Slowing down.

During my last year of graduate school, I worked two jobs, attended school full-time, and worked at my internship. I was the poster child for Jessie Spano's "I'm so excited" moment on Saved By The Bell, except that I didn't take caffeine pills to help with my energy levels. I was overwhelmed more than ever, but I was high on passion. I loved my jobs. I loved school. I loved helping people and feeling confident that I knew what I wanted to do with my life.

Then I graduated.

I accepted my first big girl job, which meant having to quit my other two. For the first time ever, I had nothing to do on the weekends and no reason to stay up late at night. It was weird. I was uncomfortable. I was bored.

Those that know me well, know that I don't enjoy boredom. I can handle quiet and moments of rest, but after taking a break (whether a few hours or a few days) I need something to do. After I graduated and only had things to fill time during my 9-6 job, I was bored. Out of my mind. I started looking for more. I started building an interest in photography. Then in sewing. It didn't take me long to fill up my nights and weekends with photo shoots and projects. Sometimes I wonder if I feel more comfortable being overwhelmed than at peace. Taking on more than I need, doing more than necessary. 

In the last year or so, I've worked diligently to step back and evaluate what's important. I say diligently, but in truth it's happened naturally through a huge shift in my work. Building a private practice is very different from working in a hospital or clinic where clients are readily available. I've been slow. And while I hated it at first, I'm learning to embrace it. I know that years and years of burning the candle at both ends is going to catch up with me. I don't want to regret spending more time away from the house than nurturing relationships inside. I sometimes wonder if I make rationalizations for my busyness because I don't have kids... "oh, {husband} won't mind, he'll just be watching the game" or telling myself that because we're both in the same room, it's completely okay that we're not talking and engaging in separate activities. I don't want my marriage to be convenient or to lose the excitement of being together. 

I'm trying to slow down this year. I'm trying to be more intentional. If I'm going to be busy, I want it to be because I enjoy what I'm doing and that it's fulfilling. I don't want to be busy out of the dislike of being bored. I'm also learning that when I throw myself into something with full speed, I tend to burn out quickly. I still love photography, but a bit of myself cringes when I get a request for a session (if any photography clients read this, I do still love you and your precious children and I'm happy to take your pictures until the end of time). I haven't used my sewing machine in about six months, and have clothing piled up that need fixed and a super cool project waiting for me to rev up the engine.

Slowing down. That's my focus.

To be intentional.

To enjoy what I do.

To feel the call of a passion instead of a sense of obligation.