I had recounted that same story to her, and was hoping for her to confirm the disbelief that I was anxious. With a chuckle, she said, "you're definitely anxious."
One of the things I think that people with anxiety struggle with is that you don't always SEE the anxiety. A lot of my anxiety over the years is wrapped up in my thinking, and the more I became aware of it, the more I saw. It's like 651657 internet tabs open all of the time... Facebook, Pinterest, How to Lose Weight, Decor Ideas for the Office, 30-Minute Meal Ideas, Helping Clients Process Grief, How to Remove Stickers, Essential Oils, Kinds of Aloe Vera, Self-Employment...
Another thing that's a challenge is that when most people think of anxiety, their mind's picture of a person with anxiety is someone who is shy. Someone who might not like being around people. And for sure...... that's not me. I'm an ENFP. I thrive being around people. I love it. I'd talk to a brick wall about something I was passionate about if it would listen. So when I was learning about myself and becoming more aware of my anxiety, this was something I got stuck on.
Enter, this amazing article: 12 Struggles of Having An Outgoing Personality But An Anxious Mind. It speaks to me. It revealed a lot of good stuff. I kept nodding my head in agreement with the words.
I recently shared this article with a client who experiences anxiety and struggles with not wanting to label herself as an anxious person. She said it helped to identify the yin and yang of anxiety... the push to be out there, but the pull inward to protect and preserve.
Letting go is a phrase that I've uttered no less than a billion times in therapy over the past ten years. It's so difficult to see a client hurting, but even worse when you see that their hurting themselves by holding onto things/memories/people that no longer serve them. The process of letting go can be a challenge, but it's worth it to be able to eventually look back and breathe a sigh of relief that it's over.
Today I was reminded of a hurt that my heart had been carrying for a long time. Too long. One of those hurts where you know that it's unhealthy, but you're not willing to let go of it because it carries memories. To be honest, that's my worst-favorite kind, but it seems to be the hurt that creeps up most often.
At some point last year, I made a conscious effort to let go of the hurt. It hurt a lot... letting it go... but looking back, I realize it was one of the best things I did for myself. For myself, but also, one of the best things for some of my relationships too. I became more present and authentic after letting go. I didn't have to hide anymore. I didn't have to go through the motions of happiness, when I was feeling drained and distracted.
Some people say that courage is facing our demons head-on.... but sometimes, sometimes letting go without looking back is the most courageous thing we can do.
It's been 115 days since I wrote a blog entry.
I've been asked several times from friends about why I stopped.
The answer (I've been busy) is easy to say, but the weight of that answer is heavy.
I switched therapy offices.
I didn't get paid for over three months.
I struggled with paying bills.
I wanted to go back to a good paying job, even if it meant feeling less fulfilled.
I was supported 100% by my husband.
I hated that feeling.
I fought with insurance companies.
I wanted to give up.
I didn't understand how something so wonderful could be so stressful.
I wanted to push the "easy button".
I also was teaching at the university, and felt incredibly overwhelmed.
I felt like a fish out of water.
I felt like they had surely made a mistake by hiring me.
Slowly, but surely, things are working out.
I'm getting into a new groove.
I'm feeling back to myself.
I'm establishing myself and building back up.
I'm feeling confident again.
Which means, I'm ready to start writing again. :)
There are times when we want change to happen now. Or really, if we're being honest, we wanted them to happen yesterday. Our society is so fast paced, that we often discount the effort that goes into making changes.
Saving money for a vacation.
Finding a new job.
Closing on a house.
Finding a new partner.
The Fair Godmother reminds us that even miracles take time. As an adult going back and watching Disney movies from my childhood, it's been so interesting hearing words from songs that I memorized years ago, and finally understanding their meaning. For example....
"No matter how your heart is grieving... if you keep on believing... the dream that you wish will come true."
Of course we know that it pays to be patient. To rest in our current circumstance. To trust that things will work themselves out. But it helps to know that even the Fairy Godmother herself can't make things happen right away. :) Somehow, it helps me to calm down in the hustle and bustle of life.... to stop, and remind myself to keep believing in my dreams, to keep pursuing my goals. It might just take time.
There are times... I know... when giving up is easy. When throwing in the towel seems like a much better (and easier) option that putting your head down and going through the crap in order to get to what you want. Obstacles can seem huge in comparison to our dreams.
Of financial freedom.
Of happiness.
Of mastering a class.
Of overcoming a fear.
But something inside of you is bigger than that obstacle. Bigger than the fear of failure. Bigger than anything that you can imagine. Sometimes, it's just that the voice saying "you can do it" is whispering when the voices of doubt are screaming.
On days when I feel like nothing is going to happen the way I'd like and all my dreams that worthless, I try to make a list (or refer back to the list I've already written) and remind myself of my journey. Why I want what I want so badly.
To be my own boss.
To feel comfortable in front of a crowd.
To breathe a little easier after all bills are paid.
To feel good in my own skin.
When obstacles come your way... and they always seem to come when we're feeling good about progress... remind yourself of your capacity to overcome. Remind yourself of what you've already done to overcome, and what you're doing daily to stay in the mindset of success.
Believe.
